Tag Archives: suffering

How to respond to offence & meanness in others.

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Have you ever had a situation spin out of control and the next thing you knew, you were being verbally attacked by an aggressive person?  Maybe you locked horns with someone at work and it escalated into a heated argument. When it was all over and the dust was settling, did you begin to roll it over and over in your mind?  This is usually when all the logic rolls in.  You are suddenly awash with razor wit and remarkable cleverness.  It always seems that in the aftermath of these arguments, we have 10,000 come-backs.

The truth is, we are probably better off that we can’t access this cleverness in the heat of the argument.  Who knows what damage we could actually do.

This week I shot a video about this.  Jesus said offences would come.  That’s one of His promises that no one wants to receive.  What is the right way to deal with offence?  How should we handle ourselves when we’re in the thick of it?

I think we’ve all been in situations like this, and we have all walked away wondering if we handled it well.  I know that sometimes I have walked away certain that I didn’t.  This video gives us some guidelines for some appropriate ways to respond.

Remember –

  1. Forgive!  This has to be first.  This opens the door for God to move in our situation.
  2. Push the offense to the sidelines and ignore it.  There are people who bash me about being a Christian.  Guess what?  I’m not going to stop!  I have to push their opinions of me to the margins and ignore them.  I can’t let them hinder me from moving forward.
  3. Put your eyes back on the mission.  It was the joy that was set before Jesus that pulled Him through the cross & the shame and now He’s set at the right hand of God.  Your mission will pull you forward too! But you have to keep your eyes on it and not on the weights and sin that can slow you down and stop you.

What tips can you share that you have used to successfully deal with the meanness of others?   Please join the conversation.

Also – If you know anyone who would benefit from hearing this, please share.

Art

The Priority of Fatherhood.

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This week I was planning to make a video post and I set out Monday night to shoot it.  When I was done it was 24 minutes long.  Too long for a video blog post.  It’s funny how there are times when you really have to mine your heart for things to say and then there are times when you strike a live wire and the content just gushes out of you.  Monday night was like that one.  Anyway, I am in the process of editing it down into 4 or 5 video posts, and because of the time that the editing process takes (when you barely know what you’re doing), we will NOT be posting that video this week.  We’ll just wait & see how the editing goes.

Billy Graham quote on brown background

One of the joys of my life is talking with my daughters.  I absolutely love it when awesome conversations spontaneously break out and the next thing we know, an hour has gone by and we didn’t even miss it.  In times like these we sometimes talk about friends & boyfriends, while other times we talk about things like integrity, honor, humility & honesty.  Sometimes the conversation is about both, like people they know who have messed up lives because of the choices they’ve made.  One time I was talking to my eldest daughter & we were having one of those conversations.  I made a comment about what a particular friend should have done to avoid the fall-out from a bad decision. My daughter looked up at me and said “yeah, but they don’t have YOU for a dad”.  Her implication was that if I were this person’s dad, they probably wouldn’t have made the poor choice.  While it pleased me that my daughter said that, it also caused me to think.

My children have never had to face many of the struggles and suffering that I have faced, and that some of their friends are currently facing. I know that at least in part, it’s because they have parents who make them a priority and have made it a point to teach them Godly principles from an early age.  As I looked back over my life as a son and as a father, I began to see that, as a boy, the thing that mattered most to me about my parents was that I wanted them to be there.  As a father, one of my highest priorities is that I want to be there when my girls need me.  I want to be there even if they don’t need me.  I just like being around them.  Even if it’s just to talk about the drama at their workplace or what’s going on with their friends.  I need to be there for them.  They need me to be there.

What will they need from me tomorrow?  I don’t know.  We’ll see what tomorrow brings and I’ll do my absolute best to help them navigate it.  I told my daughter one time, “Don’t ever run from me.  When all the dust settles and everyone else has left you high and dry, I will be the one behind you helping you dig out of this hole”.  I can’t do that if I’m not there.  Fathers, If you don’t live with your kids, I’m not trying to condemn you, but while your kids need you to support them financially, what they need more than that is for you to be a strong part of their life for good.  So what’s the priority of Fatherhood?  Be there. Even if you don’t live with them, be a big positive part of their life. Even when they’ve grown up, make sure they know that you’re still there and still on their side.

God the Father demonstrates His own commitment toward us as our Heavenly Father in Deuteronomy 4:31, 31:6 and in Hebrews 13:5 when He says “I will never leave you, nor forsake you”.  That leaves us with a strong example of what fatherhood should look like, and it gives us a strong consolation that He will never leave us twisting in the wind.  We will never be out of his reach!  Wow! Thank you Father!

I challenge you to take it to the next level this week.  Make special effort to be with your children and do something memorable.  Intentionally teach them something that will help them down the road.

What are some things that you have done, or places you have gone, to have quality time with your kids?  Please share by leaving a comment.

The “Do What’s Right” 4 Step Action Plan.

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Say this sentence out loud.  The bad behavior of others does not excuse me from doing what I know is right.  Consider writing that on a post it note and sticking it on your bathroom mirror so you can read it while you brush your teeth.  Better yet, print this out. pouting lipsThere have been many times in my life when I have used the behavior of others as an excuse to slip below my own standards and act out too.  Was I right?  Absolutely not.  I may have thought I was at the time though.  Surely anyone looking at my situation would agree, I had the right to act the way I did.  Poor me!

This thinking comes from a specific mind set. 

A victim mentality.  “I can’t help acting this way, look at how they treated me!” (Bottom lip sticking out).  That statement is not true though.  We can ALWAYS help it.  I like the illustration Rev. Keith Moore uses.  A man who habitually beats his wife says “I just can’t help it! I get so angry I just lose it”, but when you set him next to a 350 lb. line backer who can break him in half if he gets violent, some how the wife beater will find the strength to restrain himself.  This is true with all of us.  We don’t have to act from our feelings.

The bad behavior of others does not excuse me from doing what I know is right.

When people judge you unjustly, speak evil of you or are generally mean spirited, it never feels good! Ever! No one likes it when that happens.  But the true test of a person’s strength and character is found when they stand up and do what’s right even when every feeling in them is shouting for justice or revenge.

Supernatural forgiveness

Jesus when he was being crucified said “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).  He was responding from mercy even when they were doing the absolute worst and most hurtful thing they could do to him.  You may say “Yeah, but that’s Jesus! He’s the son of God”.  There was another man in the bible named Stephen who in Acts 7 preached a message that when the Jews heard it, made them so mad that they screamed, stopped up their ears so that they couldn’t hear anymore, took him out of the city and stoned him.  Verse 60 says that even while he was being stoned, he kneeled down and cried with a loud voice, “Lord, lay not this sin to their charge” right before he died.  This was a regular Christian guy like you and me.  Even when his very life was being taken away, he responded from mercy. Hebrews 12:4 says that you and I have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin.  Verses 1-3 (WEB) say this and I find this so encouraging – “Therefore let us also, seeing we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking to Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising its shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such contradiction of sinners against Himself, that you don’t grow weary, fainting in your souls”.

Consider what that is saying. 

Jesus was drawn through the very suffering of the cross and all of the things that followed it for the next three days in the heart of the earth.  Drawing the FULL STING of Death, Hell and the Grave.  Death, Hell and the Grave kept nothing back!  All that it had was fully spent on Him.  We get a little preview in Psalm 22:12-15. Why did He do it?  “Who for the joy that was set before Him…”  Us redeemed.  That’s what drew Him through the suffering.  It meant more to Him than the pain or the shame.  The word despising here is interpreted to think against or to think down.  Jesus was doing what Paul the Apostle admonishes us to do in 2 Corinthians 10:5. “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ”. Imagine though what would have happened if Jesus had responded badly based on how everyone was treating Him?  The earth would just be a black cinder floating in space.  Aren’t you glad He didn’t.

What’s the take-away here? 

  1. Make a decision that you will do what’s right.  Make this decision in advance.
  2. Build your life while you’re strong to carry you through when you’re weak.  Ask God for wisdom for this. It would be sheer foolishness to think that you will not be tested on this.  You need to look at situations and occasions when you behaved badly in response to someone else’s bad behavior.  Ask yourself what you could do that would give you a way out of that situation without losing control.  Now implement a strategy to carry you when you need it most.
  3. Find the Joy.  God knows what buttons to push in you to motivate and help you.  Ask Him for help.  He will put a joy in front of you that will draw you through the difficulty.  Philippians 2:13 says that God will work in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure.
  4. Maintain your thought life.  Thoughts will come.  They always do.  We need to cast them down.  You don’t fight thoughts with thoughts, you fight thoughts with words.  When the thoughts come and you are tempted to yield to self pity and begin feeling like a victim, open your mouth and begin to thank God for all the good things He has done for you.  You will not be able to think about the negative stuff while your brain & mouth are engaged speaking about the positive stuff. Philippians 4:6-9 (WEB) says “In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known go God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honorable, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS.  The things which you learned, received, heard, and saw in me: do these things, and the God of peace will be with you”.

Plan of Action.

What steps can you take today to help you when you are getting to close to the your red line? One of the things you can do is to meditate on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 every day.  Here’s a link to a downloadable PDF of it from the amplified Bible that has be modified for first person confession. Print this out & carry a copy with you.  I have one next to my computer monitor in my office as well as on my mirror at home.

How have you been victorious in this area?  Join the conversation and leave a comment. Your comments could be the encouragement that someone else needs to hear.

Overcoming Regret & Unfulfilled Expectations.

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I was thinking of a minister I saw on Christian television several years ago.  I don’t remember his name, but he was relating the story of attending his dad’s funeral.  This minister’s dad was estranged from the family and had nothing to do with his children.  This minister confessed that as he was sitting there in the service, he began to cry.  The Holy Spirit prompted his heart as if to ask “Why are you crying?”  This man shared that he was crying because there was no relationship, but there was supposed to be.  There was no fellowship but there was supposed to be.  His father should have been a good part of his life but now he was gone and so were the chances that it would ever happen.  This is the cry of the heart for everyone that has a broken relationship with their dad or mom.  This used to bother me quite a bit.  What if we never get it fixed?

This minister began to share how the Lord ministered to his heart.  The Lord showed him that all of the “Would have, Should have, Could have” that he was mourning over actually only existed in him.  What it really amounted to was this: he had unfulfilled expectations of his father.  He had an image in his mind of what he believed makes up a good father, and his dad fell short in every area.  There were a lot of things that he thought should have been and a lot of things that could have happened if only his dad would have done things differently.

expectations-danger-signNo one is supposed to love you like your mom & dad.  They are supposed to be there when everyone else blows away.  Right?  We suppose that when things get weird, they will have our back.  While that may be the standard for what we ultimately expect from mom & dad, reality tells a different story.  According to a 2012 article by Luke Rosiak, published in the Washington Times, 1 in 3 U.S. children live with out a father, and nearly 5 million live without a mother.  In 1960, just 11 percent lived without a father and in 2012 it’s at 33 percent!

While it hurts to watch your parents turn against one another and blow up your family, it’s a special kind of suck when one of your parents leaves and virtually kicks you to the curb, never having anything to do with you again.  Having suffered through that, I have a special place in my heart for those I see suffering through it too.  That’s one of the reasons this website & blog came to be.  God has helped me beyond measure to grow, cope & ultimately become strong in spite of being left twisting in the breeze. Now He wants to use me to help you.

This minister’s story helped me because:

  • I realized that I wasn’t alone in this.  Others had faced the same issues.  My suffering was not unique and there were others who had been down that same road, and knew what I felt and could help me.
  • I need to respond to reality, not my unfulfilled expectations. Deal with what was, not what wasn’t.
  • It’s not that we want our moms & dads to be great moms & dads, we want them to WANT TO be great moms & dads.  It’s hard to understand when they don’t WANT TO.
  • I began to realize that the pain was coming from me not him.  When I realized that, I was able to get a better perspective about things.
  • I decided to stop expecting anything.  I try not to put any burden or expectation on my mom & dad.  I just want to love and honor them.  I am just grateful for what they have given me and I take full responsibility to do all that I can to be a good son.  One that doesn’t cause shame but instead causes the light of honor to shine on them.
  • Shortcomings on their part do not justify shortcomings on my part.  I will no longer allow myself to use this as an excuse to be less than I know I should be. I will do what I know to do even if I’m the only one doing it.

Will we ever get it fixed?  I don’t know.  I take my part seriously and will do all I can to be a good son.  I will continue to honor my dad and take all available opportunities to tell him so.  I have this confidence that once we both pass into eternity, it will all be made right.  If need be, I can endure until then.

There are few things in life that can hurt more than a parent’s rejection.  Has this happened to you?  How did you cope?  Join the community and the conversation. Please leave a comment.  Your comments can minister to someone else.  If this helped you or you think you know someone it could help, please share it.