Category Archives: Honesty

Decisions & deceptions. How we make choices.

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The fact that there are so many people who report to have and enjoy a real, sincere relationship with God should at least be reason to have an open mind. For His existence to be so lightly considered and so easily dismissed seems to be unusually closed minded. I have heard people who profess no believe in God, compare the early church gospel writers to “near Cro-magnon men”. This argument is meant to belittle Christians and try to strike at the credibility of the writers of the Bible. The problem is that this statement actually reveals a very strong bias and prejudice, and isn’t scientific at all.

Man on mountain at dawn

When science and Christianity don’t seem to fit together, it doesn’t mean one is true and the other is not, it just means there’s more there to know and there’s a hole in our understanding. What these gaps in our collective understanding mean to me is simple. It just means we don’t know yet.

Most people would agree that there is a spiritual realm and that people have a connection to it. The problem materialistic thinkers have with spiritual things is that they can’t readily be measured. When we find that something can be perceived but we can’t figure out how to measure or quantify it, denying it exists is a huge leap. What we begin to see is something Chip & Dan Heath discuss in their book Decisive call Confirmation Bias.

Confirmation Bias is the way we deceive ourselves. Confirmation Bias is when we form a quick belief about something and then seek information and evidence to bolster what we already believe. I may make a poor choice and then afterwards try to build a case for why it was the right choice. I’m trying to justify my position. This is Confirmation Bias.

I may choose one of my team members to help me with a special project. I choose this person because I like them and we just click. They may be poorly suited to do what I need them to do but I didn’t choose them on that basis. Even if I made a Pro’s & Con’s list, it would be slanted by the bias I have already built in.

A CEO has an idea that will change the direction of the company, he believes it is the right move and he needs to convince the board that it’s the right move so he starts compiling data, but his data comes back nearly evenly split for and against the change in direction. What data will be used when talking to the board? The data that supports the idea. The data against the move may be minimized or even ignored totally. It may all appear very scientific but in reality, the bias was added early in the recipe.

Dan Lovallo says “People go out & collect data and they don’t realize they’re cooking the books”. We think we want truth but what we really want is reassurance. Do these jeans make me look fat? A lot of our questions don’t crave an honest answer.

What do you think? Have you noticed yourself falling for confirmation bias? Join the conversation & leave a comment.

The Fit and Finish of a Good Husband.

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The word “Dude” is a German word that actually means “fool”. In our modern relaxed vernacular, it has become interchangeable with the word Guy or Man. The online definition also says “To be dressed up elaborately”. This is where the Dude Ranch came from. City dwellers would go out west to spend some time on a working ranch. They would dress up the way they thought cowboys should dress and would stick out like a sore thumb because of the elaborate fancy dress. The real cowboys were the ones in the worn boots, worn jeans and covered in trail dust.

I was going to call this post “A good husband’s tool belt” because it was going to be about the tools a husband needs in order to be the best he can be. The problem, much like the Dude’s cloths, is that having tools doesn’t guarantee that you will use them or even know how. Young husbands and fathers indeed need to have good tools, but more than that, they need to have good insight and understanding. The problems in marriage are problems in thinking.  Besides, some men have only enough skill with tools to give themselves hammer-oids and black thumbnails.

Man in wilderness looking at mountain resized

The very first thing that a husband needs, if he will become the best he can be, is a desire to be better. Most men if asked, would admit that they are not perfect and that they could be better. Most men however, will not actively seek improvement. The idea that I’m good enough keeps many husbands from seeing any need to improve. They may say “Well, I’m not THAT bad” or “I could be worse” and these rationalizations keep them from moving forward.  They really don’t see the need to change.

I have heard it said many times that the greatest enemy to “excellence” is “good enough”. Good enough will get us there but with low quality and low value. Good enough means that it meets minimum requirements but no more. It will work but just barely.

As husbands, we need a strong desire for excellence – to be the best husband we can possibly be. This means a high personal standard when it comes to your own thinking and behavior.  It means always striving to be the best version of ourselves and working constantly to make sure that the best version is ultimately the only version.

I have a tool called a Biscuit joiner. My tool is very affordable compared to many others on the market. I bought it from a tool store known for it’s affordability. The reason this tool has such a cheap purchase price is because where most of it’s competitors use cast aluminum for many of the parts, this tool has substituted plastic instead. It also has a more crude setup, making it more work to get the accuracy I need in my projects. Does it do the job? Yes…but just. It would be far easier and much quicker to get good results with a better tool. This one meets the minimum requirements. It’s good enough.

If I had to use this tool everyday to do my work, I would immediately upgrade it. It would be too difficult to use on a daily basis and compared to the higher quality tools available, this one has a poor fit and finish. The parts & pieces have ridges & burs left on them from the molding process that have not been ground off cleanly or accurately. The parts that slide don’t slide as easily as they could because they haven’t been precision milled to fit that well.

Like my biscuit joiner, there is a massive difference between being a husband and being an excellent husband. A man that gives the minimum effort to meet the minimum requirements will not yield the best results day after day. Don’t be deceived – this will not create lasting happiness or a good marriage.

The man who desires to be an excellent husband will require excellence from himself. He will spend more – invest more. More time and more effort to create a higher quality fit and finish in himself. Then when he shows up to the ranch, he won’t be wearing the red velvet “Buckskin Joe” cowboy hat and fake pleather boots. He’ll be the real deal. He wont be “All hat and no cattle”.

So what about you? If your desire is to be an excellent husband of high quality fit and finish, it all starts with a decision. I want to encourage you today. Make the mind change. Good enough is no longer good enough!

If this has helped you, please share with someone else it could help.

I appreciate you guys!

Art

If you can slow down and do this, you can avoid a future full of regret.

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In his anger he shouts “I don’t (cuss)ing care what you say! You need to get off of my back and stop trying to run my (cuss)ing life! You need to fix your own mess before you try to fix me!” In exasperation John picks up his coat and storms out of the house. He only hesitates long enough to slam the door on his way out, leaving his mom standing in the middle of the living room crying. “She won’t let up.” He thought as he stomped off the porch steps. John’s mom had been pushing him to get a job. She really wanted him to enroll in community college but he said he wanted a break first before he rolled into the “Real World”.

John had been staying in his room gaming for weeks now and hadn’t done anything except eat, hang out with his friends & borrow money since graduating from high school four months ago. She wanted more for him and she expected more from him. So she pushed him. She didn’t want to be a nag but she really wanted to see some forward motion. That brings us to this moment. The moment John is walking down his street thinking about how he had just exploded a few minutes ago and said all those hurtful things to his mom.

His mom had been single for many years now and had been raising him on her own. She was committed to doing her absolute best to raise her son up to be a good man. She often wondered and feared that her best might not be enough. She had recently had her own relationship go bad and she was still getting over that. She had no idea that John would use that to hurt her, but he did…just now.

As John walked, his conscience began to bother him. He knew he had gone too far. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t know why he said it. He was just mad and lost control. He was sorry but was unsure what to do next and he didn’t know how to make it right. Now shame was beginning to creep in. He began to tear up. “Why do I have to be such a jerk!” He said out loud in an anger that was now aimed at himself.

Few things can compare to knowing what to do.

 

We’ve all done what John did. We’ve been in situations where we have allowed the pressure to build until we’ve just “blasted off”, vented our anger, said mean things and hurt people we care about. We would probably also all agree that while we as individuals are not necessarily mean people, we just get caught up in the moment and react badly.

To be sure, even as I write this, I still deal with the temptation to think and say the wrong thing because of the heightened stress of a situation. I caught myself just this last week letting something slip out of my mouth and then quickly having to try to recover and minimize the damage because of my poor reaction to pressure.

This matters because we’ve all said or done things that we regret and wish we could change. If a person can get this, they can live with no regrets.  So what’s to be done?

Prov 21:3 says – Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.  The World English Bible (WEB) says it this way – Whoever guards his mouth and his tongue keeps his soul from troubles.

To guard or to keep imply that you are watching for because you are expecting trouble.  When it comes to our mouths, this could not be more true.

James the Apostle said – For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body. The New Living Translation (NLT) says it this way – Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.

The bottom line is that we are the ones responsible for our words.  We are to make sure our words don’t offend or hurt.  Some have said “God, Why did you let me say that?” – but we should not be asking God to do something that He has told us to do.  He will help, strengthen and empower you but it’s you who must do the doing.

Set your standards before the moment so you don’t waiver in the moment.  This one truth has helped me so much in this area.  I try to run all things that happen in my life through the filter of the Word of God and if I can, I want to establish my thinking in advance.  One definition I’ve heard for Wisdom is “The skillful use of knowledge.”  In the 24th chapter of the book of Proverbs, the writer talks about the field & garden of the foolish & lazy.  He says in verse 32 “I saw and considered it well: I looked on it and received instruction.”  That’s the take-away.  Consideration.  If we will establish in advance how we will act when the heat is on, then it eliminates all the choices we might have to make when the heat is on.  Can you see the truth here?

I heard a story many years ago about a man who was called to testify in court against the man he worked for.  He was told that if he lied and protected his boss, he would be richly rewarded.  When the time came for this man to testify, he simply told the truth.  His teenage son talked to him about it later and commented that it must have been a tough choice to make with the possibility of all that money hanging in front of him.  The dad simply told his son that the choice wasn’t tough at all because he had made it many years ago when he decided that he wouldn’t tell lies.

Consider in advance and set your standards before the moment, so you won’t waiver in the moment.

If this post has helped you this week, I would ask you to please share it with those you know who it might also help.  I really appreciate your support in helping me reach those who can benefit.

Have a most excellent week!

Art

Here Are Three Specific Attributes Of A Good Man.

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Last week I wrote about building a good man and the personal responsibility each of us has to become the best Us we can be. I want to expound on that a little bit this week because while we need to understand our roll in becoming who we are, often many of us don’t know how. We don’t know where to start.

Suit & tie

Photo courtesy of StockSnap.IO

I was reading an article recently entitled “10 things to teach your son about being a man”. The article was good and I enjoyed it. It focused on things like being a gentleman, holding the door, walking on the street side of the sidewalk & stuff like that. While I was thinking about the article, it occurred to me that many men DO NOT have a dad around to teach them these things. Many of the ones who are fortunate enough to have their dads around may not be hearing it either because their dads don’t think its important to pass on. I didn’t have a dad around to instruct me on “all things men”. As I think about it now, one of the only things I remember hearing from my dad about being a man was “grown men don’t hug”. As I look back over my life though, God gave me plenty of good examples to follow. He put men around me that helped me immeasurably. And thankfully, He gave me a listening ear.

While I agree with the things in the article I read about being a gentleman, I think there are more weighty issues that young men need to know about while becoming good men. I believe you can become a man just by growing up, but that doesn’t mean you are worth anything. The goal should be to become a good man, a mature man and a godly man. And just exactly what constitutes a Good Man? Because I believe the Bible, and the Bible says that Jesus is perfect. I think we need to look at His example to truly know what a good man is. Hebrews 5 says this about Him.

“Heb 5:8 Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered; Heb 5:9 And being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him;”

The word “Perfect” used here in the Greek means complete, accomplished, finished fulfilled, perfect & fully mature. This is the absolute picture of Jesus. Ephesians 4:13-16 says that we as godly men, are to grow unto the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ.

So what does that mean for us as we move toward being the best men we can be?

Growing up means maturity. This is hard sometimes. We (that is, our flesh and our un-renewed mind) don’t always want to be mature. Sometimes all we want to do is “flesh out” and throw a fit. The Bible calls this being “Carnal”. Carnal comes from the root word that means “meat”. To be carnally minded just means that you’re spending all your time paying attention to the flesh. A mature person will not do this though. So what does it mean to be a good man?

No Strife

It means no more strife. While this verse is talking specifically about strife & unity in the Body of Christ, it is important to understand that a mature man will not tend toward strife. Strife is defined as bitter disagreement over fundamental issues – conflict. It’s a true sign of growth and maturity when you as a man demonstrate that you are the master of your emotions, attitude and anger. Good men are men of peace.

No FlakinessIt means no more flakiness. We are not to allow ourselves to be victims of the deceitfulness and manipulation in our beliefs or in our life. Even while we are not to be victims of such things, we are also not supposed to engage in them.  We are not to be deceitful and the manipulators of others.  Scripture says in Eph 4:14 that “Speaking the truth in love we will grow up in Him in all things, which is the head, even Christ”. Good men are stable men

No SelfishnessIt means no more selfishness. According to Ephesians 4:16, the man of God will be working to increase the effectiveness of others. A good man will not have a “Me First” mentality. He will be looking for opportunities to assist others in doing good and helping to facilitate their success as well as his own. Good men are helpful men.

I want to write more on specific issues in future posts and give more specific actionable steps. But today I want to ask you a question. Think about the good men you’ve know in your life. Were these things in their life too? I would encourage you this week to act on these for yourself. I would love for you to share how you plan to step into them. Leave a comment and share your three things.

Four compelling reasons why Honesty is always the right answer.

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Many years ago a friend of mine at work had to supervise a project with a group of people he had never met before. I have no idea what went on during the fulfillment of that project but he came back shaking his head. He commented that he found it scary how easily some people would drift from law abiding to lawless when it was convenient for them to do so. Apparently he had some dishonest people in his group because among other things, they had stolen all of the toilet paper in the building.

Webster’s online dictionary defines Honest as Free from fraud or deception.

Now I personally have never tried to deceive anyone…except for that last sentence…and those other times. I think as a teenager, I made it a full time job to try to deceive my mom. She was pretty hard to fool though and truthfully; I wasn’t a very good liar.

Barefoot on a rock

So, why is honesty so important? Why is it wrong to lie when it’s convenient? After all, you may actually be sparing someone’s feelings by not being honest. Right? Whether you’re a Christian or not, I think there are four really good reasons for us to operate in honesty all the time.

Honesty is the fastest way to prevent a mistake from turning into a failure.  – James Altucher

  1. Conscience. when we lie or intentionally deceive, we violate our own conscience. We may “get away with it” but inside, we know what we’ve done. We will live with the guilt until we either repent, or harden ourselves to it. The primary way God leads his people is with the conscience. That’s why Paul the Apostle spoke so often about having a clear conscience (Acts 23:1, 24:16, Rom 9:1, 1Cor 8:7 – and many more). Hardening our hearts makes it nearly impossible for us to be led and directed by the Holy Spirit because we’re used to over-riding Him by ignoring our conscience. God will even lead you if you are not a Christian. This same leading we could also call a “conviction”. God will deal with your heart when you need to straighten out your relationship with Him.
  2. Trust. Consistent honesty builds trust. Trust is an investment that we make in one another. When you are honest, the trust others put into you is well founded and in your honesty, they find safety.
  3. Reputation. There’s a person I know that, while I like them quite a bit, I don’t trust them very much. On many occasions, they have left me hanging. They said they would do something and when it came down to it, they didn’t follow through. I’m sure they didn’t think it was a big deal, but what it did was undermine their credibility. They ruined their own word and destroyed trust. Today, if they were to promise me something, I would not fully expect them to keep their word. Because of this, I will not call on them for help because they might not be there. This matters to God too. Why would He call on someone to do something when this might be the time they decide, instead of obeying Him, to stay home, watch tv and be unfaithful.
  4. Sowing & Reaping. The Bible says we are not to be deceived about this. God will not be mocked. Whatever you sow, you will also reap (Gal 6:7). It’s important to understand that this does not say whatever a Christian will sow. It is a universal law that works for or against everyone. If you are not an honest person, you will not get honesty. If you lie and deceive, you will be lied to and deceived. On the other hand, if you make it a point to walk in honesty, you will find that people will be truthful to you too. This is a spiritual law.

I used to work with a guy who had a reputation for stretching the truth out of shape. One of my other co-workers coined the saying about him, “Take half of what he says and throw it away, then doubt the other half”. While we used to laugh about this, it’s really actually sad. This guy’s credibility is shot.

A person’s reputation goes places they haven’t been yet. Very often, your reputation will either help you get through doors to amazing opportunities or it will keep you out. You decide whether you have a good reputation or not by whether or not you consistently keep your word.

Have you ever had experiences with dishonest friends & co-workers? What about honest ones? I would love to hear your insights. Join the conversation & leave a comment.