Tag Archives: Hurt

Becoming A Better Man.

By | | ,
1 Comment

The driving force that is Dad.

Many of you know that my parents divorced when I was ten. After that, my dad just stepped away from all of us. From that time to this, I’ve only seen him once for a couple of weeks at the end of 1985. It seems that when my dad divorced my mom, he also divorced the children he had with her. I can’t fully articulate how I felt from being rejected by him.

One of my psychology professors once said that Love and Hate are very closely related. Many think they are opposites but that’s not true. They are both powerful emotions that come from relationships. The opposite of either is I Don’t Care. When relationships break up, whether they be marriages, long term dating relationships, or parent & child relationships, it’s the thought of “I no longer care” coming from a place where “I love you” used to come from that wounds the heart over and over again.

Man hat backward silhouette

It’s the thought of “I no longer care” coming from a place where “I love you” used to come from that wounds the heart.

For the next seven years, I had a pretty rough time. I was hurt, I was angry, I was brokenhearted, I was lost, I had big trust issues & big authority issues. I was betrayed, rejected and left twisting in the breeze by one of the two people I trusted most in the world. I did what I see a lot of young men doing today, I turned my hurt into anger.

For years I asked the question “What did I do?” Part of the reason I was struggling so much was that I couldn’t figure out what I had done to cause him to step away from me. Through my teens I learned how to party. As I look back now, I see that my party lifestyle was because I was looking for acceptance.  I got it to a degree from the people I hung with. I hung with those because they gave me a place to belong. I wasn’t myself when I was with my friends – it wasn’t safe to be myself with them. They were a rough bunch of guys, but the way I looked at it, at least I had friends.

As I grew up, I began to really resent my Dad. I determined that I was going to be a better man than he was. I turned my anger and resentment into fuel. The more I thought about him, the more I determined that I was going to be better in every way. I was going to become a great guy and he was not going to be able to take credit for it. I would be self made.

It wasn’t until after I recommitted my life to the Lord that I began to see the problem with my thinking. I was walking in bitterness and unforgiveness. Bitterness is bondage and it was keeping me from enjoying my life. The unforgiveness in my heart was actually keeping me from receiving forgiveness. It was also causing me to hold on to my hurt & torment myself with it. Not only that, but if there was ever going to be an opportunity to reconcile, unforgiveness would not allow it to happen.

The Lord began to work in my heart concerning my dad. It started when I began to see how much God loved me. When this understanding came, It changed everything. God loves me. Wow! When I would read in Romans 8:31 & 32 I would begin to tear up. It says :

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

I began to see that my Heavenly Father loved me. Fear began to fall away from me because I finally found my place. The place where I am accepted and received in Christ Jesus. I began to operate from a different place. Not a place of fear and self-centeredness where my eyes were always on me. I was no longer constantly thinking about how bad I had it. My mind wasn’t always on how much of a victim I was. I had a new point of view. I began to understand that God was for me. I now began to see everything from a position of strength. I was a son of God and He was for me. I didn’t have much to offer Him in return. I just wanted Him to be pleased with me in all my ways.

Being a better man starts with being a good son.

It didn’t take too long for me to understand that God wanted me to honor my dad. He wanted me to walk in love toward my dad. My Heavenly Father wanted me to be an even better man than I had attempted to become in my anger. God wants me to be a good son. Being a better man starts with being a good son.  That day I began a journey to be all the son I could be. I’m still on this journey but the Lord has put it on my heart to share my journey because there are so many who have a similar story. Many who don’t have a strong relationship with either their dad or mom and it torments them. It’s not God’s will or plan for us to be tormented. He’s helped me grow in wonderful ways and has put it on my heart to help others.

I can help you.

We can move forward together.

Are Your Wounds Not Healing As Fast As You Want Them To?

By | | , , , , ,
1 Comment

I like to work with wood. Many of the tools I use in woodworking are used for cutting and so they need to be sharp. That includes hand tools. While I usually clamp my projects in a vise, sometimes, if they are too large or oddly shaped, I have to hold them while working on them. Because I’m right handed, I’m usually holding the board or project with my left hand and because of that, my left hand ends up with all of the scars from the various accidents I’ve had over the years. My left hand has quite a few. Anyway, I have had a few cuts that probably should have had stitches but I didn’t get any. Because I didn’t though, the wound kept re-opening when I would move my hand a certain way. I used butterfly band-aids & all kinds of dressing, but certain movements would still open up the wound. Because of that, it took these cuts far longer to heal and the scar may be more visible because of it.

3 hand planes

When I close my eyes and think back to when I was a little boy, I can see my mom scolding me because I wouldn’t leave my scabbed knee alone. I would scratch and pick at it until sometimes I would cause it to start bleeding all over again. As adults, sometimes we are like that with emotional wounds. We won’t leave them alone to heal. We keep ripping the scab off of the wound. We do it with our words. We keep bringing up a hurt and rehearsing it. With someone who has hurt us in the past, all that has to happen is that their name comes up in conversation, and then so does the past and that time when they did that thing that you just can’t seem to get over. The wound starts to seep again because you couldn’t leave it alone for some reason. What’s the answer?

Scripture gives us a clear road to recovery.

  1. Love. Jesus said to His disciples in John 15:12 “This is My commandment, that you love one another as I loved you.” This is a specific Love to a specific group. As we follow Him, we are to love one another as He has loved us. There is no greater expression of His love toward us than that He has forgiven us. The Bible says in 2 Cor 5:19 that God was not and is not imputing our trespasses against us. God’s not holding your past against you but has in Christ completely forgiven you so that if you have received Christ as your Lord, you can stand before Him as if you have never done anything wrong. That is complete forgiveness.
  2. Forgive. Jesus said in Mark 11:25 “And when you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive it, so that your Father in Heaven may also forgive your deviations” LITV. The word forgive here in scripture literally means to send forth, to forsake, lay aside or yield up. You probably have heard people say “I forgive them but I can never forget” but that can not be true. To truly forgive means that when those thoughts come up, not only do you not talk them out but you intentionally cast them down and purposefully not think on them. You choose to forsake the hurt. You choose to lay aside the injury. You choose to forgive
  3. Turn your mouth around. Instead of rehearsing the past hurts, next time the opportunity arises to talk about the hurt, don’t do it! Make a decision that you will not continue to rehearse the past and scratch the wound back open. Instead, choose words of love, kindness and forgiveness. Intentionally say good things about the person who hurt you. Ask God to guide you. He will give you words to say.
  4. Walk in wisdom. Just like in woodworking, I learned the hard way that I need to pay attention to my actions and the potential for accidents and trouble. I need to look down the road and consider the results of my actions and words. If I don’t want people to be offended, then I need to make sure I’m not offensive. The easiest way to get past a physical or emotional injury is to simply not have one.


“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” 
― Mark Twain

 

When you find yourself in the thick of it though, remember, walk in love, walk in forgiveness, turn your mouth around and finally, walk in wisdom to avoid trouble in the future.

When true forgiveness is present, it shows us that real love is also present because love is shown in forgiveness. It is the hallmark that God is on the scene.

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

I want to encourage you this week to examine yourself & look for pockets of unforgiveness in your heart. Don’t be easy on yourself. Are you holding a grudge? Are there things that you haven’t let go of? Make the choice this week to forgive. Don’t let your hurt contaminate any more of your future. Choose freedom.

Getting Hurt & Getting Over it.

By | | ,
1 Comment

silhouette-female2-e1311003704858We all experience difficult times when dealing with people.  None of us are exempt from getting our feelings hurt.  In some cases the injury can be severe and we wonder how someone could be so inconsiderate.  There are those who it seems care little for the well being of others and knowingly and heartlessly hurt others without remorse.  Sometimes we have to deal with the light sting of getting the cold shoulder by acquaintances, while other times we suffer through deep treachery that comes from the terrible betrayal of loved ones that are close to us.  As I have been thinking about these things, I have come to understand that while none of us are exempt from this, most of us don’t really have an effective and consistent way of handling it when we’re hurt.

There are two questions we need to ask when we’ve been hurt.

  1. Is it my fault?  Was I acting stupidly?  Did I fire off my mouth when I should have been quiet?  Very often we know we shouldn’t say things but our pride gets us wound up and we “just gotta have our say”.  This has gotten more people in more trouble faster than probably any other thing.  I’ve done this more than once and I’m pretty sure you have too.  We knew we should have kept quiet but it started jumping around on the inside of us and rather than exercising self discipline, we yielded to our pride, had our say and ended up needing to be corrected or punished.  Maybe you didn’t control yourself with your spending and now you’re suffering having to cut back severely in order to pay your bills and get out of substantial debt.  These things are foolish and we should expect the suffering we face because of them. A really good example of suffering for your faults is found in King David.  Beginning in II Sam 11:1 we see that when David should have been with his army fighting the enemy, he instead stayed home.  One evening while relaxing on the roof of his house, he saw Bathsheba bathing on the roof of her house.  To shorten the story a little, David wanted her badly and ended up having her husband killed by having him put on the front line fighting and then ordering everyone else to withdraw and leave him standing alone.  The Lord told David through the prophet Nathan “YOU have killed him with the sword of the children of Ammon”.  We have record in the scripture that because of what happened that day, 4 people died and one suffered mentally and never recovered.  Uriah the Hittite died, 3 of David’s children died (the baby, Amnon, and Absalom) and David’s daughter Tamar was never the same.  All because of what started on the roof top.This makes me stop and think.  Sin always brings death.  It may not be instant and severe but our actions really do affect our future.  This is the reason God is against sin.
  2. Was it unjust?  What if you didn’t do anything wrong?  We all face situations where we have done our best, we have been kind, we have walked in love toward individuals and it just didn’t seem to go anywhere. In spite of all our efforts, we still got sideways with them. Joseph is one of the best examples of this.  He was sold into slavery by his brothers. He was then put into prison in Egypt.  Historians believe that Joseph was 17 when he was sold to the Midianites and scripture tells us that he was 30 when he stood before Pharaoh.  We understand then that Joseph suffered unjustly for approximately 13 years.  He never did anything wrong and he still suffered.  You can do all the right things and keep your heart right in every situation and still get your feelings hurt and suffer unjustly.  Don’t be surprised when this happens.

Each of these will need to be handled in its own way.  You can’t deal with one the same way that you would deal with the other.  If you are suffering because of your own faults but are trying to deal with it as if you haven’t done anything wrong, you are out of line.  I know people like this.  Nothing is their fault and they are perpetually victims.  This attitude is not going to help them.  It will keep them stuck and unable to move forward.  If you or I have been a fool and have gotten into trouble, the only real course to move forward is to humble ourselves and take responsibility for the suffering that we are experiencing.

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
– Calvin Coolidge

If you are hurt because you acted foolishly, here is what you can do to move forward.

  1. Say I’m sorry.  Own the problem and ask forgiveness for acting like a fool.  This is humbling yourself.  People will be far more merciful to the humble than to the proud.  When you humble yourself, it brings out the mercy in others most of the time.
  2. Own the consequences.  Don’t try to deflect or blame others.  Own it.  Sometimes the quickest way to get a bad situation behind you is to go through it and not around it.  If you have honor and integrity, you will stand behind your actions and accept the consequences.
  3. Ask God for help.  I remember hearing a man tell of the time when he made a foolish purchase and went into severe debt. He prayed and asked the Lord to help him.  He repented for being foolish and asked the Lord to help him preserve his word and integrity by helping him fulfill his obligation, and to get out from under the debt in a honorable way.  God did just that.  It took him tightening up his financial belt – a lot. It also didn’t happen over night, but God did help him and today he’s no longer in debt.

If you are hurt but you didn’t do anything wrong, here is what you can do to move forward.

  1. Forgive.  If you are experiencing unjust suffering, you must forgive.  I remember a time when some dearly beloved elders that I have served with were mistreated for something that they were not doing wrong.  It was hard to see people as committed and sincere as they were being dishonored and mishandled the way they were.  One man stepped down from serving because of it.  When I asked one of them how they were doing concerning it, their response was simply amazing.  They said, “We forgive them.  We don’t really have a choice about it”.  This is a mature Christian.  The bible says forgive. End of story.
  2. Endure.  In II Tim 2:3, Paul is admonishing Timothy.  He says, “Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ”.   Paul instructed Timothy to endure it because the temptation was going to be to collapse under it.  Paul was reminding Timothy to think like a soldier when it came to the hardship and hurt that he would face. Endure it, shake it off, keep moving forward.  Don’t let hurt stop you from pressing forward and completing the objective.
  3. Don’t be moved.  Don’t stop doing what’s right.  When you are on the right path, persecution will arise.  This is not an “If” but a “When” situation.  Persecutions will come.
    1Th 3:2 And sent Timotheus, our brother, and minister of God, and our fellow laborer in the gospel of Christ, to establish you, and to comfort you concerning your faith: That no man should be moved by these afflictions: for yourselves know that we are appointed thereunto. For verily, when we were with you, we told you before that we should suffer tribulation; even as it came to pass, and ye know.There are a couple of things to point out here.
    First, the temptation is to deviate from the right path.  So Timothy was to ESTABLISH the Thessalonians.
    Second, Timothy was also sent to COMFORT them.  The word comfort here can be interchanged with the word strengthen.  It was often used in 1611 (when the King James Bible was translated) to mean adequate or “up to the task”.  Timothy was sent to establish them, strengthen them, and make them “up to the task”.

You see, we are here, as far as I can tell,
to help each other; our brothers, our sisters,
our friends, our enemies.
That is to help each other and not hurt each other.
– Stevie Ray Vaughan

I think the key to all of this is to walk with a humble heart.  Many times we get hurt because we think we deserve something that we’re not getting.  A good policy to adopt concerning dealing with people is to expect nothing and be grateful for everything.  I have had the Lord check my heart to hold off on responding for 1 week to someone who was being harsh & rude.  When I got to the end of the week, I didn’t even want to bother with responding.  It was just no longer worth it.  Many times when we respond immediately to mistreatment, we also respond wrong.  Stop, wait, cool down & choose your response wisely.

Jas 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: 20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

Paul admonished Timothy to endure hardness as a good soldier  (II Tim 2:3).  This is there for us to follow too.  We should adopt this same soldier mentality as we walk out God’s plan for our life.  As for me…I’m in.  I will endure hardness, shake it off and keep moving forward.  What about you?

Join the conversation and leave your comments below.