Tag Archives: Feelings

Kicking Discouragement To The Curb.

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Some people don’t like you. I hope this newsflash didn’t just make you fall out of your chair, shocked with disbelief and unable to function. It however, is a very real fact, much like realizing that Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny aren’t real. Umm… Hopefully I didn’t just mess up your reality.

Kick discouragement to the curb

You are probably awesome in every way, multiplied by ten with a slice of pie on the side, but you are still not going to be everyone’s taste. There are people who don’t know you and have never had a conversation with you who do not like you and are not going to give you a chance. Then there are the people who do know you and still don’t like you. In spite of your stupendous & sparkling personality, some just won’t…and that’s okay.

“One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses.” ― Dale Carnegie

We all want to be liked…..by everyone. We don’t like being disliked. We sometimes get caught up playing this game of reading, interpreting and responding to the words & actions of others and constantly modify our behavior to either be viewed in a favorable light or at least avoid being judged. In reality, very few people are paying that much attention to us anyway. As Michael Hyatt likes to say, most people are tuned in to WWIFM. What’s In It For Me.

In reality, we have quite a bit of control over what others think of us. M. Farouk Radwan wrote “Before you encounter strangers, authority figures or important people don’t tell yourself “now I will know how they see me” but instead tell yourself “let me tell them who I am”.

I met someone a while back that I was really looking forward to meeting. I had heard good things about them and I liked them even before I met them. They did not respond to me the way I thought they would though. They started off and remained distant and cool. I poured on the charm, convinced that If they knew me better, surely they would like me. Nothing changed and eventually, I had to make a choice. Continue to change my behavior to please them in an effort to try to win them over, or push them to the sidelines in my life and continue to move forward doing what I know to do.

“Critic’s math. (1 insult + 1,000 compliments = 1 insult.)”.  -Jon Acuff

Do you know people who seem to always be seeking the approval of others? Constantly changing their behavior and laboring to be accepted. Being disliked creates anxiety in these people and provokes them to make choices, even choices they know are wrong, just to fit into the crowd. Scientific research has shown that fear of being judged has caused some people to intentionally choose the incorrect answer, knowing that it was incorrect, because everyone else did.

I am a Bible believing Christian, as I know many of my readers are. Making a stand for Christ has put us in line for persecution because of what we believe. Persecution is one of the things Jesus said we would have as long as we’re here. It’s the one promise that no believer really wants to receive. None the less, it’s so. I believe the Bible is God speaking to me. I believe the bible so strongly that I have made it the final authority in my life. Because of that, I study it and seek the Holy Spirit’s help to understand the heart of the Father more and more. My Christianity is not about a religious exercise. It’s about a relationship with God. I want to please him in all I think, say & do. Because of this, when it comes to my God, I have already “Picked my fight” so to speak. I have made my stand and I am fully committed to Him. Some may think I’m foolish or uninformed but that’s okay. I have already considered their words and have pushed them to the sidelines that I might continue to move forward and live by the convictions that He has put in my heart. Paul, the apostle said it this way :

Php 3:8 Yes truly, and I am ready to give up all things for the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, which is more than all: for whom I have undergone the loss of all things, and to me they are less than nothing, so that I may have Christ as my reward, (BBE)

The reasons why people don’t like you, criticize you or harass you will vary. In some cases they are probably just being inconsiderate . Others may be intentionally trying to discourage you and shut you down. That was the case with the unbelieving Jews that paid their own way & followed Paul around persecuting him. They were trying to shut him up. Some even swore an oath that they wouldn’t eat until they killed him. That is outright devilish hatred.

“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.”  ―Winston S. Churchill

You may have people out there who are not trying to add creative criticism to your life at all. They are actively trying to discourage you and to get you to disconnect from your focus. You have to push these critical voices to the sidelines. If certain people are only discouraging to you, then you will have to marginalize them in order to move forward. Don’t hate them or start running them down, gossiping about them or hating them back. Rather, pray for them. And rather than letting their harsh words take the wind out of your sails, just push them to the side. Make a decision that you will not allow them to discourage you and if possible, take steps to stop hearing their voices.

The stronger the stand you make for anything, the greater the opposition will be. People are allowed to have a dissenting opinion. In the Unites States they even have the right to free speech. But they don’t have the right to be heard. You do not have to listen. Just keep living consistent with your values and keep on stepping. One of the five regrets of the dying is the regret of not being more true to one’s self – (Ms. Bronnie Ware – The Next Web).   Living true to your convictions is too important to trade for the fickle approval of people who don’t really care about you.

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”                      ― Winston S. Churchill

In his ebook “The Hater’s Handbook” Jon Acuff says it like this: Critic’s math. (Which is “1 insult + 1,000 compliments = 1 insult.”). Too many times we center in on the critical dissenting voice and ignore all of the wonderful people encouraging and cheering us on. Let’s you and I made a decision this week to marginalize the negative and discouraging voices and instead, focus on the ones who are encouraging us and helping us stay connected with our mission and purpose.

How have you dealt with and overcome criticism? Please join the conversation & leave a comment.

Marriage. Thriving, not just Surviving.

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This last week my lovely wife Ann and I celebrated 25 years of marriage together. It’s hard to believe that it’s been one quarter of a century. Neither of us look like we could be more than just a couple of years out of high school. Well…at least that is true for her. I have a little too much gray in my beard. Anyway, We now have two adult daughters, 25 years full of memories and in some cases, hard learned lessons to show for it.

 Please join the discussion by leaving a comment.  Also, please share if you think this can help anyone else. I appreciate you!

Encouragement for My Single Friends

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While praying the other day, the Lord brought to my remembrance something that a single friend had posted on Facebook a few years ago.  The remark was something like “I never thought I would be alone at this stage in my life”.

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Lets face it, some people are single because they want to be.  They just like it.  They like the freedom of it.  They like everything in their life and space to be just the way they want it.  That’s Okay.  A person who remains single can dedicate themselves fully to the path that the Lord wants for them to walk.  Paul the Apostle said by permission from the Holy Spirit :

1Co 7:6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.  I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.  But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

Not everyone who finds themselves single wants to stay that way though.  For many, there is a longing to be in a relationship.  A strong desire to be half of a whole.  Committed and fulfilled.  Loving and being loved.  The reasons people find themselves single vary and only they and God know all of the reasons why.  Some may have started off in a relationship or a marriage and through tragedy or treachery, they find themselves forced into being alone.  Some may even feel like time is not on their side and that there is a race against the clock to try to find the right one.  I read and hear comments from some, and they wonder “Why haven’t I found someone yet?”  I want to take a minute today and just encourage you and to remind you of things you probably already know but may have lost sight of.

  1. Stop thinking about what you might be missing.  The truth is that the only thing you’re missing is the pain and torment of being in the wrong relationship.
    Trust God that you are not missing anything good and that all that is good about being in a relationship with the right person is being laid up in store for you.  You’re not missing out.  All of the good that you thought you were missing out on is just being deferred until later.
  2. Are you ready for it?  Are you ready for them?  Can a new person come into your life and stand on their own merits without being overshadowed by your past?  Maybe you haven’t been ready for a relationship.  Maybe you would actually be someone else’s torment.  Work on what you have control over.  You.  Become the best you that you can be.  Become the prize catch.  Trust God to work on the stuff you can’t control.  He knows exactly what makes you happy and He wants you to be happy.
  3. What are you seeking?  Jesus said in Matthew 6:33 (BBE) “But let your first care be for his kingdom and his righteousness; and all these other things will be given to you in addition.”  In this passage Jesus was talking specifically about physical needs, house, food & clothing but we see a bigger picture emerging.  He said in verse 31 “Then don’t be full of care…”  Then in verse 32 “Your Heavenly Father knows what you need”.  God cares about you, He has made provision to meet EVERY need that you have and the one thing he doesn’t want you doing is being FULL OF CARE (worried).  Trust that Your Heavenly Father knows what you have need of.

Ask God to help you.  Ask Him go grow you (both) up fast – to bring you (both) quickly to the place where you’re ready, and then bring you together.
Ask Him to deal with you bluntly,  and then commit yourself to hear….and to DO what you know to do.
Focus on you.  What do you bring to the table.  Don’t focus on them.  Stop looking at “What a real man/woman would do” and instead focus on you. You are all you will ever be able to control.  Focus on you.
Remember to keep God first.  There can only be one 1st place in your life.  Seek His kingdom first!  Then the other stuff will be added unto you.

Getting Hurt & Getting Over it.

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silhouette-female2-e1311003704858We all experience difficult times when dealing with people.  None of us are exempt from getting our feelings hurt.  In some cases the injury can be severe and we wonder how someone could be so inconsiderate.  There are those who it seems care little for the well being of others and knowingly and heartlessly hurt others without remorse.  Sometimes we have to deal with the light sting of getting the cold shoulder by acquaintances, while other times we suffer through deep treachery that comes from the terrible betrayal of loved ones that are close to us.  As I have been thinking about these things, I have come to understand that while none of us are exempt from this, most of us don’t really have an effective and consistent way of handling it when we’re hurt.

There are two questions we need to ask when we’ve been hurt.

  1. Is it my fault?  Was I acting stupidly?  Did I fire off my mouth when I should have been quiet?  Very often we know we shouldn’t say things but our pride gets us wound up and we “just gotta have our say”.  This has gotten more people in more trouble faster than probably any other thing.  I’ve done this more than once and I’m pretty sure you have too.  We knew we should have kept quiet but it started jumping around on the inside of us and rather than exercising self discipline, we yielded to our pride, had our say and ended up needing to be corrected or punished.  Maybe you didn’t control yourself with your spending and now you’re suffering having to cut back severely in order to pay your bills and get out of substantial debt.  These things are foolish and we should expect the suffering we face because of them. A really good example of suffering for your faults is found in King David.  Beginning in II Sam 11:1 we see that when David should have been with his army fighting the enemy, he instead stayed home.  One evening while relaxing on the roof of his house, he saw Bathsheba bathing on the roof of her house.  To shorten the story a little, David wanted her badly and ended up having her husband killed by having him put on the front line fighting and then ordering everyone else to withdraw and leave him standing alone.  The Lord told David through the prophet Nathan “YOU have killed him with the sword of the children of Ammon”.  We have record in the scripture that because of what happened that day, 4 people died and one suffered mentally and never recovered.  Uriah the Hittite died, 3 of David’s children died (the baby, Amnon, and Absalom) and David’s daughter Tamar was never the same.  All because of what started on the roof top.This makes me stop and think.  Sin always brings death.  It may not be instant and severe but our actions really do affect our future.  This is the reason God is against sin.
  2. Was it unjust?  What if you didn’t do anything wrong?  We all face situations where we have done our best, we have been kind, we have walked in love toward individuals and it just didn’t seem to go anywhere. In spite of all our efforts, we still got sideways with them. Joseph is one of the best examples of this.  He was sold into slavery by his brothers. He was then put into prison in Egypt.  Historians believe that Joseph was 17 when he was sold to the Midianites and scripture tells us that he was 30 when he stood before Pharaoh.  We understand then that Joseph suffered unjustly for approximately 13 years.  He never did anything wrong and he still suffered.  You can do all the right things and keep your heart right in every situation and still get your feelings hurt and suffer unjustly.  Don’t be surprised when this happens.

Each of these will need to be handled in its own way.  You can’t deal with one the same way that you would deal with the other.  If you are suffering because of your own faults but are trying to deal with it as if you haven’t done anything wrong, you are out of line.  I know people like this.  Nothing is their fault and they are perpetually victims.  This attitude is not going to help them.  It will keep them stuck and unable to move forward.  If you or I have been a fool and have gotten into trouble, the only real course to move forward is to humble ourselves and take responsibility for the suffering that we are experiencing.

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
– Calvin Coolidge

If you are hurt because you acted foolishly, here is what you can do to move forward.

  1. Say I’m sorry.  Own the problem and ask forgiveness for acting like a fool.  This is humbling yourself.  People will be far more merciful to the humble than to the proud.  When you humble yourself, it brings out the mercy in others most of the time.
  2. Own the consequences.  Don’t try to deflect or blame others.  Own it.  Sometimes the quickest way to get a bad situation behind you is to go through it and not around it.  If you have honor and integrity, you will stand behind your actions and accept the consequences.
  3. Ask God for help.  I remember hearing a man tell of the time when he made a foolish purchase and went into severe debt. He prayed and asked the Lord to help him.  He repented for being foolish and asked the Lord to help him preserve his word and integrity by helping him fulfill his obligation, and to get out from under the debt in a honorable way.  God did just that.  It took him tightening up his financial belt – a lot. It also didn’t happen over night, but God did help him and today he’s no longer in debt.

If you are hurt but you didn’t do anything wrong, here is what you can do to move forward.

  1. Forgive.  If you are experiencing unjust suffering, you must forgive.  I remember a time when some dearly beloved elders that I have served with were mistreated for something that they were not doing wrong.  It was hard to see people as committed and sincere as they were being dishonored and mishandled the way they were.  One man stepped down from serving because of it.  When I asked one of them how they were doing concerning it, their response was simply amazing.  They said, “We forgive them.  We don’t really have a choice about it”.  This is a mature Christian.  The bible says forgive. End of story.
  2. Endure.  In II Tim 2:3, Paul is admonishing Timothy.  He says, “Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ”.   Paul instructed Timothy to endure it because the temptation was going to be to collapse under it.  Paul was reminding Timothy to think like a soldier when it came to the hardship and hurt that he would face. Endure it, shake it off, keep moving forward.  Don’t let hurt stop you from pressing forward and completing the objective.
  3. Don’t be moved.  Don’t stop doing what’s right.  When you are on the right path, persecution will arise.  This is not an “If” but a “When” situation.  Persecutions will come.
    1Th 3:2 And sent Timotheus, our brother, and minister of God, and our fellow laborer in the gospel of Christ, to establish you, and to comfort you concerning your faith: That no man should be moved by these afflictions: for yourselves know that we are appointed thereunto. For verily, when we were with you, we told you before that we should suffer tribulation; even as it came to pass, and ye know.There are a couple of things to point out here.
    First, the temptation is to deviate from the right path.  So Timothy was to ESTABLISH the Thessalonians.
    Second, Timothy was also sent to COMFORT them.  The word comfort here can be interchanged with the word strengthen.  It was often used in 1611 (when the King James Bible was translated) to mean adequate or “up to the task”.  Timothy was sent to establish them, strengthen them, and make them “up to the task”.

You see, we are here, as far as I can tell,
to help each other; our brothers, our sisters,
our friends, our enemies.
That is to help each other and not hurt each other.
– Stevie Ray Vaughan

I think the key to all of this is to walk with a humble heart.  Many times we get hurt because we think we deserve something that we’re not getting.  A good policy to adopt concerning dealing with people is to expect nothing and be grateful for everything.  I have had the Lord check my heart to hold off on responding for 1 week to someone who was being harsh & rude.  When I got to the end of the week, I didn’t even want to bother with responding.  It was just no longer worth it.  Many times when we respond immediately to mistreatment, we also respond wrong.  Stop, wait, cool down & choose your response wisely.

Jas 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: 20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

Paul admonished Timothy to endure hardness as a good soldier  (II Tim 2:3).  This is there for us to follow too.  We should adopt this same soldier mentality as we walk out God’s plan for our life.  As for me…I’m in.  I will endure hardness, shake it off and keep moving forward.  What about you?

Join the conversation and leave your comments below.