Tag Archives: Father

My Post Father’s Day Post

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Each year as Father’s day comes around, I want to take some time to write a post about it because fatherhood is such a big deal to me.  If I’m honest though, it’s one of the hardest posts to write.  If you’re a regular reader, you know that my Dad and Mom separated when I was 10 and divorced when I was 11.  From that time to this, I’ve only spent time with my Dad once, and that was over Christmas break in the 1980’s.  The last time I heard his voice was the day my youngest daughter was born.  It will be 23 years ago this year.

While my Dad is still among the living, we don’t have any fellowship together.  I am not distant because it’s my choice.  I’m distant because it seems to be what they (he and his wife) want.

Truthfully, I really do want him to be happy, and if my presence or interaction with him and his family makes it hard for him, then I’m okay with keeping my distance.  My consoling thought is that when we both get to heaven, we will have a curse-less eternity to get things sorted out between us.  Until that day, I’m just going to love and honor him as best I can from this distance.

That being said, I try to always remember to send cards on Father’s day, his birthday and Christmas.  I don’t always remember but I try.  The reason is simple.  I want to make sure that I am doing all I can to honor him.  I might no be able to do much, but I will do all I can do.

If you read my posts, you will find that my writing is not about fixing your relationship with your Dad because I can’t really write about that with any credibility.  Instead, I focus on how to grow up and be a good, quality man, in spite of not having a Dad around.

While I speak about this issue honestly and don’t try to flower it up, I also NEVER throw my Dad under the bus so to speak.  I am honest but not derogatory.  I don’t use hateful speech when talking about him and I always try to emphasize that I love and honor him.

My experiences as a son have had a huge influence on my being a father myself.  I recognize the importance of being there and demonstrating my love for my children.  Hollywood often portrays the Dad as being foolish, childish or selfish, but a real Dad is none of those things.  Don’t get me wrong – Dad’s are usually great at horsing around with their kids, but real fatherhood is about training up your child.  It’s about learning things that are real enough and important enough to pass on to your children.  The goal of every Dad should be to make fully developed and mature sons and daughters out the the little children that God gave him.

 

 

The Driving Force That Is Dad

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father-child-on-beach

A guitar playing friend and I were having a conversation about David Gilmour a while back. We were discussing how we both believe that, Pound for Pound, he’s one of the best lead guitarists ever – for playing with feeling. No one is as good as he is at putting emotion into his leads.

While thinking about this, it occurred to me that as good as David Gilmour is, he was not the primary driving force behind the success of the band Pink Floyd. One of the other prominent members of the band was Roger Waters. Roger played the bass, wrote most of the songs with David, and also sang many of the songs. I am not crazy about the sound of Roger’s voice but he writes good songs.

A lot of Roger’s writing motivation came from the loss of his father. There are references to it in his songs throughout his career. Roger’s dad was killed in Italy during World War II when Roger was only five months old. Sadly, it wasn’t until just a few years ago that Roger learned this. For most of his life, he only knew that his father was missing in action and presumed dead. When I listen to the song Wish You Were Here, I can hear Roger’s heart about not knowing what happened to his dad.

This caused me to wonder. Would the Band Pink Floyd have ever reached the status that they have achieved had this sadness not existed in the heart of one man?  The things that I identify with, and enjoy in their music are in part, because of the veiled references to this very thing.

The truth is that fathers matter. Even absent ones have a remarkable effect on their children. The ripple that’s caused by a missing father can be seen and felt over multiple generations. I see in some people, how the training they received from their father concerning money has affected how even their children think about money. The opposite can also be seen. Fatherlessness often results in families that struggle financially. I can see it in the lives of people I know. So many struggle when it comes to money, and it becomes a generational mindset that gets passed down. Fathers matter.

In his article Manifesto of the new Fatherhood, Stephen Marche wrote “Fatherlessness significantly affects suicide, incarceration risk, and mental health. The new fatherhood is not merely a lifestyle question. Fathers spending time with their children results in a better, healthier, more educated, more stable, less criminal world. Exposure to fathers is a public good.”

You may be a man who’s dad isn’t present very often anymore, and now you find yourself being a dad.  What do you do?  What’s the right thing to do?  Below are some important guidelines every father needs to follow.

  1. Show up. You can’t have any influence for good in your child’s life if you’re not there. I promise, there will be tons of negative stuff to take your place when you are not there. Many fathers don’t realize that it’s not just what you bring into the relationship that matters, it’s what stays away because you’re there.
  2. Teach what you know is right. The lasting solution is to raise our children God’s way. That means that we teach our children the right way, and we exemplify what it means in our own lives. By precept upon precept, line upon line, here a little & there a little (Isaiah 28:10). It’s important for you to teach what you know is right. Some things are too important to just leave them to find out for themselves.  If you’ve found some right answers in your life, some things that work, then it’s incumbent upon you to pass it down.
  3. Lead by example. It means that fathers need to discipline themselves to model the right behavior. Paul the Apostle also tells us in Ephesians 6 that we as fathers are not to provoke our children to wrath (anger) but to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Scripture also tells us to train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it. The next verse is also connected to it, the rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.
    To me, fatherhood is one of the most important things I do. I think it’s vitally important to not only teach my children the right things, but to also live the right things out in the open where my children can see me. I do not give myself permission to be sloppy in this area. These are my children, and in the end, I will be accountable to God for what I did and didn’t put into them.

Like Roger Waters used his pain to fuel his creativity, I use the pain that came from growing up without my dad to fuel my desire to help others who are enduring it now. There are just so many of us.

I say to all fathers that read this. You are more important than you may think. Your children are worth fighting for. Remember – Show up, teach what’s right & lead by example.

Until next week – be encouraged.

Art

Honor Thy Father…

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As I publish this, today is Father’s Day.

If your dad is still with you and you have a strong relationship with him, today is probably a big day for you both. For your dad because his children, and maybe even his spouse are taking special occasion to show him what he means to them. For you as the child because you get to express your heart & openly appreciate the man who made such a difference in your life.

If you had a strong relationship with your dad but he’s not with you anymore, you can remember, love, miss, reflect & honor his memory today.

A lot of us, (and I mean A LOT!), may find ourselves today with a problem. We’re not sure what to do about Father’s day. Maybe your dad walked away from your life and you two don’t have any contact. Something happened that put a wall right down the middle of your relationship and now you don’t talk. What do you do with today?

Some people I know have used this as another occasion to honor mom. One person I know posted on social media “Happy Father’s Day because you had to be both. To the best Mom ever. I Love You!!”

While I have strong convictions about it, this week I just want to ask you a question.

Do you think we are “off the hook” when it comes to honoring a father who walked away?

I really want to hear what you think. I think this is worth having a conversation.

Art

What is Honor?

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What does it mean to be honored? I did a google search for images of honor and several images were found of the U.S. President placing a medal around the neck of a soldier. We celebrated Memorial Day recently where we honor the memory of our fallen soldiers. A large part of the observance of Memorial Day is to show honor by decorating their tombs and grave sites, and showing reverence for their sacrifice. It would seem then that honor has something to do with medals & decorations.

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While we do show honor through medals & decorations, in most cases, what we are really honoring is an act. Usually an act of courage, valor, or bravery. Acts come from the inside of people. Consistent acts reveal what is in the heart in abundance. It is in times of long service, or service under high distress and danger that a person’s true character is revealed. It is in moments like these, when some people rise up to a level of true greatness, revealing qualities of exceptional leadership, bravery or self sacrifice. In the act of honoring, we are acknowledging in them a high quality that we revere and value. We are ornamenting a person because they have made a significant impact for good to those around them. They have made a difference.

When we look to scripture, we see in Malachi 1:6 God the Father is asking a question of the priests. He says “A son honors his father, and a servant honors his master. So if I am a father, where is my honor? If I am a master, where is my respect? You priests who despise my name.”

“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to
succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have.”
― Abraham Lincoln

In this scripture we see both sides of honor. God says “If I am and Father and a Master, where’s my honor?” Implying that God expected to be honored and respected. The farther implication is that God expects that parents and masters (employers) are to be honored and respected also. (Ex 20:12. Eph 6:1-3. Col 3:22. 1 Pet 2:18).

Recently I saw a picture on social media of a man with his Bible on his knee and his hand wresting on it. In his hand was a lit cigar. I don’t remember what his caption said, but it was something like “this is church this morning”. This man’s father is a well respected minister with international influence. This man’s wife is also a minister working hard to grow her influence.

One of my first thoughts when I saw the picture was “Did his dad teach at home what he was teaching publicly?” Here’s why I’m bringing this up. This young man has what appears to be a successful business in town. At least in part, the success of the business is because his dad leveraged his own influence to help his son get launched. Many of the people who are following this young man on social media are doing so because of his father. Many of the people who saw that picture follow his father and whether people will admit it or not, this picture struck a blow against his father’s credibility. I will not say that it ruined it because his dad is a fine, upstanding man. I will say though, that it caused questions to be asked that would not have even been thought before the picture was posted. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The beginning of honor is to not cause shame (see The Road To Honor) .

Hypothetically, what if someone were considering asking this man’s wife to minister in their church, but decided against it because of this photo? I am not this man’s conscience. I am not his judge. My points here are based completely on the topic of honor and the apparent thoughtlessness of his actions.

“The most tragic thing in the world is a man of genius who is not a man of honor.”
― George Bernard Shaw

What is honor? Honor is to value as heavy. In the old days when barter and trade would happen, weights and scales were used to determine the value of things. Heavy usually meant better. Even in quality, heavy usually meant better built with more sturdy materials. When something was heavy, it was considered to be worth more. To honor is defined as value as heavy, Showing deference. A good name or public reputation. A showing of merited respect. High worth, and as a verb, a gesture of deference (bow).

The root word in Hebrew literally means: To cause to shine, to glorify or to add luster. This is the definition that I think of when I think of honor. When I think about my relationship with God, my parents & my leaders, I understand that I always need to be reverentially respectful toward them and to always live my life in a way that causes them to shine. I live to add luster to them. This is honor – and as you can see, honor comes from living from what they put into you. This is why poor choices bring dishonor and shame to them.

For me, the clearest example of honor was found in my paternal grandmother. She and my grandpa had been together for many years and raised nine children. When he passed away, she had a large photo of him framed and placed prominently on the wall in her living room. One Sunday afternoon when I stopped by for a visit, she confided in me that sometimes, when she was alone, she would talk to him. She also told me that she kissed that picture at night before she went to bed. This illustrates honor so clearly to me because of the way she honors his memory. She was showing how much she loved him and how heavily she valued him.

Honor is lacking in our world today. People hear the word and don’t understand what it really means. Because of this, they can’t do it and are suffering because of it. In the next few weeks, I want to go deeper into it and talk more about what it is, but also who we are to honor and what the benefits are because we walk in honor.

Understanding that to honor is to value, take some time this week to examine your life? Are you honoring those you should be honoring? Are you walking worthy of it yourself? Join the discussion by leaving a comment.

I appreciate you all!

Art

***Quotes above were found at:
http://www.goodreads.com

 

Becoming A Better Man.

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The driving force that is Dad.

Many of you know that my parents divorced when I was ten. After that, my dad just stepped away from all of us. From that time to this, I’ve only seen him once for a couple of weeks at the end of 1985. It seems that when my dad divorced my mom, he also divorced the children he had with her. I can’t fully articulate how I felt from being rejected by him.

One of my psychology professors once said that Love and Hate are very closely related. Many think they are opposites but that’s not true. They are both powerful emotions that come from relationships. The opposite of either is I Don’t Care. When relationships break up, whether they be marriages, long term dating relationships, or parent & child relationships, it’s the thought of “I no longer care” coming from a place where “I love you” used to come from that wounds the heart over and over again.

Man hat backward silhouette

It’s the thought of “I no longer care” coming from a place where “I love you” used to come from that wounds the heart.

For the next seven years, I had a pretty rough time. I was hurt, I was angry, I was brokenhearted, I was lost, I had big trust issues & big authority issues. I was betrayed, rejected and left twisting in the breeze by one of the two people I trusted most in the world. I did what I see a lot of young men doing today, I turned my hurt into anger.

For years I asked the question “What did I do?” Part of the reason I was struggling so much was that I couldn’t figure out what I had done to cause him to step away from me. Through my teens I learned how to party. As I look back now, I see that my party lifestyle was because I was looking for acceptance.  I got it to a degree from the people I hung with. I hung with those because they gave me a place to belong. I wasn’t myself when I was with my friends – it wasn’t safe to be myself with them. They were a rough bunch of guys, but the way I looked at it, at least I had friends.

As I grew up, I began to really resent my Dad. I determined that I was going to be a better man than he was. I turned my anger and resentment into fuel. The more I thought about him, the more I determined that I was going to be better in every way. I was going to become a great guy and he was not going to be able to take credit for it. I would be self made.

It wasn’t until after I recommitted my life to the Lord that I began to see the problem with my thinking. I was walking in bitterness and unforgiveness. Bitterness is bondage and it was keeping me from enjoying my life. The unforgiveness in my heart was actually keeping me from receiving forgiveness. It was also causing me to hold on to my hurt & torment myself with it. Not only that, but if there was ever going to be an opportunity to reconcile, unforgiveness would not allow it to happen.

The Lord began to work in my heart concerning my dad. It started when I began to see how much God loved me. When this understanding came, It changed everything. God loves me. Wow! When I would read in Romans 8:31 & 32 I would begin to tear up. It says :

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

I began to see that my Heavenly Father loved me. Fear began to fall away from me because I finally found my place. The place where I am accepted and received in Christ Jesus. I began to operate from a different place. Not a place of fear and self-centeredness where my eyes were always on me. I was no longer constantly thinking about how bad I had it. My mind wasn’t always on how much of a victim I was. I had a new point of view. I began to understand that God was for me. I now began to see everything from a position of strength. I was a son of God and He was for me. I didn’t have much to offer Him in return. I just wanted Him to be pleased with me in all my ways.

Being a better man starts with being a good son.

It didn’t take too long for me to understand that God wanted me to honor my dad. He wanted me to walk in love toward my dad. My Heavenly Father wanted me to be an even better man than I had attempted to become in my anger. God wants me to be a good son. Being a better man starts with being a good son.  That day I began a journey to be all the son I could be. I’m still on this journey but the Lord has put it on my heart to share my journey because there are so many who have a similar story. Many who don’t have a strong relationship with either their dad or mom and it torments them. It’s not God’s will or plan for us to be tormented. He’s helped me grow in wonderful ways and has put it on my heart to help others.

I can help you.

We can move forward together.

Do Unto Others – (A message for fathers)

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Today’s post is a guest post by my friend Debi Reece.

He was a little fella, single digits, seated in Children’s Church, head bowed as he colored the paper tie he was given by the teacher.  The teacher that knew, on this Father’s Day, he had no father to give it to.  I can’t imagine what went through his little mind while he listened all about daddies and worked on his daddy project.  I can’t imagine because I don’t want my own heart ripped in shreds.  I don’t want to feel the grief, the sweet innocent hoping, that would be unrequited.  This little guy deserved the love of a daddy, just like the other boys that would rush up to their dads with delight in their eyes, expectant hugs and gratitude their reward.

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On this day, he held the scribbled crayoned tie in his little hands as he walked up the stairs to the sanctuary to me, his mother.  Sweet little blonde haired boy, holds out the tie and tells me that he has to give this to a daddy.  I died a million deaths in an instant, paralyzed. He begins to look around the church, and spots a young dad, the father of a boy in his class.  He sees the boy give his dad the tie, and he turns to me…there! there’s a daddy!  I look up to see the man’s wife, and with a lump larger than one I’ve felt ever and since, I tell her that he needs to give this to a daddy and he saw your husband.  She nods.  I watch him run up to the man and hand his precious gift to him.  He accepts it and gives him a hug.  I am grateful. I am devastated.  I am appalled that fatherless children are coaxed to color paper ties for daddies that do not exist in their lives.  I condemn myself for making such a poor choice.  I seethe with anger at his dad.  I cry in despair. I forgive.  I struggle with forgiveness.  I am weary of the emotions and the wondering if I have really forgiven.

I don’t know if the man realized what a precious innocent gift he had been given.  I know that God’s heart had to ache.  I believe God kept that little tie, somehow and some way. His Word says if your father or mother forsake you, I will lift you up.  It is not easy to trust a Daddy God when earthly daddy wasn’t around.  So many men have been there.  So many struggled with pain, envy when they saw friends with daddies.  How unfair to bring such pain on an innocent soul that God gave you to love.  So many times the cycle is perpetuated, but it is time to stop.  It’s time to Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  If you are a father that had no example, what would you have wanted?  What did you need?  Why not give it to your child?  Why not seek the Bible, your church, prayer, godly counsel to help you be the dad you never had but can be to your child?  That takes courage.  That takes love.  You deserve to be the dad your child needs and they deserve to be pure treasure to you.

 

Debi BantaDebi is a Family Resource Specialist with Community Action.  She has been with the local Community Action agency since 2002.  Community Action Agencies exist throughout the nation to alleviate the causes and conditions of poverty.  They strive to enrich the lives of families and individuals within the community by providing opportunities, offering assistance and empowering people to make positive change. Debi most enjoys being a conduit to share resources with those in need, particularly Life Skills classes that share knowledge that makes a long term difference.
Debi is now an empty nester with nine grandchildren.

Dad. Bug killer and so much more!

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Let’s talk about Arthropods for a minute.  Hold on, it will make sense in a minute.  I know, this is the weekend.  Why the organism classification lesson?  I’ll explain but first, here’s the definition.

Arthropod  [ ˈärTHrəˌpäd ]  noun: arthropod · plural noun: arthropods.   An invertebrate animal of the large phylum Arthropoda, such as an insect, spider, or crustacean.     Powered by OxfordDictionaries · © Oxford University Press.

Arthropod comes from the Greek and it literally means “joint-footed”.  It’s a phylum classification right under Kingdom in the seven levels of organism classification.  Pretty interesting right?  Why do I bring this up?  Because this phylum falls under the area of my boot.  These are all of the things that as a dad, it’s my job to kill.  I am the last line, nay, sometimes the only line of defense against the vile creepy crawly things that make the girls in my house shriek and climb on furniture.  Have mercy! If I’m not home when a “Bug Event” happens, I get to hear all about it when I do get home; every detail right down to a vivid description of the sound of the crunch.  Things have only gotten worse since we’ve moved to a state where the spiders grow big.  It doesn’t help much that we live out of town a little and there are fields, livestock and green areas nearby.  We don’t leave the porch light on too long because it will summon so many bugs that you will undoubtedly let several in with you when you come in the house.   These are things that I don’t mind though.  I’m dad.  Most of the time, I love being the place where the buck stops and I certainly don’t have a problem with my conscience while murdering Arthropods.

Shoe

One time, several years ago, our Boxer, his name was Hobbs, ate a dryer sheet or something like that.  We didn’t know about it until he went out to do his big business.  What ever it was that he ate didn’t have enough substance for his body to handle efficiently.  We looked out the back door to see our dog running around the yard with several inches of something hanging out of his nether regions. It didn’t seem to be bothering him a bit.  He wanted to come inside.  I don’t think so buddy!  After all the “Ew! Gross!” it became apparent that this was another job for the last line of defense.  Dad.  The bottom line.  The place where the buck stopped!  My first thought was, “Which pair of pliers are the cheapest and most disposable? And where are they?”  Needless to say, we got it taken care of and everyone laughs about it today.

When one has not had a good father, one must create one.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

There are lots of icky, disgusting things that will happen in a family, with pets, children and maybe even both at the same time.  If dad is there, these things will very often be his job to deal with.  And while these are important, there are some far more important things that dad should be bringing to the table.

  1. Be an example of an honest man to your family.  I can’t stress this enough.  Your children need to know that you are telling them the truth.  They will not be able to trust you and have confidence in your word if you are in the habit of lying to them.  The reason we can trust our Heavenly Father is because His Word doesn’t break down.  He’s behind it making it come to pass.  Like God, we as fathers should be willing to do what ever it takes and to go to extraordinary lengths in order to make our word stand up.  A man and his word are inseparable.  Also, your children will model what you do more than what you say.  If you don’t want your children to be dishonest, you need to get dishonesty out of you.
  2. Be an example of integrity to your family.  The simplest definition of integrity is “Undivided” and “Whole”.  If a man has integrity, that means that he’s undivided.  He’s not moving in two directions.  He’s not a hypocrite.  He is not presenting himself one way but behind the scenes, he’s doing something else.  Integrity falls in close to honesty.  A father with integrity is an open book.
  3. Be an example of humility to your family.  I don’t think most people fully understand what humility is.  I think most people equate being humble with being weak.  This is not the truth.  True humility is being completely honest about yourself.  The bible cautions us not to think more highly of ourselves that we aught to think (Rom 12:3 KJV), but to think soberly (Greek – sophroneo = right mind).  Humility is to have a very real, undiluted understanding of who you really are, what you really can do, and what you are really responsible for.  The Bible doesn’t say that you can’t think highly of yourself, it says not to think more highly than you aught.  A man of humility will have an honest look at himself and discern what is “of himself” and what is “the grace of God”.  When we realize that our very next breath and heartbeat comes from God, we get perspective about how much of our life is only possible because of His grace & mercy.  This mindset is true humility.
  4. Be an example of submission and authority to your family.  Your family needs to see you submitting to a higher authority.  It may be how you relate and respond to your own parents, your pastor or your boss.  It helps your children have an understanding that things need to have an order, and just as you stand in submission in certain areas of your life, in others you stand in authority.  Your example in these areas will teach your children that both are necessary.  People who struggle in submitting to authority will be severely handicapped in life and work. They will be held back by their own stubbornness and arrogance.
  5. Be an example of a faithful man to your family.  Are you worthy to have others put faith in you?  A few years back I served in church with someone that would sometimes not show up.  I used to get a little frustrated because when I went to rely on them, it was a gamble as to whether they would be there or not.  They were unfaithful.  Unfaithfulness doesn’t mean that you’re not there; it means that you are not consistent and therefore can’t be fully trusted with the heavy lifting in a relationship; whether it be personal or professional.  What this person didn’t realize was that by being unfaithful, they undermined their own trustworthiness and reputation.  Even though I like them as people and enjoy fellowshipping with them, when the chips are down, I don’t call them.  Faithfulness to your family should mean that their hearts SAFELY trust in you.  Proverbs 25:19 says that confidence in an unfaithful man in a time of trouble is like a broken tooth or a foot out of joint.  In either case, you will suffer when you put pressure on them.

My dad wasn’t there to teach these things to me, but if my example shows you anything, it’s that if you trust God, you will not be deficient.  He will see to it that you get what you need.

What other things can you add to my list?  Join the conversation by leaving a comment.  Also, if this has helped you in any way and you think it might help someone else, please share it.  Also, consider signing up to my mailing list.  You can receive these posts by email and not miss one.