Are You A Man Worth Having?

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I’ve seen a lot of Memes & image cards on the internet that tell me what a good man is, or what a good man will do.

Here are some characteristics gleaned from social media about what a Real or Good man is.

He listens.

He reads.

He’s secure enough to have her stand in the lime-light.

He’s romantic.

He minds his manners.

He holds the door open.

He understands that he doesn’t know everything.

He makes a conscious effort to learn something new every day.

He reads this without being offended.

He treasures a woman’s heart after he’s won it.

He doesn’t have time to look at another woman because he’s too busy looking for ways to love his own.

He changes himself because he loves his woman.

He’s careful with his decisions & actions so he’s never responsible for her pain.

A real man will make missing you his hobby, caring for you his job, and making you happy his duty, and loving you his life.

man-worth-having

Do you agree with these? When it comes to being a real good man, I think most of them are narrowly focused and missing the point.

While I think that too many women are already yoked to a man who is not worth having, one of the underlying themes in my writing is to help that. I want to write about being a man of quality. In relationships, being a man worth having.

One of my first jobs that didn’t involve delivering newspapers or mowing grass was as a dish washer for the local Elk’s Club. One day while on my way home from work, I came to a red light and there was a car stopped in front of me. While waiting for the light to turn green I noticed in the car in front of me, the man behind the wheel, closed fist punching the woman in the passenger seat. He punched her 4 or 5 times that I could see. I was just stunned. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I’m a teenager & I didn’t really know what to do. All I could think of was that I should maybe honk my horn or something to let him know that I was witnessing his abuse. The light changed, they were gone and I did nothing.

That incident has come to my mind many times over the years and I have rolled it over and over in my mind, trying to determine what the best & most appropriate action should have been. It bothers me when I think about it because I wasn’t raised thinking it was acceptable to hit women and I still wish to this day that I had done something.

She needs to know you’re not going to hit her or abuse her.  If you have a tendency to lose your temper and hit and If you are going to torment and punish her for choosing you, you are not a man worthy of the relationship. To be a man worth having, you need to show her that she’s safe with you.

A few years ago a woman I knew was let go from her job. The company had been sold and was being moved to another state. We all knew her fairly well and we knew that her husband hadn’t had a job in some time. When we asked her how she was doing, she said she was doing alright and was doing a little brokering. We asked if her husband was out looking now that she was unemployed, to which she replied with an eye roll “That would be too life altering for him”. We could tell that she didn’t like supporting him and that her whole situation was discouraging to her.

Remember, God gave Adam a job before He gave him a woman. While both spouses can, and many do work outside the home, a husband needs to be a prominent contributor to the financial well being of the family. I don’t think he needs to necessarily be the primary breadwinner, but he also should not making his wife support him while he spends all his time playing, and not contributing. To be a man worth having, provide for your family & make sure they have what they need.

There’s a guy I knew once that used to call his wife fat in front of his relatives. I used to ask myself why he would do that, but it doesn’t take much thought to really understand why. She was over weight. She knew she was over weight. He knew she was over weight. Everyone who saw her knew she was over weight. What was the point of calling it out and drawing focus to it? He was unhappy with her weight and was trying to shame her into changing it.

To be a man worth having, you need have her back, to look out for her and protect her. Not just physically, but also spiritually and emotionally. Not causing her to be publicly humiliated, but rather, to run interference for her.

When my wife and I are out together, I can usually see when a conversation or an interaction is going weird for her. I see it coming and interject myself to take steps to stop it or change it’s direction. When I recognized that there were things that I would do in front of others that bothered her, I took steps to quit doing them. Why? Because I’m her covenant partner and I’m on the lookout for this stuff. She’s my covenant partner and is doing the same for me.

Being a man worth having starts long before any relationship begins.  It really starts with a man making solid decisions about the kind of man he wants to be.  A man worth having is a man of honor, integrity, humility & faithfulness in every area of his life, not just in relationships.  He is these things because God put in him a desire to be these things. He doesn’t do it for her, but any woman in his life will benefit from his commitment to being a man of excellence.  While I’m talking about men here, these things don’t only apply to men.  These are universal principles and we should all be working to put them into our lives.

So, what do you think?  Have I left something out?  Leave a comment & let me know your top attribute for a man worth having.  I look forward to the conversation.

If this has helped you, please consider sharing.  Thanks again,

Art

 

Being A Man Of Love

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To be a good man, you need to bring good things to the table. Think about it. In dating, you may have high standards for what you are looking for in a woman, and that’s okay. You need to make sure that you’re meeting your own requirements first though. You need to be a man of equally high value.  Why would you want to punish a woman for choosing you? You need to be a man worth having. To be worth having, you have to have a few things nailed down.

man-on-rocks-at-beach

Photo courtesy of stocksnap.io

All friendships and relationships destined to grow and become meaningful need to start out with courtesy and manners. If a person doesn’t lead off with courtesy and manners, they are immediately making the road ahead unnecessarily difficult before they even walk it.  While courtesy & manners are the basic minimum for any positive relationship to last, to have a truly meaningful and mutually fulfilling relationship, Godly love must become the center and the glue that holds all else together.  A good man will have manners and be courteous, but a good man will also be a man of love.

From the Bible, the Greek word for this love is:

ἀγάπη  agapē  ag-ah’-pay.  From G25 (Strong’s); love, that is, affection or benevolence; specifically (plural) a love feast: – (feast of) charity ([-ably]), dear, love.

In the Hebrew the word is:

חֵסֵד  chêsêd   kheh’-sed.   From H2616 (Strong’s); kindness; by implication (towards God) piety; rarely (by opprobrium) reproof, or (subjectively) beauty: – favour, good deed (-liness, -ness), kindly, (loving-) kindness, merciful (kindness), mercy, pity.

True love brings all sorts of other things with it. Things like respect, faithfulness, honesty, integrity & kindness & mercy.  To be a good man, you need to be a man of Love.

  1. Love God. Put Him first in your life. Make His path for your life your top priority. His path for you includes only good. His plan for you is the best possible life you could possibly have.
    Loving God means also allowing God’s love to flow through you. You allow yourself to be a conduit through which the Love of God can flow. God loves people through you. Therefore, you love people with the love of God.
  2. Love your wife. This applies to those who are already married.  If you are not but plan on it one day, listen up.  As a godly men, the Bible has shown us that we are to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. The very next sentence shows us how Christ loves the Church, He gave Himself for it (Eph 5:25-26). A husband shows love for his wife when he gives of himself to and for her. I also think it’s worth pointing out that when Jesus gave himself for the Church, he has never taken himself back. He will forever be our high priest. He will forever be our intercessor. He will never stop giving himself for us. If he ceased either one of these things, we would surely be lost.
  3. Love your brethren. Jesus said By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another (John 13:35). He then said This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you (John 15:12). While I think it’s important to walk in love toward those that are lost, Jesus specifically emphasized that the world would know that we are His disciples by the love we show one another. That’s a specific love to a specific group. Who? To the brethren. How? As I have loved you. How did he love us? John 15:13 says Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
  4. Love those that are without. One of the lawyers trying to trip Jesus up asked Him a question. Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets (Mat 22:36-40).  In this case, neighbor means near by.  The one physically close to you.  This is where we get the Golden Rule.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

When Jesus said that the greatest love is shown when a man lays down his life for his friends, It doesn’t necessarily just mean dying.  Your life is measured by time.  You can give your life by giving your time, and giving your time is a demonstration of love.  Paul the Apostle wrote to the Corinthian church & said “I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved.” (2 Cor 12:15).  Spending and being  spent are representing Paul’s resources, and Paul’s time.  He equates them both with abundantly loving the people of the Corinthian church.

I want to challenge you this week.  Could you use a tune up in the area of love?  Take some time this week and spend it on someone you want to show love to.  Make the time only about them.  I’d love to hear the results.

I appreciate you guys!

Art

 

Five ways to avoid hurting with your words.

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These days when we have a question, we can almost immediately satisfy our curiosity by whipping out our smart phones and googling it. I do this all the time. Unfortunately, accessing information this way doesn’t necessarily help us remember it. Most of the time, once I’ve satisfied my curiosity, I forget the answer I looked up. It’s like we’re all players in a real life game of trivial pursuit, except we don’t really have to know anything. We can just google it.

While I may not retain some of what I google in curious whimsy, I have learned a tremendous amount from my own online research. Everything from building a website to installing an electric window regulator in a Honda Accord. The global knowledge base is there for anyone with a device to access.

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While I’ve learned quite a bit online, sometimes it’s hard to practically do what you learn because there are subtleties in any job that you can only learn by doing. This is the difference between wisdom and knowledge. While doing my daughter’s brakes, the first took me about 45 minutes.  The second took me nine.

Knowledge is – the fact or condition of knowing something with familiarity gained through experience or association” – (Websters Online Dictionary). Wisdom on the other hand is – Accumulated philosophic or scientific learning; Knowledge, ability to discern inner qualities and relationships. Insight, good sense; Judgment, generally accepted belief – (Websters Online Dictionary).

To break it down a little, Knowledge is knowing. Facts have been accumulated, stored and remembered, while Wisdom is the skillful use of knowledge. One can be wise in one area but foolish in another, while possessing knowledge in both areas.  When I see a wise man, I understand that in the area that he is wise, it’s not his first time dealing in it. He’s not a novice.

I say all of this because I want to be wise when dealing with others. I don’t want to rely on knowledge only when dealing with people. I care about people. I spend time thinking about interactions and in some cases, I try to choose words and actions in advance. I do this because if I see a potential problem, I want to do all I can to avoid it, and sometimes that means seeing it coming and deciding in advance how I will handle it so that in the moment, I’m not overtaken by high emotions or stress.

That’s why it bothers me so much when I do get swept up in emotion and stress. Sometimes, things just get sideways.

A few years ago I made someone so angry that they stopped speaking to me. I didn’t mean to make them that angry, but they were reaching out for help and I didn’t see it. Instead, I saw them being melodramatic and manipulative. They were hurting and I didn’t realize how much. I was insensitive, rude and I hurt their feelings. I also didn’t see how strong their response would be, so I was totally shocked when it all went south.

I am thankful to say that we have fixed things between us and are enjoying a good relationship, but it’s not the first time I’ve hurt someone and not seen it coming. I sometimes have a big mouth. I really don’t like when I hurt people so I’ve compiled a short list of things I try to do to avoid it.

  1. Ask God for wisdom.
    James 1:5 If any of you needs wisdom to know what you should do, you should ask God, and he will give it to you. God is generous to everyone and doesn’t find fault with them. (GW).
  2. Consider the end.
    Proverbs 22:3 says A prudent man foresees the evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished. The fool passes all the signs of trouble but doesn’t see them. They just roll down the road at full speed and are surprised when they run into trouble. A wise man by contrast, will see the trouble coming and take action to either stop it, or side step it. Jeff Walker calls this Looking through the corners.  It’s a reference to being in a race. When you are moving fast, the wrong thing to do is to just look right in front of you. If you do that, problems will enter your field of vision too late for you to respond.  If you look thought the corners, you’ll see it coming and you will have plenty of time to take action.  We can to this with interpersonal relationships too. We can anticipate certain problems and head them off before they can happen.
  3. Look to your elders for wisdom.
    I remember a situation while serving in a helps ministry at church.  Something happened that hurt our leaders. Everyone saw it and everyone knew that they were hurt. I remember talking to one of them and asking her what she was going to do. I was expecting her to outline a strategy for dealing with it but that’s not what she did. She responded with this. “I’m going to forgive them. What other choice do I have?” That answer has stayed with me and helped me on many occasions. This woman loves God and loves people. The Lord commanded her to forgive, (Mark 11:25). Neither she, nor the Lord consider this to be a suggestion.  It didn’t come with options. She knows and has demonstrated that to obey means to forgive. In like manner, our elders can often see things from a higher perspective than we can, and can often offer excellent guidance.
  4. Let everything come from a heart of love.
    Let your reasons for saying or doing anything be motivated by a true desire to help and to show love. Many people have been hurt by people saying “Well, I told them the truth!” Scripture says about believers that we: “speaking the truth in Love, may grow up in Him in all things” (Eph 4:15). I don’t think its accidental that when we are speaking the truth IN LOVE, that we are showing signs of maturity and growth. It’s important that we make sure our words are born of love and are spent out of our mouths with the purpose of edifying and strengthening one another.
  5. Shut up.
    Truthfully, no one wants free advice, so we shouldn’t be quick to give advice unless we’re asked. Most of the time, when people are wanting to talk, we need to answer the other half of that equation…we need to listen. Many people are looking to share and to be heard. It’s only when they ask that we should think it appropriate to advise. We need to watch for the phrase “You know what you should do?” While it’s usually coming from a honest desire to help, it often has an underlying message. “You know what you should do? Follow my advice because it’s obvious that you don’t know how to live your life”. While people may not intend to send this message, it’s often the one that’s heard.

Interpersonal relationships can be tricky sometimes, depending on the people involved. I don’t think any of us get out of bed in the morning thinking “Who can I pick a fight with today?”, but sometimes the fight just finds you. My prayer is that I’ve given you some practical things to help you avoid hurting people with your words.

While I know that sharing this sort of stuff is hard because none of us really wants to show our shortcomings, do you have a story that can help others? Please join the conversation & leave a comment.

Also – If this has helped you in any way and you think it can help someone else, please consider sharing.

Thank You!

Art

Cutting People Some Slack

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The other day I ran into some road work on my way home. This construction is not far from my house and I hit it nearly every day.  I tend to get into the correct lane early and slowly roll through the construction. Everyday many cars speed by on the left trying to get all the way up to the front of the slow line before attempting to merge. I’m almost never one of those people. I would rather get into the correct lane early, where the sign says “merge now”, rather than hoping someone will let me in later. One way is easy, the other can turn into a confrontational mess.

The other day, a pest control truck sped past everyone and forced its way into the traffic right before the lane closure. This got under my skin a little too much. I thought to myself, “What a ME FIRST jerk”! I remember thinking that someone should take a picture of his automotive billboard, you know, the truck with his name, number and business name all over the side, and paste it all over social media calling him out on his bad manners behind the wheel.

One to take on image card

Here’s where the problem came in. Earlier that same day, I had to go home for lunch in a hurry because of something urgent I needed to take care of. I was in a hurry and I’m sure there might have been people who thought my driving was fast and lacked courtesy. It probably was, I was in a legitimate hurry. We all have times when we are in a legitimate hurry. The pest control guy could have been racing home because of a distress call from his wife. I don’t know. So why did I automatically jump to negative thinking?

Unfortunately, we all often forget those times when we are judging others behind the wheel. Now I will concede that there are probably times when people are just being rude and selfish, but we won’t necessarily know, one way or the other. So why do we assume the worst? I catch myself doing this a lot and I hate it. Why is it that my first thought is that people are being mean spirited? Why do I seem to assume that people are being malicious first, and then have to re-think and make a conscious and deliberate decision to think more positively about them?

We have a tendency to judge others by the outcome but judge ourselves by our intentions. I have learned that when I’m tempted to judge a situation, the closer I get to it, the more I understand why it was done the way it was done. I need to keep this in mind to help me when I’m tempted to form a fast, uninformed opinion.

Jesus said in Luke 6:27 & 28 “But I tell you who hear: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who mistreat you”. (WEB). This is not a suggestion from the Master, this should be our default setting, so how do we get this to be where we start? Instead of taking things the wrong way, thinking negatively about them and then catching ourselves, how do we begin on the right foot so to speak?

I think what I really need is a habit. I want my first thought to be positive. Some may say that it’s not even possible but I think we can be far better than we are. I know I have room to grow.

Hebrews says – For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe. But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil. (Heb 5:13-14).

We can get to the point where our very senses can be developed to discern whats right and wrong. How to we get to that point? The Bible says in Romans 12:2 that we are not to be conformed to this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, that we may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God.

So the first step to making this change is to renew our minds with the scripture. This means getting plenty of exposure to it. It’s going to take more than a quick verse in the morning. Real change requires real commitment.

One thing you can do is print out 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and personalize it.  Tape this to your bathroom mirror and read it out loud every time you look into the mirror.  You can get a copy of it here.

I want to do better. Do you want to join me? This can be our One To Take On this week. Join the conversation by leaving a comment. You can also follow me on Facebook and Twitter. Just click the icons in the upper right corner.

Don’t forget to share.

I sure do appreciate you.

Art

Decisions & deceptions. How we make choices.

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The fact that there are so many people who report to have and enjoy a real, sincere relationship with God should at least be reason to have an open mind. For His existence to be so lightly considered and so easily dismissed seems to be unusually closed minded. I have heard people who profess no believe in God, compare the early church gospel writers to “near Cro-magnon men”. This argument is meant to belittle Christians and try to strike at the credibility of the writers of the Bible. The problem is that this statement actually reveals a very strong bias and prejudice, and isn’t scientific at all.

Man on mountain at dawn

When science and Christianity don’t seem to fit together, it doesn’t mean one is true and the other is not, it just means there’s more there to know and there’s a hole in our understanding. What these gaps in our collective understanding mean to me is simple. It just means we don’t know yet.

Most people would agree that there is a spiritual realm and that people have a connection to it. The problem materialistic thinkers have with spiritual things is that they can’t readily be measured. When we find that something can be perceived but we can’t figure out how to measure or quantify it, denying it exists is a huge leap. What we begin to see is something Chip & Dan Heath discuss in their book Decisive call Confirmation Bias.

Confirmation Bias is the way we deceive ourselves. Confirmation Bias is when we form a quick belief about something and then seek information and evidence to bolster what we already believe. I may make a poor choice and then afterwards try to build a case for why it was the right choice. I’m trying to justify my position. This is Confirmation Bias.

I may choose one of my team members to help me with a special project. I choose this person because I like them and we just click. They may be poorly suited to do what I need them to do but I didn’t choose them on that basis. Even if I made a Pro’s & Con’s list, it would be slanted by the bias I have already built in.

A CEO has an idea that will change the direction of the company, he believes it is the right move and he needs to convince the board that it’s the right move so he starts compiling data, but his data comes back nearly evenly split for and against the change in direction. What data will be used when talking to the board? The data that supports the idea. The data against the move may be minimized or even ignored totally. It may all appear very scientific but in reality, the bias was added early in the recipe.

Dan Lovallo says “People go out & collect data and they don’t realize they’re cooking the books”. We think we want truth but what we really want is reassurance. Do these jeans make me look fat? A lot of our questions don’t crave an honest answer.

What do you think? Have you noticed yourself falling for confirmation bias? Join the conversation & leave a comment.

Are you being authentic or just stupid?

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One podcast I enjoy listening to is called Steal The Show with Michael Port. Most of the time, the format of the podcast is that Michael interviewing people that he believes will add value to his listener. Sometimes its just him speaking directly to the listener. In the last few episodes, Michael has touched on what it means to be authentic and quite honestly, he’s got me thinking.

The Bible says in Pro 18:2 A fool hath no delight in understanding, but that his heart may discover itself.

Barnes commentary on Prov 18:2 says this:  Another form of egotism. In “understanding,” i. e., self-knowledge, the “fool” finds no pleasure; but self-assertion, talking about himself and his own opinions, is his highest joy.

Chameleon

During Michael’s interview with Tucker Max, they discussed in depth about having different rolls for different situations. Tucker speaking quite candidly, said “I’ve always resisted the idea that we should have different rolls for different situations, but it’s kind of an immature, young person thing to do to say ‘No – I have one identity. I’m one person. I’m going to be the same everywhere. That’s the only way to be honest’. That’s that sort of idealistic, nonsense, young person stuff. Finally, I have come around to realize that having different social masks, identities, or rolls is not being fake.”

Michael responds with “To be called a chameleon is generally considered an insult, but a chameleon is adaptive. They are green when they are on a green leaf, they are red when on a red leaf, but they are never faking it. It’s actually part of who they are, and people have those abilities too.”

Michael later interviewed Mark Bowden. Mark is an expert at body language. He comes from an acting & performance background. Mark points out that at any given time, you feel multiple ways about what’s going on. It’s up to you to decide the most appropriate manner to display yourself. In this you are still being authentic, but you are also being wise.

Here’s a simple, personal example of what Mark talked about:

  • This is hard. It’s hard to write things week after week with very little engagement from readers. I don’t know if anyone is listening. I don’t know if it’s going anywhere. I don’t know if I’m really helping anyone. It’s hard to keep moving forward. I could be doing something more fun right now. I’m not sure it’s worth it.
  • This is awesome. I absolutely love doing this blog. I love making a difference in the lives of people. I am so grateful that God has given me this incredible opportunity. I’m making a difference in the lives of people. Even if it’s not today, maybe someone will read my stuff in the future and it will change their life. This is awesome. I have so much to say! I love helping people!

Right now, both of these thoughts exist in me. I have to decide which is appropriate for the situation and yield to that one. I am not betraying myself by shutting down thoughts that I have that don’t help me or move me forward.

It seems to me the idea that, in order to be authentic, we should only have one version of ourselves and force-fit that one version into all situations is a bit stupid.

To a certain extent, I expect to see this in younger people. They are still learning what is important. It breaks my heart to see it in people who are old enough to know better though. They are really hindering themselves. Here’s why.

When you hold to the idea that in order to be true to yourself and to be truly authentic, you must be the one version of YOU in all situation, you are requiring the people and the environment to meet you on your terms. You are requiring them to wrap around you – to serve you, your will, your way. We might call people like this High Maintenance. What they really are is selfish.

On the other hand, when you go into every situation with the idea that “I will be what the situation requires”, you are not being less authentic, you are being the version of you that cares about the people you’re with. You’re being more thoughtful, more compassionate, more helpful. You are people and situation focused instead of me focused. You are still being you, you are just being the better, more giving and caring version of who you really are.

So what do you think? Do you have a story about what it means to authentic? Please join the conversation in the comments.

Also, If this has helped you, please share.

Love you guys.

Art

Has your past defined your future?

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What do you think of when you hear the word Authentic?

One show that I watch on a fairly regular basis is The Antiques Roadshow. On that show they talk a lot about authenticity. They often use the word Provenance.

While authenticity means real, or genuine, provenance means a record of ownership used as a guide to authenticity or quality. Provenance is a traceable past, and it can often determine the value of an antique.

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Michael Flanigan, a Baltimore dealer of antique American furniture, says “Provenance separates the special, almost sacred objects of the past from the ordinary ones.” On the PBS website, Michael describes provenance as an object’s “itinerary through time.”

In 1997 while the Antiques Roadshow was in San Francisco, a woman brought in a gold presentation cane that was given to a man named Enoch Gerdst by his fellow citizens of Stockton, CA on October 25, 1855. The cane was finely decorated and well documented. In addition to having this provenance, it was also well documented that the wooden part of this cane was made from wood taken from Independence Hall in Philadelphia after a remodel. The highly engraved metal cap of the cane was made from the bell that rang to signify the signing of the Declaration of Independence. The history was all there and documented.

Now I don’t know anything about the value of your average cane, so I googled pricing to find that you can get a pretty decent cane made of metal and wood online for about $70. We don’t know where that cane online came from. It’s one of thousands and it’s provenance is either unknown or unimportant. In contrast, the cane given to Enoch Gerdst is worth $30,000 today. (Read More here)

While authenticity and provenance are great ways to determine the value of objects, they seem to be terrible ways to determine the value of men.  When we use history to determine the potential of a young man, we may be putting limits on him that under neutral circumstances, he could easily surpass.

I’ve written before about how there are people from my past, who look down on anyone with my last name.  Or my former co-worker who, it seems, will forever see me as a 19 year old with a bad attitude.  (Read post here).

What’s even worse than the sentence that comes from without is the one that comes from within.  Many young people can’t see themselves ever being worth very much because their provenance is abuse, a broken home, or a missing father.

I remember being there. As a young man, I remember fighting for respect and spending so much time trying to craft an image that people would like.  I was just sure that if I didn’t work hard to get respect, that no value, respect or care would come. I felt like most people didn’t think I was worth anything.  Compared to the guys I went to school with, who’s dads owned their own businesses or were executives, I felt like I had no advantage.  I felt stuck.  There was nothing significant or special about me.

I learned that I didn’t have to be stuck!  I discovered that I was valued.  I learned that God loved me.  I learned that He wanted a relationship with me and wanted to help me. Jer 29:11 says – I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope. (Gods Word Translation).

It all began with a choice on my part.  (Find out more here).  An amazing thing happened when I did that.  God made me part of His family.  He changed my provenance.  I am now authentically accepted in the beloved.  He has become my Father and I have become His son.  I know the price that was paid for me.  Jesus laid down His very life.  I know, know, know that I have value and worth.

You don’t have to let your past determine your worth either.  You can make a change.  Just click this link to find out more.  (Find out more here).

 

What to do when you want to Get Even.

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Our good friends take us to dinner for our birthday. Suddenly, while we’re enjoying the food and the company, the waitstaff descends on us with a loudly sung song in celebration. It may involve horns, whistles and a funny hat. It almost always involves a dessert dish of some sort and a tiny bit of public embarrassment. We look at our dear friends after things quiet down and mutter “I’ll get even with you!”

Forgive social card background

Getting even. We all know what it means. Sometimes we use it jokingly, but often it comes from a place of being hurt, and it has become synonymous with retaliation. It usually means that someone has been hurt. One party has caused some sort of wrong or damage onto another.

Getting even comes from the idea that “Even” is the condition we all need to be in. In our interactions with one another, there is give and take. Even means scores are settled, debts are paid and we are on the level with one another. This is where we all attempt to live with each other.

For any number of reasons, someone may have done something that hurt us. Whether it resulted from an accident that they couldn’t fix, negligence that they wouldn’t fix, or a mean spirit where causing pain & trouble was the goal, you were the one who got hurt in the process.

Things need to be brought back into a state of being even. In natural man’s thinking, that means that a couple of things might likely happen.

  • Restitution. A person at the store accidentally backed into your car. Their insurance pays to bring things back to the way they were before the accident.The teenager across the street accidentally under-steers while backing out of the driveway and takes out your mailbox. They pay you to replace your mailbox.

    I remember the time I had to replace my uncle’s sliding glass door. I accidentally walked through it thinking it was open. It shattered everywhere. I payed for a new one. It was the right thing to do.

  • Revenge. Our legal system is based on a system of standardized and systematized revenge. People pay with portions of their lives based on how serious the crime was that they were convicted for. Stealing, first offense could get a sentence of one year of probation, while treason or terrorism could get the death penalty.One well known case of revenge was when Aaron Burr decided he had enough of what he considered Alexander Hamilton’s back room dealings. Burr challenged Hamilton to a duel. The duel resulted in Hamilton’s death.

    Revenge can even be something so small as back biting and gossip. You wouldn’t ever physically harm someone, but you’re going to make sure EVERYBODY knows what they did to you and how badly you were victimized by that meanie.

There is another road. It’s called forgiveness. Sometimes people can’t pay what’s owed. Revenge can be pretty costly. Usually when someone is the victim of revenge, they are pretty sure they didn’t deserve it. Then they might also retaliate, and then you have a war on your hands. Forgiveness is a better option. Forgiveness is the best way to get us back to even.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
― Mahatma Gandhi,

What does it mean to forgive? When people truly forgive, they are pledging to give up their right to be offended or hurt. They drop it. You may have heard it said before, “I forgave them, but I will never forget it”. This isn’t true forgiveness.  True forgiveness is when we drop our claim.  That means not remembering…intentionally.

Webster’s dictionary defines forgive as:

  1. To give up resentment of or claim to requital for an insult.
  2. To grant relief from payment.
  3. To cease to feel resentment against an offender.
  4. To pardon one’s enemies.

In the Bible, the Greek word translated forgive in the New Testament is Aphiemi. (af-ee’-ay-mee). It means to send. In various applications it means to send forth. To send away. To yield up. We see this used 147 times in scripture. One notable place is found in 1 John 1:9. Where John writes – If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”
― C.S. Lewis

If we are really dropping our claim, if we are truly sending our offense forth, sending it away and yielding it up, then we will not be holding on to thoughts of it. If we really forgive, we stop bringing it up, or using it as leverage when we’re angry.

When we want to get even, we want restitution. If we can’t get that, we might seek revenge, but if you allow God to work in you, He will give you a heart of forgiveness. Think about it, there was no way we could pay restitution to Him, and thankfully, He didn’t seek revenge.  Instead, He made a way where we could get back to Him when we couldn’t get there for ourselves.  He extended His mercy and grace toward us in Jesus.  He offered us forgiveness.  Through His mercy, He lifted us to a place of peace with Him, where we have no fear of retaliation.  Christ Himself payed our restitution. (Click here to know more.) 1 Peter 2:21 says that Jesus gave us an example that we should follow in His steps.

Instead of getting even, you can forgive. By forgiving, you are showing the mercy that God has given to you.  You are getting back to even with them.  Instead of getting even, we can say you are giving even.

Love you guys! Don’t forget to share.

Art

You are being judged everyday.

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Throughout all my years in school, my favorite class was always art class. It didn’t matter what we were doing in that class, I loved it. I have always demonstrated a certain amount of skill when it came to art class. It was one of those areas where I was really good at it. That’s probably why I enjoyed it so much.

In seventh grade, the young men in my school began being exposed to the Industrial Arts. More classes that involved creating things…I couldn’t get enough. My seventh grade year, we studied metal-shop, wood-shop, plastics & drafting.

I have to say that of those four, I enjoyed drafting the least. I came into it with an expectation that it was going to be easy because I was artistically talented. I was wrong! Old school drafting is about protractors, angles, reading a ruler & accuracy. None of this stuff existed to any great degree in art class. It was here that I realized that I was in trouble, but it was also here that I learned a very important lesson that still influences me on a daily basis.

It all began when we had to draw our first mechanical drawing.  It was a three dimensional shape. I turned my project in to be graded and when I got it back, all the corners of my drawing, where the lines intersected, were circled with a red pen. I don’t remember getting a very good grade, and I was kind of disappointed. I should be good at this!  The reason for they were circled was because they extended beyond the intersection. When done right, they should terminate at the intersection. That marked the beginning of my education about Craftsmanship.

Mech drawing error

Craftsmanship
The skill involved in making something beautiful, or practical using your hands.
The beautiful or impressive quality of something that has been made using a lot of skill. (Macmillan Dictionary)

I bring this up because there are tons of people who are unsatisfied in their job, or in the direction their career may be going. When we get unsatisfied, or start to think that what we’re doing doesn’t matter, the quality of our work might begin to slip.  Maybe you were laid off when the economy went south, and now the job you have is a long way away from your dream job. Maybe you see this job as stop-gap job until you can get a “real” job. Because of that, you lack the drive or character to do your best.

Sadly, most people live their lives event to event. They are constantly pushing toward events where they think happiness will be. They see all this time in between those events as less significant or even meaningless. Living event to event actually pushes happiness to the horizon, where it can only be achieved at the next event. The truth is that these moments between events are moments of your life passing by. What you do in these moments matters. You can find fulfillment in these moments too.

I heard a story once about a father that assigned a chore to his son and left the son to do it. When the father came back, the son had finished the task but had done a very poor job of it. The father looked over the project and then looked at his son and said “People are going to assume they know the kind of man you are, by the kind of work you do.” His point was clear. Craftsmanship has a voice and it speaks.  Opinions are being formed about us based on what we do.

Think about the last time you were in a restaurant or a store and a person gave you poor service. What were your thoughts? Did you make assumptions about that employee based on the poor quality of their service? While we don’t necessarily think these people are mean spirited or menaces to society, we might think of them as lazy, arrogant or self centered.  We’re judging them based on their work.

In the same way, we are also being judged by the quality of our work.  What message is your work sending?

What’s the take away here?

Even if you don’t think your job is significant, even if you don’t feel like it’s your calling, you can still have integrity and strength of character to do your best at it anyway. Put your signature in your work, moment by moment, by doing your best in every moment.

Eph 6:5-8 Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ; Not with eye-service, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men: Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free.

Honor Thy Father…

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As I publish this, today is Father’s Day.

If your dad is still with you and you have a strong relationship with him, today is probably a big day for you both. For your dad because his children, and maybe even his spouse are taking special occasion to show him what he means to them. For you as the child because you get to express your heart & openly appreciate the man who made such a difference in your life.

If you had a strong relationship with your dad but he’s not with you anymore, you can remember, love, miss, reflect & honor his memory today.

A lot of us, (and I mean A LOT!), may find ourselves today with a problem. We’re not sure what to do about Father’s day. Maybe your dad walked away from your life and you two don’t have any contact. Something happened that put a wall right down the middle of your relationship and now you don’t talk. What do you do with today?

Some people I know have used this as another occasion to honor mom. One person I know posted on social media “Happy Father’s Day because you had to be both. To the best Mom ever. I Love You!!”

While I have strong convictions about it, this week I just want to ask you a question.

Do you think we are “off the hook” when it comes to honoring a father who walked away?

I really want to hear what you think. I think this is worth having a conversation.

Art