Category Archives: Personal Growth

Hard Knocks University. What’s Your Major?

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“The school of hard knocks”.  We’ve all heard that phrase.  I’ve been hearing it most of my life.  I might have even said it.  Usually when we hear it, someone is referring to the lessons that they have learned by suffering through negative situations in their life.  It often occurs when you ignor sound advice and life gives you a good spanking.  I think I can safely say that we’ve all experienced THAT!

“The school of hard knocks” is a phrase coined by Elbert Hubbard.  According to a verified statement on Wikipedia, He used the phrase 1st in an article he wrote about himself in 1902.

“So that is how I got my education, such as it is. I am a graduate of the University of Hard Knocks, and I’ve taken several postgraduate courses.”  Elbert Hubbard.

I can not count the times in my own life, especially as a teen, you know, back when I knew everything, that I broke the rules, ignored sound advice, maybe even a law or two and ended up suffering for it.  Maybe even bleeding a little in the process.  I don’t know if this is true for everyone, but there was a time in my life that, even though I knew things were wrong, I wanted to test the water for myself.  I wanted to see how far I could take it.  This may happen with teenage boys more than anyone.  As a dad, this is where I get a lot of my sage advice.  I have real life experience as to why some things are stupid and shouldn’t be messed with.  Unfortunately, we as parents don’t want to tell our kids WHY we know what we know.  That would put the “But you did it!?!” argument in play.

Sunflower Mom told you quote

Anyone who has been on planet Earth for any length of time at all has had life take a swing at them. Suffering doesn’t always mean you made a bad decision. Often we will be the victims of the fallout of someone else’s bad judgment.  Difficulties come though, and we will all have to contend with tragedy, suffering, crazy people and the results of our own bad ideas.   The important thing is that there will be a lesson in each one of them.  The wise will learn the lesson and be better for it. When the same thing starts to happen in the future, the wise will see it coming and be able to navigate appropriately.  The fool on the other hand will not see it coming because they didn’t learn the lesson. They will get kicked again and wonder why their life is so hard.

The entire 4th chapter of the book of Proverbs is about inclining your ear to wisdom.  I encourage you to read it in many different translations.  It will help you.  The part that stands out the most to me begins is verse 20.

Pro 4:20 My son, give attention to my words; let your ear be turned to my sayings. 21 Let them not go from your eyes; keep them deep in your heart. 22 For they are life to him who gets them, and strength to all his flesh. 23 And keep watch over your heart with all care; so you will have life. 24 Put away from you an evil tongue, and let false lips be far from you.  25 Keep your eyes on what is in front of you, looking straight before you.  26 Keep a watch on your behaviour; let all your ways be rightly ordered.  27 Let there be no turning to the right or to the left, keep your feet from evil. (BBE version)

Recently I read a comment that nailed it concerning this.  It was essentially this: A wise man learns from his mistakes.  The wisest of men learn from the mistakes of others.  When it comes to the school of hard knocks:

  • Learn from your mistakes.  In each situation there’s a lesson.  The wise will search it out and learn it.
  • Apply it.  I’ve heard wisdom defined as the “Skillful application of knowledge”.  I like that.  Wisdom is knowledge applied.  You can’t be wise in an area where you have no understanding. Once you’ve got the lesson though, use it!
  • Learn from the mistakes of others.  This is excellent advice.  When you apply your heart to find wisdom, you can see the lessons all around you.  There’s no rule that says YOU have to be the one to take the beating.  You can let fools do that and you can learn from their mistake.
  • Help others when they ask for it.  Notice I didn’t say when they need it.  The truth is that even if someone needs your advice, if they don’t want it, they will not receive it.  You have to make certain that YOU have the position in their life to speak to them about certain things.  There are people in my life that probably see things in me that they may have deeper understanding about, but they are not close enough to me and don’t have the position to speak to me about them.  The wise understand this and don’t force things.  Sometimes all you can do is stand at the ready and pray for people.  Maybe God will open an opportunity for you to advise them.  If not, then just keep your pearls to yourself.  Do you realize that even God is limited by what we will receive?  He can not help us based on what we need.  He has the power and the desire to fix our stuff but He’s completely limited by our own faith.  He can only help us as we have the faith to receive His help.  He will not force anything on us.  In like manner, you shouldn’t force your stuff on others.
To make no mistake is not in the power of man; but from their errors and mistakes the wise and good learn wisdom for the future. – Plutarch

Sadly, the only real diploma from the University of Hard Knocks is a death certificate.  If your faith is in Jesus Christ, then that will be a time of great joy.  If it’s not, CLICK HERE.  The little you’ve been faithful over will then be turned into much.  Just remember, in the school of hard knock you can learn without taking the beatings for yourself.  Apply your heart to wisdom and your life will be better and your suffering will be less.

What’s one lesson you learned from the school of Hard Knocks?  The floor is yours.  Please leave a comment and share your wisdom.  If this is helpful to you, feel free to share.

Marriage to enjoy, or endure. The choice is yours.

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I don’t drive with the radio on very often.  When I’m in the car I’m very often praying.  A few months ago while I was driving to work I was meditating of the mercy of God.  It was quiet in the car and I wasn’t making any noise, I was just thinking about how merciful the Lord is and how faithful He is to show mercy.  All of the sudden, the Lord began to deal with my heart about my marriage.  I have a good marriage and I pay attention to the kind of husband I am.  Sometimes though, we get lazy in our thinking and just assume that it’s ok.  Our marriage is the backdrop for our lives and always running in the background – sometimes being ignored.  A good marriage takes intentional thinking though, and I was not being intentional about it that often.  The Lord impressed upon me that my wife had not made a plan B.  Our marriage was it.  Her happiness and fulfillment were in my very hands.  I can not be 100% responsible for her being happy or fulfilled but I could be 100% responsible if she wasn’t.  I need to build & keep an environment of love and protection around her so that she can grow to find her own happiness & fulfillment.  I was being shown that I need to be watchful that I don’t make her suffer for choosing me.  If she was going to be truly happy & reach her full potential in this life, I was going to be a part of it.  I realized more clearly in that moment that if I wasn’t intentional with the way I treated her, I could give her a life that instead of loving and enjoying, she would have to just endure.  It woke me up.

linked fingers

I love my wife and want the very best for her always.  When the Lord deals with me like that, I really take it seriously.    God doesn’t just have a plan for my life.  He has a plan for her life too.  His plan for me and my wife will be intertwined and it will be much easier for both of us to make it to our full potential if we are both in our place and following the Lord’s plan for us.  God cares as much for her and my children as He does for me.  We are all on equal footing when we approach Him.  God has no grandchildren.

God’s instruction to us as husbands in Ephesians 5:25 is to love our wives as Christ loves the church.  How did Christ show his love to the church?  He gave himself for it.  We as husbands need to have this attitude in our marriage.  I like the words that Paul the Apostle used in 2 Corinthians 12:15 when he said “And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you, though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved”.  Our love to our wife is a gift we must give.  She can’t take it, it must be given.  We need to have a “very gladly spend and be spent” attitude when it comes to her.  One last thing.  You need to consider yourself the bottom line in your relationship with your wife.  Don’t wait for her to satisfy all of your needs before you even try to make her happy.  You do your part now,  you do your part continually and you do your part no matter what!

The “Do What’s Right” 4 Step Action Plan.

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Say this sentence out loud.  The bad behavior of others does not excuse me from doing what I know is right.  Consider writing that on a post it note and sticking it on your bathroom mirror so you can read it while you brush your teeth.  Better yet, print this out. pouting lipsThere have been many times in my life when I have used the behavior of others as an excuse to slip below my own standards and act out too.  Was I right?  Absolutely not.  I may have thought I was at the time though.  Surely anyone looking at my situation would agree, I had the right to act the way I did.  Poor me!

This thinking comes from a specific mind set. 

A victim mentality.  “I can’t help acting this way, look at how they treated me!” (Bottom lip sticking out).  That statement is not true though.  We can ALWAYS help it.  I like the illustration Rev. Keith Moore uses.  A man who habitually beats his wife says “I just can’t help it! I get so angry I just lose it”, but when you set him next to a 350 lb. line backer who can break him in half if he gets violent, some how the wife beater will find the strength to restrain himself.  This is true with all of us.  We don’t have to act from our feelings.

The bad behavior of others does not excuse me from doing what I know is right.

When people judge you unjustly, speak evil of you or are generally mean spirited, it never feels good! Ever! No one likes it when that happens.  But the true test of a person’s strength and character is found when they stand up and do what’s right even when every feeling in them is shouting for justice or revenge.

Supernatural forgiveness

Jesus when he was being crucified said “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).  He was responding from mercy even when they were doing the absolute worst and most hurtful thing they could do to him.  You may say “Yeah, but that’s Jesus! He’s the son of God”.  There was another man in the bible named Stephen who in Acts 7 preached a message that when the Jews heard it, made them so mad that they screamed, stopped up their ears so that they couldn’t hear anymore, took him out of the city and stoned him.  Verse 60 says that even while he was being stoned, he kneeled down and cried with a loud voice, “Lord, lay not this sin to their charge” right before he died.  This was a regular Christian guy like you and me.  Even when his very life was being taken away, he responded from mercy. Hebrews 12:4 says that you and I have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin.  Verses 1-3 (WEB) say this and I find this so encouraging – “Therefore let us also, seeing we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking to Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising its shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such contradiction of sinners against Himself, that you don’t grow weary, fainting in your souls”.

Consider what that is saying. 

Jesus was drawn through the very suffering of the cross and all of the things that followed it for the next three days in the heart of the earth.  Drawing the FULL STING of Death, Hell and the Grave.  Death, Hell and the Grave kept nothing back!  All that it had was fully spent on Him.  We get a little preview in Psalm 22:12-15. Why did He do it?  “Who for the joy that was set before Him…”  Us redeemed.  That’s what drew Him through the suffering.  It meant more to Him than the pain or the shame.  The word despising here is interpreted to think against or to think down.  Jesus was doing what Paul the Apostle admonishes us to do in 2 Corinthians 10:5. “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ”. Imagine though what would have happened if Jesus had responded badly based on how everyone was treating Him?  The earth would just be a black cinder floating in space.  Aren’t you glad He didn’t.

What’s the take-away here? 

  1. Make a decision that you will do what’s right.  Make this decision in advance.
  2. Build your life while you’re strong to carry you through when you’re weak.  Ask God for wisdom for this. It would be sheer foolishness to think that you will not be tested on this.  You need to look at situations and occasions when you behaved badly in response to someone else’s bad behavior.  Ask yourself what you could do that would give you a way out of that situation without losing control.  Now implement a strategy to carry you when you need it most.
  3. Find the Joy.  God knows what buttons to push in you to motivate and help you.  Ask Him for help.  He will put a joy in front of you that will draw you through the difficulty.  Philippians 2:13 says that God will work in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure.
  4. Maintain your thought life.  Thoughts will come.  They always do.  We need to cast them down.  You don’t fight thoughts with thoughts, you fight thoughts with words.  When the thoughts come and you are tempted to yield to self pity and begin feeling like a victim, open your mouth and begin to thank God for all the good things He has done for you.  You will not be able to think about the negative stuff while your brain & mouth are engaged speaking about the positive stuff. Philippians 4:6-9 (WEB) says “In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known go God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honorable, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS.  The things which you learned, received, heard, and saw in me: do these things, and the God of peace will be with you”.

Plan of Action.

What steps can you take today to help you when you are getting to close to the your red line? One of the things you can do is to meditate on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 every day.  Here’s a link to a downloadable PDF of it from the amplified Bible that has be modified for first person confession. Print this out & carry a copy with you.  I have one next to my computer monitor in my office as well as on my mirror at home.

How have you been victorious in this area?  Join the conversation and leave a comment. Your comments could be the encouragement that someone else needs to hear.

Victors, Victims & Forgiveness

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I wanted to write about forgiveness in the blog post this week.  My problem was that I had this big ugly area in my life where I was holding onto a little bit of a grudge. I had to get it resolved so that I wasn’t being a total hypocrite when I talked to you about forgiveness.  That’s right, I’m just like you.  I face it too.  I also get the wonderful opportunities to wallow in my own self pity.  The thing is though, when you know what to do, God expects you to do what you know.  Have you ever thought about it?  Not doing what you know to do is really just increasing your disobedience to God.  There’s a short word for that, it’s called sin.  This is the reason why I’m publishing late. For those who look for my posts and miss them when they don’t show, I’m sorry.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is releasing someone from debt.  It may be that you were hurt physically from an act of violence or you were hurt emotionally by mean or inconsiderate people. You may actually have a monetary debt that you owe.  Either way you look at it, forgiveness is always tied to debt.  There can be no forgiveness if nothing is owed.

Let’s look at the word “Owe” for a second.  Owe is something that is either earned or comes through entitlement. It’s owed to them, it’s a debt.  This is especially true in the area of respect.  There are some people that we should respect just purely based on their position.  If we can’t respect them, we need to at least respect the position.  This is owed.  It’s due and it should be paid.  If you consider what I wrote about last week about unfulfilled expectations, there are things that we think are owed us but are not.  We think we deserve them but we don’t.  It’s a slippery slope when you start thinking about what you deserve, or you have expectations that you have no right to have.  You need to have a close look at yourself & be honest.  Is it really owed to me?

Forgiveness happens when we release people from the obligation of paying the debt.  We let them off the hook.  Matt. 6:15 says “But if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”.  Forgiveness for the Christian is not an option.  There is no condition found in the Bible where it’s okay to hang onto unforgiveness.  We see and interesting story in Matthew 18:23-35.  The bottom line of the story is that if the Heavenly Father can forgive what He has forgiven, He’s within His right to expect us to forgive also.

Forgiveness is all about you.  All of the control and responsibility of forgiveness totally rests in your hands.  No one else can do this for you.  If you won’t do it, it won’t get done.  Here are some things that helped me to do the right thing this week.

  1. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  When I hold a grudge, it’s not hurting the person I’m upset with nearly as much as it’s hurting me.  When I forgive, I’m really allowing myself to move on and have some peace.
  2. It always involves making a choice.  Forgiveness always follows the choice to forgive.  I read somewhere this week that when a person says “I can forgive but I can’t forget”, what they are really saying is “I won’t forgive”.  Very often unforgiveness is the very thing that’s keeping you from being able to move forward.  In order to get better, you need to release the debt.
  3. Forgiveness takes away your victim status.  When you are hurt and have not forgiven, you get to be pitiful and feel sorry for yourself.  Don’t be deceived though, that’s weakness.  Strong people don’t feel sorry for themselves.  If you are tired of being a victim and want to take control of your own direction in your life, then you need to stop reacting to what others are doing to you and instead decide how your will respond.  Acting from an decision is way better than acting from an injury.  You are also saying that though this may hurt, it will not be the determining factor in what you do next.  That will come from you and you alone.  Forgiveness is really one of the first steps toward becoming strong.  By forgiving, you are breaking the yoke off of your own neck and taking away the problem or injury’s control over you.

It would be unjust for God to require something from you that you are unable to do.  Since He gives us no options when it comes to forgiveness, we know that:

  1. We can do it.  He would not ask if it were impossible.
  2. It’s important that we do it.  What many people don’t realize is the spiritual implications of not walking in forgiveness.  If you won’t forgive, God can’t forgive you.

“Accept important apologies you never received.  If you love someone and you want to forgive them, Relieve them of the need to apologize to you, for anything.”  www.marcandangel.com

So what now?  I issue this challenge.  In the next 30 days, take at least two practical steps toward resolving unforgiveness in your own life.  There are people who have hurt you or owe you somehow, find a way to let them off the hook.  In the long run you’ll be glad you did.  God’s way is always the best.  What are some practical ways to demonstrate forgiveness?  Let me hear your thoughts by leaving a comment.

Overcoming Regret & Unfulfilled Expectations.

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I was thinking of a minister I saw on Christian television several years ago.  I don’t remember his name, but he was relating the story of attending his dad’s funeral.  This minister’s dad was estranged from the family and had nothing to do with his children.  This minister confessed that as he was sitting there in the service, he began to cry.  The Holy Spirit prompted his heart as if to ask “Why are you crying?”  This man shared that he was crying because there was no relationship, but there was supposed to be.  There was no fellowship but there was supposed to be.  His father should have been a good part of his life but now he was gone and so were the chances that it would ever happen.  This is the cry of the heart for everyone that has a broken relationship with their dad or mom.  This used to bother me quite a bit.  What if we never get it fixed?

This minister began to share how the Lord ministered to his heart.  The Lord showed him that all of the “Would have, Should have, Could have” that he was mourning over actually only existed in him.  What it really amounted to was this: he had unfulfilled expectations of his father.  He had an image in his mind of what he believed makes up a good father, and his dad fell short in every area.  There were a lot of things that he thought should have been and a lot of things that could have happened if only his dad would have done things differently.

expectations-danger-signNo one is supposed to love you like your mom & dad.  They are supposed to be there when everyone else blows away.  Right?  We suppose that when things get weird, they will have our back.  While that may be the standard for what we ultimately expect from mom & dad, reality tells a different story.  According to a 2012 article by Luke Rosiak, published in the Washington Times, 1 in 3 U.S. children live with out a father, and nearly 5 million live without a mother.  In 1960, just 11 percent lived without a father and in 2012 it’s at 33 percent!

While it hurts to watch your parents turn against one another and blow up your family, it’s a special kind of suck when one of your parents leaves and virtually kicks you to the curb, never having anything to do with you again.  Having suffered through that, I have a special place in my heart for those I see suffering through it too.  That’s one of the reasons this website & blog came to be.  God has helped me beyond measure to grow, cope & ultimately become strong in spite of being left twisting in the breeze. Now He wants to use me to help you.

This minister’s story helped me because:

  • I realized that I wasn’t alone in this.  Others had faced the same issues.  My suffering was not unique and there were others who had been down that same road, and knew what I felt and could help me.
  • I need to respond to reality, not my unfulfilled expectations. Deal with what was, not what wasn’t.
  • It’s not that we want our moms & dads to be great moms & dads, we want them to WANT TO be great moms & dads.  It’s hard to understand when they don’t WANT TO.
  • I began to realize that the pain was coming from me not him.  When I realized that, I was able to get a better perspective about things.
  • I decided to stop expecting anything.  I try not to put any burden or expectation on my mom & dad.  I just want to love and honor them.  I am just grateful for what they have given me and I take full responsibility to do all that I can to be a good son.  One that doesn’t cause shame but instead causes the light of honor to shine on them.
  • Shortcomings on their part do not justify shortcomings on my part.  I will no longer allow myself to use this as an excuse to be less than I know I should be. I will do what I know to do even if I’m the only one doing it.

Will we ever get it fixed?  I don’t know.  I take my part seriously and will do all I can to be a good son.  I will continue to honor my dad and take all available opportunities to tell him so.  I have this confidence that once we both pass into eternity, it will all be made right.  If need be, I can endure until then.

There are few things in life that can hurt more than a parent’s rejection.  Has this happened to you?  How did you cope?  Join the community and the conversation. Please leave a comment.  Your comments can minister to someone else.  If this helped you or you think you know someone it could help, please share it.

These Five Things Will Unlock Your Greatness At Work.

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After nearly a year of working very hard to keep up with an ever-growing workload in my department, I was able to hire a new estimator.  We are all very glad to have her.  We know she is going to be an excellent addition to our department.  I began the search for our new person quite a while ago, and while going through resumes I began to give serious thought to not only what we wanted, but what we had to have in our new associate.  We wanted someone good.  That sounds over-simplified when I say it like that but it made me think in terms of my own employment history.  In my experience, what makes a good employee?

office imageI am amazed at what a small team of dedicated people can accomplish when they are all pulling in the same direction and when they all have a real passion for what they are doing.  I have had the privilege of being part of a small start-up company many years ago.  There were just a few of us.  I remember times of being at work for 31 hours straight.  Those first days I remember climbing over unpacked pallets of supplies trying to find the things I needed to accomplish the job.  The general mindset was that we could do it! We could make it work, but that if it was going to work and be successful, it was because we made it work.  These were challenging, rewarding & fun days (and nights) at work.  The air was just thick with purpose and everyone was breathing it.

What usually happens as a company grows is that in order to be efficient and profitable, standard operating procedures will be implemented.  These will help to streamline and unify the way everyone does their job so that the company can yield consistent results.  This is very important.  Great reputation and corporate good will are built on the foundation of quality and consistency.

Associates that find themselves in larger companies might find it harder to find the passion in what they do.  When your job consists of putting these nine nuts on those nine bolts before the piece moves to the next assembly line station, you may find it hard to get excited about your contribution or think that what you are doing matters.  As a result, you may find yourself just showing up, and just putting in the minimum effort to keep your job. You may be just enduring your work, barely able to make it to quitting time everyday and Sunday night is the worst time of your entire week.  It can be very challenging.  Let me just say this – a good job is always worth doing.

Bobby Unser
Desire! That’s the one secret of every man’s career. Not education. Not being born with hidden talents. Desire.

A good leader will try to build a vision into their associates and to communicate the big picture. Letting them see why their job is important, but you don’t have to wait for someone else.  You can stir yourself up and take steps to improve your situation now, on your own.

These things will help you connect with your purpose and become great at your job.

  1. Consider the end.  Who are you helping?  When I spend time thinking about some of our clients and why they are coming to us in the first place, it helps me find my purpose.  I believe in the work that some of our clients are doing. I can get my heart behind it.  Find a reason to get your heart behind what you do, then you will be self motivated.
  2. Solve problems.  One of the most important things my supervisors have looked for over the years is that they want employees that are problem solvers.  Let me clarify.  The reason I’m there in the first place is because they have a problem.  They have more of this specific work to do than they can do. I was hired to help solve that problem.  I can solve that problem at the minimum expectation or I can really invest myself and be remarkable and look for other problems to solve too.
  3. Don’t create problems.  I have yet to meet someone in the work place who has never made a mistake.  This isn’t what I’m talking about.  There are some associates that I have observed over the years that have personality traits that have consistently resulted in problems.  Norwood Bishop was the instructor for a class I took in Bible School called People Skills.  One of the things he said that stuck with me was that 99% of people that are hired are hired because of their ability to do the job or their ability to be trained.  85% of those people that are fired from the same job were fired because they couldn’t get along with people they worked with.
  4. Be correctable.  People who can’t take correction are arrogant and full of pride.  I have seen people defend behavior that they knew was wrong because they couldn’t admit that they were wrong.  Have you ever met anyone who was more interested in being right than in keeping friends?  I think we all have.  Being teachable goes a long way toward also giving you favor.  People like to help the humble. You don’t know it all and will not be right every time.  Be open to being corrected.  Think about it.  Correction means improvement.  You will be better because of it.
  5. Be Faithful.  Proverbs 25:19 says “Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a broken tooth, and a foot out of joint”.  Think about what that’s saying!  Have you ever had a sprained ankle or a broken bone in your foot?  You have two feet but one of them is totally useless.  It can’t hold any of the weight that you need for it to hold.  It slows you down in every way.  You can’t even put your pants on normally.  You have to move slowly around the trouble area.  A broken or abscessed tooth is the same way. You have a tooth but it can’t do any of the tooth duties that you need it to do.  It would be better not to have a sore tooth at all than to have one there and to cause massive discomfort in your whole mouth by using it.  This is what an unfaithful associate is like.  In some cases, it would be better if they weren’t there.  At least you would not be trusting them and then get left twisting in the wind.  Have you ever received help that actually became a “Do Over”?  There are some people who help best when they help somewhere else.

This is not a complete list.  These are just things that I have noticed in my years in the workforce that I have personally tried to build into myself and they have served me well.  I promise you.  If you incorporate these 5 things into your life, it will pay off for you in the long run and you’ll be happier and a better ambassador for Christ on the job. You will be the employee known for your spirit of excellence.

Dale Carnegie
Are you bored with life? Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all your heart, live for it, die for it, and you will find happiness that you had thought could never be yours.

What things do you value in the people you work with?  What things have you brought to your job that make you great?  Please join the conversation & leave a comment.

If this has been helpful and you think it can help someone else, please share it.

When it comes to people, are you hindering your own progress?

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I have had different people over the years that have had a profound affect on me. There have been times when people have spoken things either in a public forum or directly to me that have been just what I needed to hear at the time. When this sort of thing happens to you, you become grateful and when you get an opportunity, you want to shake their hand and thank them for the influence they have had on you.  I don’t know how many times though, I have approached some of these people and then walked away wishing I hadn’t even tried? They were cold and unengaged and sometimes they were outright rude. Have you ever experienced this?  Walking away wishing you hadn’t even made the effort?  I have gone to people with the good intention of being gracious and thankful and walked away thinking to myself “I’m going to have to pray for a long time to get past this”.

Dog feeding lamb

During my first term in bible school I had a class called Spiritual Growth Principles. Besides teaching classes in the school, my instructor for that class is also the National Director of ministerial association connected with the school and the director of the alumni association.  He’s a busy guy.  He goes by Brother Doug.  The first day of class Brother Doug was there early and began working his way around the room. He shook hands with, introduced himself to, and asked everyone in the room their name. There were over 200 students in that class. He then admonished all of us to introduce ourselves to the people around us. His comment was “You’re going to school to go into the ministry but don’t care enough about the people around you to introduce yourself?”. This marked me. If we really do care about people, we need to take this to heart.

The summer between my 1st & 2nd year of bible school, my hometown pastor became sick and died. Brother Doug called me on my cell phone during my lunch hour at work.  I’m not sure where he got my number. He called to let me know what had happened as he had been in contact with my hometown pastor & his family. Brother Doug gave me his cell phone number and invited me to call him if I needed anything. I never called but I was grateful for the invitation. Please understand, I’m not trying to glorify Doug Jones.  My point is that he REALLY cares about people. He has thousands of people contacting him but he took time to help one.  He’s not interested in building fame. He’s interested in what the Father is interested in. The sheep.

Jeff Goins is the author of the book Wrecked – When a broken world slams into your comfortable life as well as several e-books and articles. He’s also a blogger & entrepreneur that I follow and I have found him very insightful. According to Allwebsitestats.nl, Jeff’s website goinswriter.com has over 500,000 visitors per month with over 900,000 page views. I’m pointing all of this out because when I reached out to Jeff through Twitter with a question that had been bothering me for a while, Jeff not only answered my question, but started following me on Twitter and wrote a blog post about the subject I asked about. Apparently I wasn’t the only one struggling with that issue. Since I have been following Jeff, he has consistently demonstrated that he cares about people, wants to help them and works to add value in others.

On the other hand, I have reached out to people who I respected and told them how much they helped me only to get absolutely no response at all….just crickets.  I remember one time being really disappointed and thinking “Wow! I’m not important enough to even acknowledge”.  Now I understand that a public figure can have a large number of people trying to reach out to them and I think it could possibly feel over-whelming.  That day though, they hurt their ability to reach into my life by not responding.

That’s my point really.  People are important.  They are important to God.  They should be important to us.  People are the reason Jesus came, died, rose from the dead and is now seated at God’s right hand.  It was God’s love for people that brought about His entire plan.  How you and I treat others now has a direct effect on whether we can affectively help them in the future.  What we say and how we say it will either open them up to receive or close them down to reject our help and our message. Proverbs 16:21  says “The wise in heart shall be called prudent: and the sweetness of the lips increases learning”.  The way you speak to and treat people will determine how much or little you will be heard.  It all comes down to trust.  If I were to state on my social media profile “I love people” but then I ruin my ability to help or influence you because of my actions and bad behavior, I am sending two completely different messages.  The one you have to believe is the one that’s reflected by the fruit (Mat 7:16 & 20).  Many people hurt their own credibility by how they act toward others.

mother_teresa_photoWe all have a tendency to hear this stuff and immediately think of someone we know who could stand to hear it.  I really want you to have a look at yourself though.  You’re the only one you can control and change.  Are you valuing and helping others or are you hindering your own ability to reach into their lives and help them?  What can you change in your responses to others that would create a better outcome?

I really want to just encourage you to take a honest look at how you see others.  Are they “Those creepy people who wont leave me alone”? or do you see them as valuable and worthy of your time and attention?  Are there people you know you should be helping that you aren’t?  How can you step it up and be more effective?

Please join the conversation by leaving a comment.  I look forward to our discussions.  Also – If you think this can help someone, please share or forward it.

 

 

Where have all the fathers gone?

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tears1A few years ago I was at a funeral visitation.  There was a young lady there who I know pretty well and she’s dear to my heart.  Her parents had divorced many years ago and both had remarried and she grew up living with her mom & step dad.  She had never really had a strong relationship with her real dad.  While he had always lived nearby, he was never around and didn’t really have an active part in her life.  At this visitation, both of her parents and their families were there.  She went up to her dad to say hi and hopefully have a conversation.  All she got from him was a “Hey” and that was it…for the whole night.  He didn’t get up to hug her or make any attempt to have a conversation or show kindness toward her at all.  I spoke with her briefly about it and tears welled up in her eyes.  She couldn’t understand why.  That night was just one of many disappointing times in her life where she just couldn’t understand why.

Dads!  Don’t do this to your kids!  There is no acceptable excuse for it.  When you became a dad, one of your primary jobs became getting that child to adulthood sufficiently equipped to handle it and your job is too important for you to blow off so easily.  If you care about your children then stop being lazy and make a change.

Be there. In study after study, kids consistently say they would like to have more time with their dads. Regardless of whether a dad shares a home with the children and their mother, the kids need dad time. Working together on a chore or simply hanging out can be as meaningful as attending events or having adventures. Kids want to know their fathers. Just as important, they want their fathers to know them.

– See more at: http://www.fathersforgood.org/ffg/en/fathers_essential/whats_dad.html#sthash.bu8AHG5W.dpuf

Some of you may want to but are afraid that it may be too late.  Too much water has gone under the bridge and you can’t recover the broken relationship.  Bull!  As long as you both have a breath and a heartbeat there’s still hope.  Even if you meet resistance, your child is still worth pursuing and that relationship worth building.  You may think that they are doing alright without you but that’s deception.  If you are really interested in loving and helping them, they will greatly benefit from you being there and what you have to offer.  If your son or daughter has become VERY hard hearted because of your absence, you as a father should be prepared to spend the rest of your life trying to make it right and rebuild that relationship.  That is the commitment of a real father; the rest of your life.

Don’t wait for them.  Your kids may be grown up but when it comes to you, in their mind and in the relationship they have with you, they will always be your children.  You be the adult and make the first move.  Too many dads are forcing their sons and daughters to be the mature ones instead of standing up and taking personal responsibility for the broken relationship that their absence has created.  Enough.  No excuses. Make it right.

“My new wife doesn’t want the kids from my previous marriage around”.  While this situation will create a difficulty for you, this should have been settled before you remarried.  This argument will not hold water when you stand before your creator and give account.  When we look at the scripture, we see that the marriage covenant is over when one of the covenant partners dies (Rom 7:2-3).  With the relationship between parents and children though, they are honored and recognized in heaven forever.  Your children will be your children forever. It Not just here on earth.  That’s why when a child is commanded to honor their father and mother, it doesn’t stop when the parents have passed away.  The commandment to honor them will endure for eternity.  In the King James Bible the word Heritage is mentioned 30 times.  Below is the Strong’s Hebrew definition of the most common tense.  It illustrates how important it is to God that we pass on good things to our children, and not just material things but also wisdom and understanding.  You can’t do that if you’re not there.

Heritage = H5159 (Strong’s)

נחלה      nachălâh   nakh-al-aw’    From H5157 (in its usual sense); properly something inherited, that is, (abstractly) occupancy, or (concretely) an heirloom; generally an estate, patrimony or portion: – heritage, to inherit, inheritance, possession.

Carrina & DadWhen I became a father, I established in my heart that one of my highest priorities was to be a godly father.  I realized that there were things in me that I needed to get out of me, because if I didn’t they would probably get into my daughters.  My fatherly example was gone when I was young so I went to God for guidance.  He in His faithfulness hooked me up with wonderful examples that I could observe and learn from.  My daughters are both adults now but I’m still their dad.  I told my children that even when they are older, If I see them heading toward disaster, I will still use all of my position and influence to change their course.  I don’t care how old they are.  That’s my commitment to them as their father.  And they, because they honor me, will at least hear my argument. I have endeavored to build strong relationships of trust and to demonstrate to them every day that I am on their side.

Sons & daughters.  When your dad reaches out, give him the chance.  Even though you may be absolutely “done” with him, when all the world is quiet and you are alone on your bed, you still wish things could be different.  Deep down you really do want a strong relationship with your dad.  If you have a chance to have what you want, don’t be stupid and destroy that chance.  Be open and realize that they are scared too.

I know many of you can relate to this post.  Have you had or have you witnessed a victory in this area?  Please join the conversation.  Also, If you think this would minister to someone, please share.

Dads – Life is too short for this. We need each other.  Somebody make a move!

 

 

Your First Step On The Road To Success

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I want to talk to the guy who’s hearts desire is to open his own transmission shop but he’s stuck working in retail.  I want to talk to the woman who’s hearts desire has always been to open a soup kitchen for the down and out but who’s just retired from manufacturing.  I want to talk to the loan assistant who’s days are filled with stress but her heart beats for the people of Kenya.  I want to talk to the corporate manager who’s dream is to help people take steps of faith.  I want to talk to you.

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What are you passionate about?  When you think about your future and where you want to go, what do you see?  Is it different than where you ARE going?  When you look at yourself, what do you want to become?  Is it different than what you ARE becoming?  What are you doing about it?

I have had to ask myself those same questions.   Then I forced myself to answer them with brutal honesty.  The truth is:

  • I was waiting for someone to give me permission to make my dream come true.
  • I was waiting for someone else to care about my dream.
  • I was waiting for someone else to give me the roadmap to my dream.
  • I was waiting for someone else who knew more than I did to help me.

In all these things we see two things.  #1. I was waiting.  #2. Someone else had the keys to my dream.  In my mind, I couldn’t move forward because I didn’t have what it took to succeed.  I needed someone who knew how to get there to become interested in what I was doing & help me.  With this thinking, my dream was going to be forever out of my reach.  Why?  Because that other person, who could do all of those things, was busy making their own dream come true.

I want you to take a serious look at your dream.  What one thing can you do that would give you forward motion?  Identify one thing.  It’s probably not going to be some huge thing, but isolate just one thing that will get your dream moving.  Make it something that you actually have the ability to do for yourself, and make it something that you can do now!  Every journey begins with the first step.  Most of them are small.  It takes the first step to get to the second step.  Sometimes you can’t even see step two until you’ve taken step one, but I promise, it’s there.   Step one has to be first.  Are you ready to take it?

Make up your mind in the beginning to not allow yourself to be discouraged by the small steps.  Everyone starts at the same place.  No one is born with lots of customers.  No one is born with lots of influence.  Everyone gets to start with one customer.  One listener. One faithful supporter – and it’s usually mom.  Let your vision and your dream be your driving force.  Let it be the reason your feet find the floor every morning.  Draw your strength from the purpose in what you’re doing.

Long before you play to a full house, regardless of what your dream is, you’re going to play to a lot of empty ones.  Don’t quit.  Get your eyes checked and make sure you’ve got selective vision.  See what matters, look beyond what doesn’t.  – Jon Acuff

Give serious thought in the coming days of what needs to happen in order for you to get from here to there.  Form your plan.  Nothing is going to get done unless you make it happen but you will need a plan.  The truth is that there aren’t really any good excuses.  The things you need are available if you want them badly enough.  We are living in an unprecedented time where all of the gatekeepers are gone.  There are so many tools available to every one of us that we can make our dreams come true if we will take the initiative and stop believing the lie that we can’t do it.

A few years back I was listening to a business man talk about one of his endeavors.  He had bought a nursery.  In the same area where his nursery was located there was a well established nursery that was larger and well funded.  He went out and immediately planted 4,000 trees on his property.  in his own words “Now we looked like the 800 lb. gorilla on the block”.  People began to come into his business because he looked like he knew what he was doing.  He had committed to his course and then he pulled out all the stops.  His purpose was to be successful and he didn’t ask anyone else’s permission to go for it.    Are you ready to put your creativity to work & make your dream come true?  Now – Give yourself permission to go for it, then take your first step.  It all begins with that first step.  You need to START.  On your mark, Get set, GO!

 

Getting Hurt & Getting Over it.

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silhouette-female2-e1311003704858We all experience difficult times when dealing with people.  None of us are exempt from getting our feelings hurt.  In some cases the injury can be severe and we wonder how someone could be so inconsiderate.  There are those who it seems care little for the well being of others and knowingly and heartlessly hurt others without remorse.  Sometimes we have to deal with the light sting of getting the cold shoulder by acquaintances, while other times we suffer through deep treachery that comes from the terrible betrayal of loved ones that are close to us.  As I have been thinking about these things, I have come to understand that while none of us are exempt from this, most of us don’t really have an effective and consistent way of handling it when we’re hurt.

There are two questions we need to ask when we’ve been hurt.

  1. Is it my fault?  Was I acting stupidly?  Did I fire off my mouth when I should have been quiet?  Very often we know we shouldn’t say things but our pride gets us wound up and we “just gotta have our say”.  This has gotten more people in more trouble faster than probably any other thing.  I’ve done this more than once and I’m pretty sure you have too.  We knew we should have kept quiet but it started jumping around on the inside of us and rather than exercising self discipline, we yielded to our pride, had our say and ended up needing to be corrected or punished.  Maybe you didn’t control yourself with your spending and now you’re suffering having to cut back severely in order to pay your bills and get out of substantial debt.  These things are foolish and we should expect the suffering we face because of them. A really good example of suffering for your faults is found in King David.  Beginning in II Sam 11:1 we see that when David should have been with his army fighting the enemy, he instead stayed home.  One evening while relaxing on the roof of his house, he saw Bathsheba bathing on the roof of her house.  To shorten the story a little, David wanted her badly and ended up having her husband killed by having him put on the front line fighting and then ordering everyone else to withdraw and leave him standing alone.  The Lord told David through the prophet Nathan “YOU have killed him with the sword of the children of Ammon”.  We have record in the scripture that because of what happened that day, 4 people died and one suffered mentally and never recovered.  Uriah the Hittite died, 3 of David’s children died (the baby, Amnon, and Absalom) and David’s daughter Tamar was never the same.  All because of what started on the roof top.This makes me stop and think.  Sin always brings death.  It may not be instant and severe but our actions really do affect our future.  This is the reason God is against sin.
  2. Was it unjust?  What if you didn’t do anything wrong?  We all face situations where we have done our best, we have been kind, we have walked in love toward individuals and it just didn’t seem to go anywhere. In spite of all our efforts, we still got sideways with them. Joseph is one of the best examples of this.  He was sold into slavery by his brothers. He was then put into prison in Egypt.  Historians believe that Joseph was 17 when he was sold to the Midianites and scripture tells us that he was 30 when he stood before Pharaoh.  We understand then that Joseph suffered unjustly for approximately 13 years.  He never did anything wrong and he still suffered.  You can do all the right things and keep your heart right in every situation and still get your feelings hurt and suffer unjustly.  Don’t be surprised when this happens.

Each of these will need to be handled in its own way.  You can’t deal with one the same way that you would deal with the other.  If you are suffering because of your own faults but are trying to deal with it as if you haven’t done anything wrong, you are out of line.  I know people like this.  Nothing is their fault and they are perpetually victims.  This attitude is not going to help them.  It will keep them stuck and unable to move forward.  If you or I have been a fool and have gotten into trouble, the only real course to move forward is to humble ourselves and take responsibility for the suffering that we are experiencing.

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
– Calvin Coolidge

If you are hurt because you acted foolishly, here is what you can do to move forward.

  1. Say I’m sorry.  Own the problem and ask forgiveness for acting like a fool.  This is humbling yourself.  People will be far more merciful to the humble than to the proud.  When you humble yourself, it brings out the mercy in others most of the time.
  2. Own the consequences.  Don’t try to deflect or blame others.  Own it.  Sometimes the quickest way to get a bad situation behind you is to go through it and not around it.  If you have honor and integrity, you will stand behind your actions and accept the consequences.
  3. Ask God for help.  I remember hearing a man tell of the time when he made a foolish purchase and went into severe debt. He prayed and asked the Lord to help him.  He repented for being foolish and asked the Lord to help him preserve his word and integrity by helping him fulfill his obligation, and to get out from under the debt in a honorable way.  God did just that.  It took him tightening up his financial belt – a lot. It also didn’t happen over night, but God did help him and today he’s no longer in debt.

If you are hurt but you didn’t do anything wrong, here is what you can do to move forward.

  1. Forgive.  If you are experiencing unjust suffering, you must forgive.  I remember a time when some dearly beloved elders that I have served with were mistreated for something that they were not doing wrong.  It was hard to see people as committed and sincere as they were being dishonored and mishandled the way they were.  One man stepped down from serving because of it.  When I asked one of them how they were doing concerning it, their response was simply amazing.  They said, “We forgive them.  We don’t really have a choice about it”.  This is a mature Christian.  The bible says forgive. End of story.
  2. Endure.  In II Tim 2:3, Paul is admonishing Timothy.  He says, “Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ”.   Paul instructed Timothy to endure it because the temptation was going to be to collapse under it.  Paul was reminding Timothy to think like a soldier when it came to the hardship and hurt that he would face. Endure it, shake it off, keep moving forward.  Don’t let hurt stop you from pressing forward and completing the objective.
  3. Don’t be moved.  Don’t stop doing what’s right.  When you are on the right path, persecution will arise.  This is not an “If” but a “When” situation.  Persecutions will come.
    1Th 3:2 And sent Timotheus, our brother, and minister of God, and our fellow laborer in the gospel of Christ, to establish you, and to comfort you concerning your faith: That no man should be moved by these afflictions: for yourselves know that we are appointed thereunto. For verily, when we were with you, we told you before that we should suffer tribulation; even as it came to pass, and ye know.There are a couple of things to point out here.
    First, the temptation is to deviate from the right path.  So Timothy was to ESTABLISH the Thessalonians.
    Second, Timothy was also sent to COMFORT them.  The word comfort here can be interchanged with the word strengthen.  It was often used in 1611 (when the King James Bible was translated) to mean adequate or “up to the task”.  Timothy was sent to establish them, strengthen them, and make them “up to the task”.

You see, we are here, as far as I can tell,
to help each other; our brothers, our sisters,
our friends, our enemies.
That is to help each other and not hurt each other.
– Stevie Ray Vaughan

I think the key to all of this is to walk with a humble heart.  Many times we get hurt because we think we deserve something that we’re not getting.  A good policy to adopt concerning dealing with people is to expect nothing and be grateful for everything.  I have had the Lord check my heart to hold off on responding for 1 week to someone who was being harsh & rude.  When I got to the end of the week, I didn’t even want to bother with responding.  It was just no longer worth it.  Many times when we respond immediately to mistreatment, we also respond wrong.  Stop, wait, cool down & choose your response wisely.

Jas 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: 20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

Paul admonished Timothy to endure hardness as a good soldier  (II Tim 2:3).  This is there for us to follow too.  We should adopt this same soldier mentality as we walk out God’s plan for our life.  As for me…I’m in.  I will endure hardness, shake it off and keep moving forward.  What about you?

Join the conversation and leave your comments below.