Category Archives: Love

I Mean It!

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Years ago there was a Citi bank “Thankyou” rewards commercial where they were trying to express the power of “Thank You”. In the commercial a woman told a man that she loved him. He hesitated and a heart breaking look washed over her face. He finally replied with “Thank You!” and she, with a surprised and joyful look said “Really?” To which he responded “I mean it!”. The commercial ended with a happy note as Citi bank showed you how a heart felt “I love you” could be adequately answered with “Thank you” and a broken heart crisis was affectively averted.

Worship

Too many times I have found myself in situations and I am acting by rote. It’s almost as if I’m just performing by basic muscle memory. My mind is barely involved and my heart is no where to be seen. I am running on autopilot. Years of habit have kicked in and allowed me to mentally “step out” for a minute. I have noticed recently though, that it seems to be in areas that matter.

“What is uttered from the heart alone, Will win the hearts of others to your own.”
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

We are creatures of habit and when we face situations over and over again, we learn what behavior is appropriate for these situations and we respond appropriately. When we first encounter these situations, we think about what response is needed and we choose carefully how to act or what to say. As time wears on though, we learn what response the situation requires and render it as needed. We can do this so often that the meaning behind the action or the word can become quite meaningless. It’s just what we do…in that situation. It’s just what we say…when that comes up.

I Love You Too! I say this with ease when I’m talking to my wife, my children, my mother or most of my relation. I have noticed though that sometimes, I need to step back and take stock of what I’m actually saying. Many times I have said this and it was just the appropriate response, but I don’t ever want to say this and not mean it.

As a man and a Christian, I believe in the power of my words. I know that my words matter and that with my words I am authorizing and restricting things, people and events in my life. Words represent and carry the contents of the heart. It’s with our words that we promise and it’s with our words that we make covenant. Our words are the audible expression of our hearts. They are precious and they are immeasurably important. We should never waste them. Our words can both break or mend hearts.

Our words are how we authorize God to work in our lives. Did you know that? In Malachi 3 The Lord told the priests that their words were stout against Him. They were complaining about having to serve Him. Jesus said in Matthew that with our words we would be either justified or condemned (Mat 12:37). Our words matter.

It’s so important that when we are using important words, that we also have our heart behind them. When I tell my wife and children how much I love and adore them, I don’t ever want them to go away without truly understanding that my whole heart is behind my words and that I truly mean them.

“When pure sincerity forms within, it is outwardly realized in other people’s hearts.” ― Lao Tzu

 

It’s that way with my Lord sometimes too. I find myself saying things in prayer and it’s just “what I do”. I don’t want my relationship with Him to be that way either. I want to always be fully present with Him. When I say I love Him, I want it to always come from the very depth of my heart. I never want to just “Phone it in”. I remember Pastor Keith Moore saying on a recorded message one time that the Lord ministered to him in a time of prayer and said “If you are not enjoying our time together, don’t think that I’m enjoying it either”. The Lord wants a relationship with us where our hearts are involved, because His heart is involved. He loves us with all His heart. He desires for our times together with Him to be full of love, full of heart and very meaningful. Sometimes we allow our relationship with Him to grow a little stale. We say things but our heart is not in them. Our relationship with Him may not matter to us as much as we say it does. Let me let you in on something though. It matters to Him. It mattered so much that He fully gave Himself for us. But it didn’t end there. It continually matters to Him…even right now. He takes His relationship with you so seriously that when He gave Himself, He never took it back. His giving of Himself is not over and will not ever be over.

The Good News Bible says it this way

Heb 7:25 And so he is able, now and always, to save those who come to God through him, because he lives forever to plead with God for them.

He is forever our High Priest. It is through Him and by Him that we have access to this Life, to this Love, to this God, who is Love.

This week I invite you to take stock of where you are in your relationships with your family and the Lord. Have you been fully present? Set aside some time this week to reach out to your family to tell them how much they mean to you and really mean it. Take some time in prayer this week and purpose in your heart to spend some quality time with Him. When we humble ourselves before Him, He shows up in His heaviness.

If you don’t have a relationship with Him and want to know more, Click Here.

Thank you for reading what the Lord puts on my heart to write. If this has helped you in any way, I’m so glad. I appreciate you more than you know. If you think this can help others, I want to encourage you to share it. I want to be a good steward of what the Lord has put on my heart and I want it to reach and help as many people as possible.

Honoring God by Honoring an Absentee Father.

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When your dad has left your family behind and moved on, Father’s Day can feel a little awkward.  It’s sometimes hard to know what you should do because you may not want to do anything except maybe, well…  I’m reminded of the character Gary from the movie Parenthood (The movie starring Steve Martin, not the stupid series where everyone talks over the top of everyone else).  Gary was played by a young Joaquin Phoenix – although in the movie he’s credited as Leaf Phoenix.  Gary was about 13 and couldn’t understand why his Dad kept ignoring him and pushing him away.  Finally Gary understood that his Dad didn’t want Gary to be a part his new family.  Gary broke down and then broke into his Dad’s dentist office.  He tore the place up.  Gary did what many others have wished they could do.  Gary acted out on his deep hurt.  Most people just internalize it and let it poison them.  The hurt turns to bitterness.

I have been asked a question by some of my friends. Friends who know me pretty well. The question usually sounds like this “How can you have such a good attitude toward your Dad when he’s seemingly walked away and never looked back?”  One of my good friends who has both a son and a daughter said “As a dad, I just don’t see how a dad can walk away from his kids. I just don’t understand it at all”. My response has always been “I don’t either”.  For me personally, it’s foreign to my thinking.

When I think about myself, I think about how I try always to be a good guy. I work constantly to be a good example of what a good husband and father should be. In my life in general, my intentions are always good and I try not to do harm to anyone, ever. I try to be all the encouragement I can be. I unfortunately haven’t always been successful. I have sometimes “fleshed out” and been selfish. I have done and said things that have hurt people. I know I have. It may have been completely unintentional, or it may have been a stupid, short sightedness decision on my part that left someone else hurting, or in some cases it was intentional. I got my feelings hurt and reacted badly, saying & doing things on purpose that hurt others. It has happened. I have hurt people.

position open clearWe have a tendency to judge others by their outcome but judge ourselves by our intentions. Because of this we tend to put each other through the ringer. If I take an honest look at myself and my good intentions and I still manage to hurt people, even when I’m trying not to, then aren’t all of us are capable of hurting others?  That would include fathers, wouldn’t it?

I don’t believe for a minute that my Dad intended to hurt me or my brothers & sisters. He didn’t start his marriage off with my mom with the intention of blowing it up after a little over a decade. I am confident that he started off with boatloads of hope and a desire to build a life. He wants what we all want; to be happy. I suspect that  we were all just collateral damage in his pursuit of happiness.

As I said, I don’t believe that he intended to hurt us. That being said, I do think that he knows that he has. He doesn’t contact any of us. I’m not sure why.   I have had contact with some folks who do have contact with him though, and they say he’s a great guy. He’s well liked and influential. He’s the kind of guy that would help out someone in need. He’s a good guy. Because of that, it wouldn’t be right or honorable for me to judge him based only on my lack of experience with him.

Hugh BeaumontWe have a tendency to exalt the position of father and I don’t think that’s a mistake. I believe with all my heart that society is having many of the problems it is having primarily because of the absence of good fathers in the home. A father should be continually endeavoring to be all the father that God has created him to be. Unfortunately, we are filling these exalted positions with mere men. Mere men experience temptation, have fears, baggage, brokenness, issues, prejudices and some have an unresolved past. There was only one Ward Cleaver, and he was fiction (though I admire Hugh Beaumont quite a bit).

We have a tendency to judge others by their outcome but judge ourselves by our intentions.

Here’s what I do know.

I can’t govern myself based on how anyone does or doesn’t act toward me. I have to govern myself based on who I am. That’s really the bottom line. People have a tendency to live in a state of reaction to what others are doing. Because of this, when others aren’t particularly kind, people will retaliate or completely withdraw. People have a “You hurt me so I’m going to hurt you back” attitude without thinking that the other people are probably at least attempting to make the best decisions possible and that they may not be intentionally hurting you.

My responses to my Dad are a direct reflection, NOT of who he is, but of who I AM. If I’ve gone to God’s Word and discovered what His idea of a husband and a father is, and then I’ve conformed my life to it, then my actions should show it. If I have endeavored to be a man of honor, a man of integrity, a man of humility, a man who knows how to submit to authority, if I have become the best man I can be, then my actions should reflect only that.

Thank God that He (God) didn’t respond to us based on who we are. Instead, His actions show who He is.

Because of who He is, He loves us and gave His only begotten Son for us, all while we were yet sinners. (click here for more info).  If He can do that for us, then if we will draw near to Him and allow Him, He will build in us the character of a godly man or woman. Then we can look at a father who has not been there; a father who may have been abusive, a father who has struggled to be a father, and we can respond from what’s on the inside, Godly love and compassion.

My encouragement for you:

If your Dad is no longer with you, you can still do most of this advice.  Remember, this really comes down to you, not him and even if you have the best dad on planet Earth, you can still do this.

  • Fortify yourself. Get into God’s Word & allow God to reveal Himself to you and to build into you good, sturdy, Godly Love. This will strengthen you against hurt feelings and allow you to come into every situation from a position of strength based on God’s Love. Then only respond from that.  Remember, Honoring your Father is something you do for the rest of your life, not his.  Because honor is in the way you live. It’s a reflection of who you are more than what you do.
  • Cut him some slack. He’s a man. He’s got flaws just like you. There are no exceptions to God’s command to honor our fathers & mothers.  His behavior doesn’t let you off the hook.
  • Pray for your Dad. Get a picture of him and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Pray Colossians 1:9-11 for him every day. This is a Holy Spirit inspired prayer that Paul prayed for the Colossian church.  The reason the Holy Spirit would inspire such a prayer is because He wants to answer it.  We can have confidence that this is the will of God.  Below is this passage from the God’s Word translation. You can print it out & tape it near the picture on your mirror.  That way you’ll be reminded every day. Then continually thank God for working in your dad’s life.

Col 1:9 For this reason we have not stopped praying for you since the day we heard about you. We ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through every kind of spiritual wisdom and insight.

Col 1:10 We ask this so that you will live the kind of lives that prove you belong to the Lord. Then you will want to please him in every way as you grow in producing every kind of good work by this knowledge about God.

Col 1:11 We ask him to strengthen you by his glorious might with all the power you need to patiently endure everything with joy.

Marriage. Thriving, not just Surviving.

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This last week my lovely wife Ann and I celebrated 25 years of marriage together. It’s hard to believe that it’s been one quarter of a century. Neither of us look like we could be more than just a couple of years out of high school. Well…at least that is true for her. I have a little too much gray in my beard. Anyway, We now have two adult daughters, 25 years full of memories and in some cases, hard learned lessons to show for it.

 Please join the discussion by leaving a comment.  Also, please share if you think this can help anyone else. I appreciate you!

I Am A Father – Part One

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I am a father video image

Click the image of the attractive fellow above to view the video.

A few weeks ago I realized that 22 years ago I became a father.  This was a life changing and defining moment in my life.  As I reminisced about that day and the days following, I was reminded of some of the things that God helped me to see concerning not only being a father, but being the best father I could be.

This is the first of a small series of videos about the realizations and responsibilities of being a quality father and man.

Click the image of yours truly above to view the video, or you can click HERE,          HERE,        or           HERE.

If it helps you, or you think it can help someone else, please share and subscribe.

The Priority of Fatherhood.

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This week I was planning to make a video post and I set out Monday night to shoot it.  When I was done it was 24 minutes long.  Too long for a video blog post.  It’s funny how there are times when you really have to mine your heart for things to say and then there are times when you strike a live wire and the content just gushes out of you.  Monday night was like that one.  Anyway, I am in the process of editing it down into 4 or 5 video posts, and because of the time that the editing process takes (when you barely know what you’re doing), we will NOT be posting that video this week.  We’ll just wait & see how the editing goes.

Billy Graham quote on brown background

One of the joys of my life is talking with my daughters.  I absolutely love it when awesome conversations spontaneously break out and the next thing we know, an hour has gone by and we didn’t even miss it.  In times like these we sometimes talk about friends & boyfriends, while other times we talk about things like integrity, honor, humility & honesty.  Sometimes the conversation is about both, like people they know who have messed up lives because of the choices they’ve made.  One time I was talking to my eldest daughter & we were having one of those conversations.  I made a comment about what a particular friend should have done to avoid the fall-out from a bad decision. My daughter looked up at me and said “yeah, but they don’t have YOU for a dad”.  Her implication was that if I were this person’s dad, they probably wouldn’t have made the poor choice.  While it pleased me that my daughter said that, it also caused me to think.

My children have never had to face many of the struggles and suffering that I have faced, and that some of their friends are currently facing. I know that at least in part, it’s because they have parents who make them a priority and have made it a point to teach them Godly principles from an early age.  As I looked back over my life as a son and as a father, I began to see that, as a boy, the thing that mattered most to me about my parents was that I wanted them to be there.  As a father, one of my highest priorities is that I want to be there when my girls need me.  I want to be there even if they don’t need me.  I just like being around them.  Even if it’s just to talk about the drama at their workplace or what’s going on with their friends.  I need to be there for them.  They need me to be there.

What will they need from me tomorrow?  I don’t know.  We’ll see what tomorrow brings and I’ll do my absolute best to help them navigate it.  I told my daughter one time, “Don’t ever run from me.  When all the dust settles and everyone else has left you high and dry, I will be the one behind you helping you dig out of this hole”.  I can’t do that if I’m not there.  Fathers, If you don’t live with your kids, I’m not trying to condemn you, but while your kids need you to support them financially, what they need more than that is for you to be a strong part of their life for good.  So what’s the priority of Fatherhood?  Be there. Even if you don’t live with them, be a big positive part of their life. Even when they’ve grown up, make sure they know that you’re still there and still on their side.

God the Father demonstrates His own commitment toward us as our Heavenly Father in Deuteronomy 4:31, 31:6 and in Hebrews 13:5 when He says “I will never leave you, nor forsake you”.  That leaves us with a strong example of what fatherhood should look like, and it gives us a strong consolation that He will never leave us twisting in the wind.  We will never be out of his reach!  Wow! Thank you Father!

I challenge you to take it to the next level this week.  Make special effort to be with your children and do something memorable.  Intentionally teach them something that will help them down the road.

What are some things that you have done, or places you have gone, to have quality time with your kids?  Please share by leaving a comment.

Encouragement for My Single Friends

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While praying the other day, the Lord brought to my remembrance something that a single friend had posted on Facebook a few years ago.  The remark was something like “I never thought I would be alone at this stage in my life”.

couple_on_bench_11880918_std

Lets face it, some people are single because they want to be.  They just like it.  They like the freedom of it.  They like everything in their life and space to be just the way they want it.  That’s Okay.  A person who remains single can dedicate themselves fully to the path that the Lord wants for them to walk.  Paul the Apostle said by permission from the Holy Spirit :

1Co 7:6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.  I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.  But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

Not everyone who finds themselves single wants to stay that way though.  For many, there is a longing to be in a relationship.  A strong desire to be half of a whole.  Committed and fulfilled.  Loving and being loved.  The reasons people find themselves single vary and only they and God know all of the reasons why.  Some may have started off in a relationship or a marriage and through tragedy or treachery, they find themselves forced into being alone.  Some may even feel like time is not on their side and that there is a race against the clock to try to find the right one.  I read and hear comments from some, and they wonder “Why haven’t I found someone yet?”  I want to take a minute today and just encourage you and to remind you of things you probably already know but may have lost sight of.

  1. Stop thinking about what you might be missing.  The truth is that the only thing you’re missing is the pain and torment of being in the wrong relationship.
    Trust God that you are not missing anything good and that all that is good about being in a relationship with the right person is being laid up in store for you.  You’re not missing out.  All of the good that you thought you were missing out on is just being deferred until later.
  2. Are you ready for it?  Are you ready for them?  Can a new person come into your life and stand on their own merits without being overshadowed by your past?  Maybe you haven’t been ready for a relationship.  Maybe you would actually be someone else’s torment.  Work on what you have control over.  You.  Become the best you that you can be.  Become the prize catch.  Trust God to work on the stuff you can’t control.  He knows exactly what makes you happy and He wants you to be happy.
  3. What are you seeking?  Jesus said in Matthew 6:33 (BBE) “But let your first care be for his kingdom and his righteousness; and all these other things will be given to you in addition.”  In this passage Jesus was talking specifically about physical needs, house, food & clothing but we see a bigger picture emerging.  He said in verse 31 “Then don’t be full of care…”  Then in verse 32 “Your Heavenly Father knows what you need”.  God cares about you, He has made provision to meet EVERY need that you have and the one thing he doesn’t want you doing is being FULL OF CARE (worried).  Trust that Your Heavenly Father knows what you have need of.

Ask God to help you.  Ask Him go grow you (both) up fast – to bring you (both) quickly to the place where you’re ready, and then bring you together.
Ask Him to deal with you bluntly,  and then commit yourself to hear….and to DO what you know to do.
Focus on you.  What do you bring to the table.  Don’t focus on them.  Stop looking at “What a real man/woman would do” and instead focus on you. You are all you will ever be able to control.  Focus on you.
Remember to keep God first.  There can only be one 1st place in your life.  Seek His kingdom first!  Then the other stuff will be added unto you.

God WANTS to help you!

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Happy New Year! 

What a great time to start something new!  Right? Today we’re going to start something different.  Below is my first ever blog video, also known as Vlog.  It’s new for me so I would just ask that you forgive my “Hack n Slash” editing job.  I have been wanting to do video for some time now and have been quietly learning as much as I could about it. Most of my training has been from trial and error and also from the now famous “YouTube academy”.

Today’s topic is very close to my heart.  Many people need to hear God’s position concerning them.  My sincere prayer is that this will speak to you and strengthen your trust in God.  The scriptures used and some that were not used but are related will be posted below for you to look up for yourselves if you want.

 

Consider doing three things.

If this has helped you, please consider sharing.  Also, if you want to join the cool kids and not miss anything from artmills.org, consider subscribing to my email list.  When you do you will receive “Your Path and Your Provision” a short PDF teaching that will help you see the goodness of God toward you.

I want to hear from you!  Join the conversation.  I would love for you to share your own experience about the goodness of God.  Please share by leaving a comment.

Supporting scripture.

Pro 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Mat 7:17-18 Even so, every good tree gives good fruit; but the bad tree gives evil fruit.  It is not possible for a good tree to give bad fruit, and a bad tree will not give good fruit.

Psa 115:16 The heavens are the Lord’s; but the earth he has given to the children of men.

Psa 100:5 For the Lord is good, and his mercy is never-ending; his faith is unchanging through all generations.

Psa 145:9 The Lord is good to all men; and his mercies are over all his works.

Psa 107:1 O give praise to the Lord, for he is good: for his mercy is unchanging for ever.

Psa 34:8 By experience you will see that the Lord is good; happy is the man who has faith in him.

Psa 33:5 His delight is in righteousness and wisdom; the earth is full of the mercy of the Lord.

Ezr 3:11 And they gave praise to the Lord, answering one another in their songs and saying, For he is good, for his mercy to Israel is eternal. And all the people gave a great cry of joy, when they gave praise to the Lord, because the base of the Lord’s house was put in place.

Here’s to a strong start for your 2015!

Your friend,

Art.

An Intentional Marriage. Part 2

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Several years ago I was talking to a co-worker and our conversation turned to marriage and the role of the spouses. He told me how his mom would go outside on cold winter mornings and start his dad’s car. I gave him a weird look because I always assumed that a loving husband would do that for himself and not subject his wife to the sometimes sub-zero temperatures of the upper mid-west. He looked at me and said in a matter of fact way “She’s his help meet”. I couldn’t help but think that to him and his family, “Help meet” meant servant, or at least someone of lesser standing.

“Help meet” as used in his sentence above comes from a misinterpretation of what God said in Genesis 2:18 & 20. The King James Version says this:

Gen 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

Gen 2:19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

Gen 2:20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

The scripture goes on to describe how God put Adam into a deep sleep and removed one of his ribs and created the woman.

A clear understanding of the words help meet will really help us to understand our correct place in our marriage and will also help us more clearly understand the role we have as husband and wife.

  • Help. When used in Genesis, the direct translation is “Aid”. God said let us make him an aid. Do you know powerful truth we can glean from this little nugget? Men need help. God knows it, the angels know it, men, you need to come to terms with it. You need help. It also becomes apparent that the help that man needed was not physical strength. There were plenty of beasts that could do the heavy lifting. This was not what man needed. This was not enough.
  • Meet. Several words in both the Old and New Testament are translated into the word meet. We don’t use this word in this way anymore. Keep in mind that the King James Bible was translated back in 1611.
    Many of the word used in the Hebrew, Greek & Chaldean translate into similar definitions but the meaning would change slightly depending on the context of the passage. Here and in other places where Meet was used similarly, the definitions are: “Well placed, appropriate, fit, qualified, suitable, competent, ample, able, enough, sufficient, worthy”.

Many years ago I heard a prominent minister say that the most rudimentary definition he could come up with of the word Meet was “Of the same kind”. I think that’s a good understanding. When all of the other living things on planet earth were created, there was not found a help meet (suitable, sufficient, of the same kind) for him. Therefore we understand that the woman was there to help him in a way that the other living things couldn’t.

Imagine how Adam reacted when he finally woke up from his deep sleep and met her for the first time. The Bible recounts what he said :

Gen 2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Gen 2:25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

When I hear this read, I sort of hear it like he was mono toned and he was saying it like it was not a very big deal. Kind of like reading the phone book. Imagine these verses being spoken in Ben Stein’s voice. I don’t think that’s how this played out at all though. When I study the words used here and see the intent behind what was being said, it gives me a better perspective not only of what Adam said but also how he said it. Keep in mind, these are Adam’s words, not Gods. Adam was the one defining the marriage here. He said “This is NOW. The word Now means “a stroke” and is illustrated in Strong’s definition as a hammer striking an anvil. Now! (imagine him pounding his hand when he said it) She and I have the very same bone. She and I have the very same flesh because she was taken out of me. Because of that, a man will loosen his grip, relinquish and forsake the sense of self and identity he has with his father, mother and the bond of family, and shall follow hard after, overtake, walk together, abide together, be joined together, adhere to one another, cling and stick to his woman and they two shall be united, alike, alone, together, in flesh, body, skin, nakedness and be one”. I can hear great excitement in his voice as he says this. Adam is totally stoked about this new help that God has made of the same kind – suitable, enough, sufficient.

Man, your wife can be the difference maker in your life, but she should not be treated like a servant. The Bible says that you are to give her honor because you are physically stronger than her, and to be heirs together in the grace of life. If you will do this, your prayers will not be hindered, but if you don’t, you can expect trouble getting your prayers answered. (1 Pet 3:7). That is how important it is to God that you treat your wife with honor and respect.

1Pe 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

Take some time this week and have a serious look at how you see your wife or girlfriend. Pledge to see things honestly and if you are not where you should be, pledge to take steps in the right direction this week. Being a man of excellence is not out of your reach. God wants you to be and He will also help you to become. Ask Him to show you where you’re missing it and then when He does, be quick to change. You both will be blessed.

hands to sky

Men, what are some ways that you can express honor to your wife this week? How can you take it up a notch? I would love to hear your thoughts. Maybe you can help another reader. Please join the conversation by leaving a comment. Also, If you think this can help someone else, please share it.

Making It Last…An Intentional Marriage. Honesty.

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According to statistics on marriage from the Centers for Disease Control, based on information from 2011, the marriage rate in the United States is 6.8 per 1,000. The Divorce rate is 3.6 per 1,000 which supports the idea of the 50% divorce rate that many of us have heard about. The divorce rate for 2nd and 3rd marriages is higher still. This information is based on data collected from 44 states and the District of Columbia.

There are lots of reasons why marriages fail. Too young, unfulfilled expectations, infidelity, too much arguing, abuse, the list goes on. But how do we make one succeed? That’s what I really want to talk about. Many of us come from broken homes and have spent a big part of our lives missing at least one of our parents.  Are we doomed to make the same mistakes?  Is there a way that we can beat the statistics and have a marriage that endures?

vintage wedding photo

Last Saturday I skipped my blog post because I spent the day with my wife. We did the normal stuff…work-out, bank, store. We even tried a new restaurant. We had a really nice time just hanging out. As I was waiting in the car for her to come out of the bank, I was thinking about how much I was enjoying our time and how much I actually missed her. We both have lots of stuff demanding our attention and its pretty easy to get swept up in your own life and stop noticing what’s going on around you. I thought about the last 24 years with her and I was thankful that we have been able to get to where we are now and still enjoy being together as much as we do.

Marriage is one of the most amazing and rewarding relationships a person can have. It can also push a person to the absolute edge of misery. I have also been so angry at my wife that I have taken my hat off, thrown it at the ground as hard as I could, and then stomped on it.  I have also been so overwhelmed with feelings of love for her that I wept.

It’s important to understand what a marriage is. When I searched the definition in a Bing search, marriage was defined as a formal union between a man and a woman whereby they become husband and wife. Webster’s dictionary uses the word “United”. Wikipedia uses the verbiage “Legal contract that establishes rights and obligations”. It’s also defined more generally as a mixture or combination of two or more elements.

Marriage originated in the Bible. There it’s called a covenant. While most people may have heard that, many don’t actually understand what a covenant is. A covenant is a formal, solemn & binding agreement and based on promises and trust. Historically covenants have often been between clans, tribes & families, usually by the joining of sons & daughters in marriage. Covenants are seals by the shedding of blood and involve the swearing of an oath and the making of solemn promises to the other party, exchanging gifts and names. Many family names are the result of covenants made long ago.  Now days family names beginning with “Van” or “Mac” are common, but they probably started from a covenant. The covenant would be honored and respected by all the members of both families.

The significance and the actual strength of a covenant is found in the honesty and integrity of the people who enter into it. In the old days, violating the covenant was a serious offense often resulting in the death of the offender. People understood the gravity of the oath of a covenant. They didn’t want to break covenant, not just because of the potential consequences but also because of what the breaking of the covenant said about the breaker. Even if you lived, you would never be trusted again.

For us today to give ourselves the best possible chance at a long and happy marriage, we can’t be liars. Period.  You and I need to work tirelessly to make sure that the promises and oath that came out of our mouth does not fail. Our spouse has every right to expect this from us. It’s not a light thing that we entered into. When we stood up and made those promises, we gave our spouse an IOU, a promissory note to pay, with the intent that you and I would spend the rest of our life making our word come true.

The problem often arises when one spouse thinks the other is not fully committed or not upholding their end of the commitment. Then that spouse begins to let their own commitment wane. Truthfully, even if your spouse is “Just phoning it in”, If you are a person of integrity, you will keep your word. That is the sign of a true covenant promise.

If he has a need, if she has a need and you can fulfill it.
Do it.
Don’t even ask why.
That’s why you are married to each other.
To serve each other.

–  www.inspirational-motivational-quotes.com

I invite you this week to press the pause button on your life for a little while and have a real and honest look at your word. Are you honest? Does your word have integrity? Or are you only “situationally honest”, with your desire to keep your word depending on the way your spouse is acting toward you?  Remember, you’re not only lying to them when you tell an outright lie, you are also lying to them when you fail to keep your promises.  When you married, you said to your spouse the best things you could say.  Get behind your words and from now on, make them true.

I Still Do image

What do you think are some of the more difficult areas to keep your word in marriage? I would love for you to join the conversation by leaving a comment. Also, if you have found this helpful and think it could help someone else, please consider sharing.

Why I’m not afraid of God.

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Stone Christian CrossI grew up in a Christian  family and had a lot of exposure to God, Jesus, prayer, bible reading & Sunday school.  For several years though, during my teens, I ran from it and wanted nothing to do with Church or Christians.  I remember being in my high and lofty teens looking down on the idea of God and religion.  I thought at the time that rational thinking didn’t really support a world view with God in it.  There were too many loop holes, too many un-provable claims. I also had trouble with the example set by those I loved and trusted.  The corruption that showed up in my own family was almost too much to overcome.  I was really angry and like so many people, I was hiding behind the excuse of “Victim”.  What I didn’t really consider at the time though, was that the seeds had already been planted in my heart and were already in there, growing.  And truth be told, I had already seen too much.  I could not really deny that God existed because I had already seen Him working in my life on many occasions when I was younger.

When I first made the commitment to God for myself, I was 17 years old.  I remember praying to receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior in late October 1985.  My uncle led me and some of my friends in that life changing prayer.  I had prayed that same prayer before more than once. This time the difference was that I meant it.  I received that night with all of my heart.  When I look back I can see that I received for three reasons.

  • First was the example of my uncle.  While many of my relatives are Christians, he stepped up like no other. He showed me love and support when it seemed like I had no one else.  He was the best man I knew, and he was the real deal when it came to his faith.  As Christians, we should all aspire to be this kind of influence in the lives of others.  He has set a pretty high benchmark for me and I am committed to make sure he wasn’t wasting his time.
  • Second, I had come to the end of myself.  Everything in my life seemed to have gone wrong at once.  In my young man’s perspective, I thought I had no where to go.  I know as an adult that no distress lasts forever, but I didn’t see that then.  Rev. Marvin Yoder, the Dean of Rhema Bible Training Center while I was attending, has a saying. “Today is not a life sentence”. That’s good advise when you’re being pressed between the rock and the hard place and it seems like nothing is going right.  At that time in my life, I couldn’t see. I was stuck and didn’t have any vision.

    The Bible says in Proverbs 29:18 Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

    That’s where I was.  Without vision.  I called out to God because I was losing hope.  It’s interesting how “Open” to the idea of God people get when they are out of options.  I was no exception.  Sadly, He could have been helping all along.

  • Third was the teaching and example of my parents when I was young.  The seeds of truth about God had been planted in my heart from an early age.  It wasn’t just the teaching though, it was the example.  When I was young, my parents lived what they believed in front of me.  I saw that God was real to them and they formed and strengthened in me a reverence for God that was there even when I was trying to pretend He didn’t exist.

I didn’t fully understand what I had done that night.  All I knew was that I was serious about it.  I had a strong conviction that God was not interested in hurting me, but that He really wanted to be a part of my life. It took me years to understand that the entire Salvation plan, the whole thing, from the animal skins in the garden to the covenant with Abraham, to Jesus bleeding & dying on the cross, it was all His idea; and it was all for the purpose of bringing me closer to Him and clothing me with His goodness.  Wow!

The Bible says in Isaiah (BBE)

48:17 The Lord who takes up your cause, the Holy One of Israel, says, I am the Lord your God, who is teaching you for your profit, guiding you by the way in which you are to go.  48:18 If only you had given ear to my orders, then your peace would have been like a river, and your righteousness as the waves of the sea:

Very often when people see the word Profit, they immediately begin to think in terms of money & wealth building.  The word Profit used in verse 17 is the word Ya’al.     יעל  ya‛al  yaw-al’  It’s a root word in Hebrew that means to ascend with the connotation of “in a good way”. To profit.  A simple way to say it is “Increase” but not just in the financial area.  He teaches us to increase in every good way. Family, relationships, growing up spiritually, on the job, health, peace, so many areas.  Again – all His idea.  This is not man looking for God and God saying “Well, I suppose if you don’t act stupid, or embarrass me in front of the angels, I suppose you can worship me”.  No!  While we were lost and dying, He came to us.  God’s loves you and has taken up your cause. 

2 Cor 5:19 says that God is not imputing our trespasses unto us.  The word impute isn’t a word you hear very often but the Greek word used here literally means to take inventory, to count, to estimate, or to reckon.  God is not doing that to you.  Can you just imagine – clipboard in hand – “On August 22nd, 1972 at 11:34 A.M. you hit your sister.  On August 22nd 1972 at 11:36 A.M. you lied to your mother and said you didn’t hit your sister”.  No! No! Thank God, No!  His heart toward you is full of good!  He’s not taking inventory of all of the times that we’ve blown it. 

Finally, I need to point out Isaiah 48:18 though.  God is saying “If you would only listen to me…Then you would have peace like a river.  So many people think that God will do what ever He wants in our lives and they don’t understand why He doesn’t seem to get as involved as they would like Him to.  After all, He’s God! He’s all powerful.  Right?  But they fail to understand that He created us with a choice.  We can choose to reject Him.  Many do, without saying so.  They just always have to do it their way.  He says “Look!  If you would just listen to me and do what I’m telling you, man – you would have peace all up in here!  You could stack the awesomeness 5 high”.  What I want you to take away is this – God is for us, not against us.  It’s us who are usually acting as our own enemy.  We hurt ourselves when we don’t listen to His wisdom.  We think He’s trying to ruin our fun but what He’s really doing is plotting our course around disaster.  Here’s an assignment for us this week.  Daily pray Col 1:9-11 over yourself in the 1st person.

Col 1:9 b  Father, I ask you to fill me with the knowledge of your will through every kind of spiritual wisdom and insight.

Col 1:10 I ask this so that I will live the kind of life that prove I belong to you Lord. Then I will want to please you in every way as I grow in producing every kind of good work by this knowledge about You, God.

Col 1:11 I ask you to strengthen me by your glorious might with all the power I need to patiently endure everything with joy.
-(God’s Word Translation – 1st person edit)