Category Archives: Honor

Where to start when it comes to Honor.

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New Year’s Eve 2009, my family and I were on our way home from my wife’s parents’ house.  We had spent the evening eating junk food & playing games but everyone was getting pretty tired so we decided to go home.  It was right about midnight (I remember because of the fireworks) when a small Mazda coming toward us spun out of control. It hit the big pickup truck in front of us, turning the truck in the road about 120 degrees & then tail whipped right into the front of our car.  It hit us so hard that it slapped the front of our car clear off into the ditch. The Mazda was wrecked in both the front and the rear.

We were all okay, escaping with just a little seat belt rash and some muscle stress from the accident, but our car was totaled.  The 19 year old young man driving the Mazda was okay too.  He kept apologizing and it became pretty clear that he was under the influence of alcohol.

A lot happened that night.  The Highway Patrol & the Fire Department showed up, made sure everyone was okay & took our information. Then I realized that the young man’s father had also arrived. He made sure his son was okay and was now talking to the state trooper. The father had a weary look on his face.  It seemed by his actions that he was very embarrassed by his son’s behavior that night.  When he was also informed that his son had refused towing service because “his dad had a guy” the father sighed and his head just dropped into his hand.  He was ashamed.  I remember thinking as I watched it “This is the exact opposite of honor”.  Accidents sometimes can’t be avoided, but that night there were some very bad choices made that led up to this one.

Proverbs 17:2 says “A servant who does wisely will have rule over a son causing shame, and will have his part in the heritage among brothers” (BBE).

It’s so important to understand that the first part of honoring your mother and father is to NOT cause shame.  I know there are plenty of times when I was a fool and embarrassed my parents.  I am personally responsible for many of the gray hairs on their heads.  It took me a long time to understand what it really means to honor them. I wish that someone would have helped me understand honor and why it’s important when I was a much younger man.  I will share more about honor in upcoming posts but the simplest way to define it for me is “to heavily value”. As we grow up we sometimes forget that we’re still sons & daughters and that what we do directly reflects on how we were raised.  God holds us strictly accountable to honor our Father and Mother (Ex. 20:12).  We do that with our life, by being quality people, and it doesn’t end when our parents are gone. We honor them for the rest of OUR lives.

I would love to hear your thoughts on honoring your parents. Please add your comments.

Where to start on the road to honor.

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New Year’s Eve 2009, my family and I were on our way home from my wife’s parents’ house.  We had spent the evening eating junk food & playing games but everyone was getting pretty tired so we decided to go home.  It was right about midnight (I remember because of the fireworks) when a small Mazda coming toward us spun out of control. It hit the big pickup truck in front of us, turning the truck in the road about 120 degrees & then tail whipped right into the front of our car.  It hit us so hard that it slapped the front of our car clear off into the ditch. The Mazda was wrecked in both the front and the rear.

We were all okay, escaping with just a little seat belt rash and some muscle stress from the accident, but our car was totaled.  The 19 year old young man driving the Mazda was okay too.  He kept apologizing and it became pretty clear that he was under the influence of alcohol.

A lot happened that night.  The Highway Patrol & the Fire Department showed up, made sure everyone was okay & took our information. Then I realized that the young man’s father had also arrived. He made sure his son was okay and was now talking to the state trooper. The father had a weary look on his face.  It seemed by his actions that he was very embarrassed by his son’s behavior that night.  When he was also informed that his son had refused towing service because “his dad had a guy” the father sighed and his head just dropped into his hand.  He was ashamed.  I remember thinking as I watched it “This is the exact opposite of honor”.  Accidents sometimes can’t be avoided, but that night there were some very bad choices made that led up to this one.

Proverbs 17:2 says “A servant who does wisely will have rule over a son causing shame, and will have his part in the heritage among brothers” (BBE).

It’s so important to understand that the first part of honoring your mother and father is to NOT cause shame.  I know there are plenty of times when I was a fool and embarrassed my parents.  I am personally responsible for many of the gray hairs on their heads.  It took me a long time to understand what it really means to honor them. I wish that someone would have helped me understand honor and why it’s important when I was a much younger man.  I will share more about honor in upcoming posts but the simplest way to define it for me is “to heavily value”. As we grow up we sometimes forget that we’re still sons & daughters and that what we do directly reflects on how we were raised.  God holds us strictly accountable to honor our Father and Mother (Ex. 20:12).  We do that with our life, by being quality people, and it doesn’t end when our parents are gone. We honor them for the rest of OUR lives.

I would love to hear your thoughts on honoring your parents. Please add your comments.

 

(Previously published April 2014)

What do I owe you?

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Is there a distinction between respect and honor? They are both of the heart and they both are shown by action. To say a person is respectable, or to say they are honorable would seem to be saying the same thing, except that there is more weight on the word Honor. Honor is equal to the highest level of respect. Remember the definition of honor? To honor is to value as heavy. When something was heavy, it was considered to be worth more. To honor is to value someone as very important to you, showing deference. Honor is also having a good name or public reputation. A showing of merited respect. High worth, and as a verb, a gesture of deference (bow). The root word in Hebrew literally means: To cause to shine, to glorify or to add luster.

Honor notes

When it comes to honor and respect, most people think about it two ways:

I. They demanding it for themselves. Have you ever been handed something by someone and when you reach and grab for it, they refuse to let it go until you say “Thank you”? They may even accompany their firm grip with the phrase “What do you say?” insisting that they be shown the politeness and respect that they are pretty sure they deserve. When most people think about respect, their thinking is self-centered – “You should respect ME!” It’s vitally important to remember that respect and honor come from the heart and by their nature, cannot be taken. They can only be given. Someone may demand respect but, unless their lives and actions command it, making such a demand, actually diminishes their respectability.

II. Some have the idea that they will only give honor and respect when they believe it’s been earned. “She hasn’t earned my respect”. There is a real problem with this thinking. It breeds hardhearted, stiff necked, rebellion. Some may let anger or bitter feelings dictate whether or not they can honor, or respect someone.  They may say “I have no respect for _____” but when we really look at it, feelings should not be allowed to get in the way of our showing honor to those to whom it’s due.

If respect is owed, it should be paid. If you owe someone honor, pay that honor. When most people think about respect, they don’t think this way. Instead, their thinking is self-centered – “They should respect ME!”  This is against scripture, which teaches that there are those who God Almighty commands us to honor. We owe it to these people and we need to give it to them.

Rom 13:7,8. Render therefore to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor. Owe no man anything, but to love one another: for he that Loves another has fulfilled the law.

If you make a debt without being certain how you are going to pay it back, you are setting yourself up to steal. You may think of yourself as an upstanding citizen who always follows the law, and would never intentionally do anything wrong, but if you don’t have a plan to pay what you owe, you will probably over extend your ability, and leave someone who trusted you, wishing they hadn’t.  It doesn’t matter at this point what kind of person you think you are. Your image of yourself does not match the cold, hard reality of who you are. You are self-deceived. You have judged yourself by your intentions, while the rest of the world is judging you by the outcome.

In the same way, you owe a debt of love, respect and honor to certain people. Keeping Romans 13:7 & 8 in context, Paul is talking about rendering respect and honor.  He indicates in this passage that there are those to whom honor is due.  If it’s due (owed), and we refuse to pay it, is it stealing?  While we might think that they don’t deserve our respect, we need to respect or honor those God tells us to, out of honor for Him.

There are those out there who are starving for someone to hold them as valuable, craving the feeling of being held in honor and viewed as important. They may have longed for it all their lives but have felt powerless to change it.  Many thinking it is out of their hands. But…there is something that they CAN do.

Rev. Keith Moore says it this way “Pay the respect you owe, and reap the respect you sow”.  Isn’t that good.  When we obey God in this area, and honor by faith, even when we don’t feel like it, we’re planting seed that will grow into a harvest in our own lives.  Think on that for a minute.

Pay the respect you owe, and reap the respect you sow.  – Keith Moore

Jesus said in Mark 4:26 – 28,  “So is the kingdom of God, as if a man should cast seed into the ground; and should sleep, and rise night and day, and the seed should spring and grow up, he knows not how. For the earth brings out fruit of itself, first the blade, then the ear, after that the full grain in the ear.”  Think about it for a minute…The whole kingdom works this way, but we need to understand that it all started with a seed.  If we want to be honored and valued, we need to begin sowing honor and value.  If we can learn to give honor when it’s due, we will begin to see the fruit of honor showing up in our own lives.

Are you ready to take a step?  Find someone you owe honor, or respect to this week and find a way to intentionally show it.  Remember, Father’s day is the 19th.  A perfect time to express honor!

If you have been helped and think this could help others, please consider sharing it with them.

I appreciate you!

What is Honor?

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What does it mean to be honored? I did a google search for images of honor and several images were found of the U.S. President placing a medal around the neck of a soldier. We celebrated Memorial Day recently where we honor the memory of our fallen soldiers. A large part of the observance of Memorial Day is to show honor by decorating their tombs and grave sites, and showing reverence for their sacrifice. It would seem then that honor has something to do with medals & decorations.

Monuments cropped

stocksnap.io

While we do show honor through medals & decorations, in most cases, what we are really honoring is an act. Usually an act of courage, valor, or bravery. Acts come from the inside of people. Consistent acts reveal what is in the heart in abundance. It is in times of long service, or service under high distress and danger that a person’s true character is revealed. It is in moments like these, when some people rise up to a level of true greatness, revealing qualities of exceptional leadership, bravery or self sacrifice. In the act of honoring, we are acknowledging in them a high quality that we revere and value. We are ornamenting a person because they have made a significant impact for good to those around them. They have made a difference.

When we look to scripture, we see in Malachi 1:6 God the Father is asking a question of the priests. He says “A son honors his father, and a servant honors his master. So if I am a father, where is my honor? If I am a master, where is my respect? You priests who despise my name.”

“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to
succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have.”
― Abraham Lincoln

In this scripture we see both sides of honor. God says “If I am and Father and a Master, where’s my honor?” Implying that God expected to be honored and respected. The farther implication is that God expects that parents and masters (employers) are to be honored and respected also. (Ex 20:12. Eph 6:1-3. Col 3:22. 1 Pet 2:18).

Recently I saw a picture on social media of a man with his Bible on his knee and his hand wresting on it. In his hand was a lit cigar. I don’t remember what his caption said, but it was something like “this is church this morning”. This man’s father is a well respected minister with international influence. This man’s wife is also a minister working hard to grow her influence.

One of my first thoughts when I saw the picture was “Did his dad teach at home what he was teaching publicly?” Here’s why I’m bringing this up. This young man has what appears to be a successful business in town. At least in part, the success of the business is because his dad leveraged his own influence to help his son get launched. Many of the people who are following this young man on social media are doing so because of his father. Many of the people who saw that picture follow his father and whether people will admit it or not, this picture struck a blow against his father’s credibility. I will not say that it ruined it because his dad is a fine, upstanding man. I will say though, that it caused questions to be asked that would not have even been thought before the picture was posted. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The beginning of honor is to not cause shame (see The Road To Honor) .

Hypothetically, what if someone were considering asking this man’s wife to minister in their church, but decided against it because of this photo? I am not this man’s conscience. I am not his judge. My points here are based completely on the topic of honor and the apparent thoughtlessness of his actions.

“The most tragic thing in the world is a man of genius who is not a man of honor.”
― George Bernard Shaw

What is honor? Honor is to value as heavy. In the old days when barter and trade would happen, weights and scales were used to determine the value of things. Heavy usually meant better. Even in quality, heavy usually meant better built with more sturdy materials. When something was heavy, it was considered to be worth more. To honor is defined as value as heavy, Showing deference. A good name or public reputation. A showing of merited respect. High worth, and as a verb, a gesture of deference (bow).

The root word in Hebrew literally means: To cause to shine, to glorify or to add luster. This is the definition that I think of when I think of honor. When I think about my relationship with God, my parents & my leaders, I understand that I always need to be reverentially respectful toward them and to always live my life in a way that causes them to shine. I live to add luster to them. This is honor – and as you can see, honor comes from living from what they put into you. This is why poor choices bring dishonor and shame to them.

For me, the clearest example of honor was found in my paternal grandmother. She and my grandpa had been together for many years and raised nine children. When he passed away, she had a large photo of him framed and placed prominently on the wall in her living room. One Sunday afternoon when I stopped by for a visit, she confided in me that sometimes, when she was alone, she would talk to him. She also told me that she kissed that picture at night before she went to bed. This illustrates honor so clearly to me because of the way she honors his memory. She was showing how much she loved him and how heavily she valued him.

Honor is lacking in our world today. People hear the word and don’t understand what it really means. Because of this, they can’t do it and are suffering because of it. In the next few weeks, I want to go deeper into it and talk more about what it is, but also who we are to honor and what the benefits are because we walk in honor.

Understanding that to honor is to value, take some time this week to examine your life? Are you honoring those you should be honoring? Are you walking worthy of it yourself? Join the discussion by leaving a comment.

I appreciate you all!

Art

***Quotes above were found at:
http://www.goodreads.com

 

The True Strength of Marriage

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“I didn’t marry you because you were perfect. I didn’t even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them – it was that promise.”  -Thornton Wilder

Promises kept make for a strong marriage - social card

What do you think of when you think of marriage? What images pop into your thoughts when you hear that word? There are hundreds if not thousands of memes & social cards on the internet intended to be funny, sarcastic, sweet or inspirational concerning marriage. Many I’m sure were written with sincerity and from life experience… and many of them are just plain stupid!

Here’s one seen recently – “Marriage is when a man loses his Bachelor’s degree and a woman gets her Master’s degree”.

Simply put, the true strength of a marriage is not found in pithy inspirational quotes found on the internet. I don’t think it’s even the magic of finding the right person. I say this because even if it feels like they are the right person on day one, that’s no guarantee that it will feel like they are the right person on day 3,650. The flaw in thinking like this is that a strong marriage is going to be built on feelings at all and that is a false notion.  While feelings are good and a good marriage is capable of generating a boatload of good feelings, they are still not the standard that a strong marriage is measured by.

The strength of a marriage is not found in how much a man loves his woman and how committed he is to spending the rest of his live showing her (taken from a pintrest social card). This can’t work because a strong marriage can’t be built by a one sided effort.  I remember a couple who’s marriage had this problem.  I watched year after year, as one spouse did all they knew to do to be a good spouse.  The other would give strong effort once in a while.  Instead that person would comment that their spouse should just “love me as I am” but they themselves didn’t put forth very much effort to make good on their promises. Sadly, this couple didn’t make it.

The strength of a marriage comes from both people making covenant promises, and both hearts committing to keep them. God gave us promises and through hearing these promises and taking them to heart, we have faith in Him (Rom 10:17). God also tells us in Hebrews 6 that it’s the promises that He made to us and the oath that He swore with Abraham that have become an anchor for us when we are tempted to doubt His promises.  In that same way, our marriage becomes stronger when we hear each other make promises, and our marriage becomes anchored by those promises kept.

A strong marriage is built on strong promises.  To take it even deeper, a strong marriage is made more fulfilling when the wife sees and understands how serious her husband takes his promises.  I remember a story a minister was telling about a time he was counselling a couple who were having marital trouble.  The wife said “I want him to so such & such”, and the minister responded “No you don’t”, to which the wife said “I most certainly do!” The minister replied, “No, you don’t want him to do that, you want him to want to do that”.  And he was right.  It wasn’t just the act of doing what she wanted, she really wanted him to care enough about her to do it on his own.  She wanted him to want to help her.

The true strength of marriage is when both fully commit to each other, making a covenant pledge to selflessly work for their spouse’s good, and spend each day keeping their word.  Fulfilled promises make a strong marriage.

Have a serious look at your own relationships this week.  Have you made promises that you haven’t kept?  I encourage you this week to double down on your efforts to keep your covenant promises.

If this has helped you, please leave a comment & let me know.  I appreciate the feedback.  Also, please consider sharing this post with anyone you think it might help.

I appreciate you guys!

Art

Simple Guidelines For Making Great Decisions In 2016!

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Jeff Walker in his book Launch said that in a workshop that he was hosting, an attendee came up and asked him what was the one thing that made all the difference to him and his business success. The thing this man should be focusing on as his business grew. Jeff ‘s answer was this – Opportunity Cost.

Opportunity cost is a theory in Micro-economics.

www.netmba.com defines it this way – The value of the next best choice, that must be given up when making a decision.

www.wikipedia.com defines it this way – The value of the best alternative foregone, where a choice needs to be made between several mutually exclusive alternatives given limited resources.

Opportunity Cost image card

When I was a teenager, I started learning to play guitar. I used to lay in bed imagining myself playing my favorite songs in front of large audiences. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s ever had rock-star dreams. The thing is, I also liked hanging out with friends and I was getting interested in girls. While I did learn quite a bit about playing guitar, I knew several guys in my school who could play far better than I could. Why? Because they didn’t spend the majority of their time hanging out with their friends. When they had spare time, they were sitting on the edge of their bed practicing scales. Here is where we find the Opportunity Cost. There has to be a trade off.

We all have the same amount of time every week. We all get 168 hours to work with. While we would like to be awesome at everything we pursue, we simply can’t. We humans develop excellence through study & practice, so we can’t realistically expect to be stellar in every area of our lives. We need to make choices as to what we are going to give our time to because for everything we say yes to, we have to say no to something else. You will be saying no to opportunities in order to say yes to (hopefully) better opportunities.

“The chief cause of failure & unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now.”  -Zig Ziglar

One of my favorite Zig Ziglar quotes is: “The chief cause of failure & unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now”. Isn’t that sad? We sometimes short circuit our own long-term success because we run off after vain, short-term satisfaction.

Another favorite Zig Ziglar quote is “Success occurs when opportunity meets preparation.” Let’s take that to heart and take the time as we enter the new year to build a plan. Set a goal to make the life we dream of, a reality. As we make our plans, here are some things to consider:

  1. Look through the corners; Another thing I learned from Jeff Walker. If you only focus on what’s immediately in front of you, things will “suddenly” pop up in your field of vision and you will not be able to react in time. Make it a practice to look around the turns & see what’s coming before it gets here. Also, consider how your actions will affect your future. Wisdom sees down the road.
  2. The value of a good reputation is immeasurable.  Therefore, sacrificing a good reputation is not acceptable. When considering Opportunity cost, saying no to a solid, honorable reputation in order to achieve short-term gain is not worth the trade-off. Above money or power, your reputation will work for you, or against you. Protect it constantly.
  3. Money should be a byproduct of making the world a better place. When we focus on enriching the lives of those around us, we stand a better chance of finding happiness and fulfillment in our own lives. There’s a book by Marsha Sinetar called Do what you love and the money will follow. I believe this to be true unless your love is sleep. I haven’t seen anyone making a long term living at that one yet. I will say this though. There are now people making a living playing video games on youtube. No joke. The bottom line is that when money is at the top of the priority list, things are on shaky ground.

“Success occurs when opportunity meets preparation.” – Zig Ziglar

As we stand here staring square in the face of 2016, let’s examine not only our goals for the coming year and beyond, but also the opportunity cost to make them happen. If we carefully choose only the few truly important things we want this coming year, we can use these to guide our decisions about all the other things. The things that while eating up all of our time, don’t really get us where we want to be. Let’s get where we want to be in 2016! Let’s be strategic with our “Yes & No”. Say NO to good opportunities so you can say YES to great ones!

Happy New Year!

Five Steps You Can Take To Safeguard Yourself Against Online Porn.

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Several years ago we started a subscription to a popular satellite T.V. network.  Included in our initial subscription were a couple of premium channels.  They were a value added bonus for signing up that we would later need to start paying for if we wanted to keep them.  The night our subscription began, I sat down and started flipping through the channels only to discover that we had ALL the channels.  From what I could gather, apparently the satellite company had to install a block in order to keep the subscriber from receiving certain channels and they had not done that yet.  I began surfing through all the new stuff.  You don’t want to settle on anything until you have seen everything that’s available.  You don’t want to start something you would probably enjoy only to find out that you missed something that you might have enjoyed more.  As I was surfing along, I started running across channels I did not need to see.  I’m a man.  Men are visually stimulated when it comes to sex.  There are a lot of things that I can see and it might not ever register in my mind that I saw it.  There are other things that I can see for just a millisecond and I am consciously aware immediately that I saw it.  The naked female form is one of those.

Be Faithful computer graphic image card

As I was bouncing through the channels, I ran across several in a row that “Snagged” my attention.  I got up, went to my wife, handed her the remote and told her to put a parental block on everything that was rated R and above, and that she was to be the only one who could unblock any program.  If I needed to see something, I would come get her to unblock that program.  We needed to keep that block on the TV for a few days because it took that long for the satellite company to block those channels.  That did two things.  It removed access and created oversight.  I know that for the most part I probably would have been fine, but I am not deceived.  I also know that I get tired and I would be a fool to think that I would not be tempted.  The simple answer was to create accountability.  There were a couple of times before the satellite company put the blocks in place that I had to go ask my wife to unblock a show, but by doing this, she was made aware of what I was watching and could question any of the programs.

While the Internet is a truly remarkable tool, It is also shark infested water.  While there are those out there who don’t see the harm in pornography, in reality, it corrupts our thinking toward the opposite sex and is actively destroying marriages all over the world.

In order to break free and stay free of the traps of pornography in this digital age, you have to first and foremost want to be free.  If you don’t really want to, or don’t really see the need, then any measure that someone else tries to force on you will not be successful.  However, If you’re serious about it, here are some practical, actionable steps that you can take.

  1. Remove internet access from your home. While this may seem a little drastic, it’s really a matter of how serious you are and whether or not you have help at home.  Accountability really helps in this fight but if you live alone you may need to restrict your internet access to the public library.
  2. Get the computer out in the open.  There was a time that I set my laptop on an end table in our living room and that was the primary place I would use it.  This gave me automatic oversight because everyone else frequented that room, and no one could do anything questionable on that computer with out running high risk of being caught.  I also did it so that my wife could see that I was serious about oversight and that I was willfully submitting to her accountability.  It also gave an example to my daughters of a dad who was practicing what he preached.
  3. Have a “Barge In” policy.  We have an office in our house.  It’s a converted bedroom.  This is where the desktop computer is.  It’s the most powerful computer in the house so I use it for stuff that’s heavy on graphics like video editing.  I have always told my wife and daughters that if I’m in the computer room with the door closed, they have the right to enter without knocking.  I want that for me and for them.
  4. No Net after Nine.  I heard a statistic in Bible school that most men are tempted to view pornography between the hours of 10 & midnight.  If you have struggled with this and seem to fall over and over again, make a rule for yourself that you will not get online after 9 p.m.   It’s much easier to avoid the temptation if you don’t go near a computer.
  5. Get an accountability buddy.  Ask the Lord to lead you concerning this.  It’s important that this person be someone you can truly trust.  Someone who is available and will help you with out judging or condemning you.  In order for this to be effective, you must make a solid decision to be honest with them.  It’s really pointless without honesty.

As you can see, the problem is not really the internet.  The real problem is isolation.  The enemy is always more affective in any temptation when he can get someone isolated and away from accountability and positive influences.  Just remember. Real freedom comes from a change of heart, not just a change of habit.  When porn is kept secret, it’s being protected.  Only when your heart is right and you really want to be rid of it will you make the choice to drag it into the light, become accountable and submit yourself to oversight.

If your serious, God can help.  Ask Him to show you what you need to see and to teach you what you need to know.  He will.  He’s faithful!  If you’re not sure about where you stand with God, I’ve created a pdf explaining all that God has done to reach you and how He has given you open access to Himself.  You can download that PDF by clicking here.  I’ve also created a short video to explain what to do and walk you through the process.  You can access that video by clicking here.

To learn more and to get additional help with porn addiction, please check out the sites below.

http://www.xxxchurch.com/

http://www.covenanteyes.com/

http://www.fredstoeker.com/

I just want to take a minute and thank each of you who reads and participates in my blog.  I appreciate you all more than you know.

I have struggled recently to post consistently because of my job demanding so much time.  After prayerful consideration, I have decided to change my primary post day to Monday.  I have found that I have more time to prepare quality content and get more engagement when I have posted at the beginning of the week instead of the beginning of the weekend.

I would ask you again to share this if it has been helpful and if you think it could help someone else.

Honoring God by Honoring an Absentee Father.

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When your dad has left your family behind and moved on, Father’s Day can feel a little awkward.  It’s sometimes hard to know what you should do because you may not want to do anything except maybe, well…  I’m reminded of the character Gary from the movie Parenthood (The movie starring Steve Martin, not the stupid series where everyone talks over the top of everyone else).  Gary was played by a young Joaquin Phoenix – although in the movie he’s credited as Leaf Phoenix.  Gary was about 13 and couldn’t understand why his Dad kept ignoring him and pushing him away.  Finally Gary understood that his Dad didn’t want Gary to be a part his new family.  Gary broke down and then broke into his Dad’s dentist office.  He tore the place up.  Gary did what many others have wished they could do.  Gary acted out on his deep hurt.  Most people just internalize it and let it poison them.  The hurt turns to bitterness.

I have been asked a question by some of my friends. Friends who know me pretty well. The question usually sounds like this “How can you have such a good attitude toward your Dad when he’s seemingly walked away and never looked back?”  One of my good friends who has both a son and a daughter said “As a dad, I just don’t see how a dad can walk away from his kids. I just don’t understand it at all”. My response has always been “I don’t either”.  For me personally, it’s foreign to my thinking.

When I think about myself, I think about how I try always to be a good guy. I work constantly to be a good example of what a good husband and father should be. In my life in general, my intentions are always good and I try not to do harm to anyone, ever. I try to be all the encouragement I can be. I unfortunately haven’t always been successful. I have sometimes “fleshed out” and been selfish. I have done and said things that have hurt people. I know I have. It may have been completely unintentional, or it may have been a stupid, short sightedness decision on my part that left someone else hurting, or in some cases it was intentional. I got my feelings hurt and reacted badly, saying & doing things on purpose that hurt others. It has happened. I have hurt people.

position open clearWe have a tendency to judge others by their outcome but judge ourselves by our intentions. Because of this we tend to put each other through the ringer. If I take an honest look at myself and my good intentions and I still manage to hurt people, even when I’m trying not to, then aren’t all of us are capable of hurting others?  That would include fathers, wouldn’t it?

I don’t believe for a minute that my Dad intended to hurt me or my brothers & sisters. He didn’t start his marriage off with my mom with the intention of blowing it up after a little over a decade. I am confident that he started off with boatloads of hope and a desire to build a life. He wants what we all want; to be happy. I suspect that  we were all just collateral damage in his pursuit of happiness.

As I said, I don’t believe that he intended to hurt us. That being said, I do think that he knows that he has. He doesn’t contact any of us. I’m not sure why.   I have had contact with some folks who do have contact with him though, and they say he’s a great guy. He’s well liked and influential. He’s the kind of guy that would help out someone in need. He’s a good guy. Because of that, it wouldn’t be right or honorable for me to judge him based only on my lack of experience with him.

Hugh BeaumontWe have a tendency to exalt the position of father and I don’t think that’s a mistake. I believe with all my heart that society is having many of the problems it is having primarily because of the absence of good fathers in the home. A father should be continually endeavoring to be all the father that God has created him to be. Unfortunately, we are filling these exalted positions with mere men. Mere men experience temptation, have fears, baggage, brokenness, issues, prejudices and some have an unresolved past. There was only one Ward Cleaver, and he was fiction (though I admire Hugh Beaumont quite a bit).

We have a tendency to judge others by their outcome but judge ourselves by our intentions.

Here’s what I do know.

I can’t govern myself based on how anyone does or doesn’t act toward me. I have to govern myself based on who I am. That’s really the bottom line. People have a tendency to live in a state of reaction to what others are doing. Because of this, when others aren’t particularly kind, people will retaliate or completely withdraw. People have a “You hurt me so I’m going to hurt you back” attitude without thinking that the other people are probably at least attempting to make the best decisions possible and that they may not be intentionally hurting you.

My responses to my Dad are a direct reflection, NOT of who he is, but of who I AM. If I’ve gone to God’s Word and discovered what His idea of a husband and a father is, and then I’ve conformed my life to it, then my actions should show it. If I have endeavored to be a man of honor, a man of integrity, a man of humility, a man who knows how to submit to authority, if I have become the best man I can be, then my actions should reflect only that.

Thank God that He (God) didn’t respond to us based on who we are. Instead, His actions show who He is.

Because of who He is, He loves us and gave His only begotten Son for us, all while we were yet sinners. (click here for more info).  If He can do that for us, then if we will draw near to Him and allow Him, He will build in us the character of a godly man or woman. Then we can look at a father who has not been there; a father who may have been abusive, a father who has struggled to be a father, and we can respond from what’s on the inside, Godly love and compassion.

My encouragement for you:

If your Dad is no longer with you, you can still do most of this advice.  Remember, this really comes down to you, not him and even if you have the best dad on planet Earth, you can still do this.

  • Fortify yourself. Get into God’s Word & allow God to reveal Himself to you and to build into you good, sturdy, Godly Love. This will strengthen you against hurt feelings and allow you to come into every situation from a position of strength based on God’s Love. Then only respond from that.  Remember, Honoring your Father is something you do for the rest of your life, not his.  Because honor is in the way you live. It’s a reflection of who you are more than what you do.
  • Cut him some slack. He’s a man. He’s got flaws just like you. There are no exceptions to God’s command to honor our fathers & mothers.  His behavior doesn’t let you off the hook.
  • Pray for your Dad. Get a picture of him and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Pray Colossians 1:9-11 for him every day. This is a Holy Spirit inspired prayer that Paul prayed for the Colossian church.  The reason the Holy Spirit would inspire such a prayer is because He wants to answer it.  We can have confidence that this is the will of God.  Below is this passage from the God’s Word translation. You can print it out & tape it near the picture on your mirror.  That way you’ll be reminded every day. Then continually thank God for working in your dad’s life.

Col 1:9 For this reason we have not stopped praying for you since the day we heard about you. We ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through every kind of spiritual wisdom and insight.

Col 1:10 We ask this so that you will live the kind of lives that prove you belong to the Lord. Then you will want to please him in every way as you grow in producing every kind of good work by this knowledge about God.

Col 1:11 We ask him to strengthen you by his glorious might with all the power you need to patiently endure everything with joy.

Undermining Your Own Credibility

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We’ve all done it.  Limited ourselves by our words.  Today I share insight in the video below on how word choice can cost you in influence.

 

I would love to hear what you think about this.  Have you ever noticed where someone was destroying their own credibility?  Please join the conversation and leave a comment.  If this is helpful to you and you think it can help someone else, please consider sharing.

Honoring my Elders in the Faith.

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In the same way you younger people must submit yourselves to your elders. And all of you must put on the apron of humility, to serve one another; for the scripture says, “God resists the proud, but shows favor to the humble.” 1Pe 5:5 GNB.

Today I just want to take a minute to express how thankful I am to know and to have been able to serve with, and under the direction of Jim & Marian Large.

Jim Large

Jim Large

 

In April of 2006, we came to Oklahoma for a Bible school “Get Acquainted” weekend. During that time we had a chance to take a bus tour around Tulsa and Jim was our bus driver. I remember him because his tour was filled with lots of interesting information about where the names Oklahoma, Tulsa & Broken Arrow came from. When it was time to take everyone back to their hotel, we were the last ones left on the bus so Jim parked the bus at the ministry and drove us back to our hotel in his own personal vehicle. Later, my family and I moved to Oklahoma so I could attend Bible school. During my first week of my first year, I filled out a volunteer application for several areas of service at church. The first area of ministry to call me back was the Altar Care ministry and the team I was assigned to was led by Jim & his lovely wife Marian. I served under their oversight for the next few years.

In the fall of 2009 they asked me to help them as their assistant, to assist them when they served, but also to cover for them when they were away. I served in that capacity until February 1st of this year. Last week they also stepped down from serving in Altar Care. Jim has served faithfully for the last 29 years and Marian for the last 24. I wanted to take this occasion to thank them for their faithful service. I also want to just express how much I love them both and have appreciated their love, faith, honor and example over the last several years. The things that I have learned from them are so very precious to me and I take nothing for granted.

“The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.”
― William Arthur Ward

From their example I have learned how to affectively minister to those who are seeking God, and those who desire a closer relationship with Him. I’ve learned how to keep moving forward in the face of health challenges. They have demonstrated to us all how to stand in the face of adversity, even when it comes from unexpected places, and how to walk in forgiveness. Above all, they have been excellent examples of how to walk by faith. They are some of the most stable people I know. I have always seen them do the right thing even when it seemed like their faithfulness and commitment were not appreciated.

Jim & Marian Large cropped

Jim & Marian

It has been my honor to have served with them and I look forward to our continued friendship.

People who are as faithful as they are can only expect increase and blessing in the future. I am confident that God has great things in store for them.

God arranges divine connections to help us to grow and learn what He needs us to know in order to fulfill our calling and destiny. I have no doubt that my friendship with Jim and Marian was a divine arrangement. I am a product of their faithfulness and I am forever thankful.

“Remember that mentor leadership is all about serving. Jesus said, “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45).”
― Tony Dungy, The Mentor Leader: Secrets to Building People and Teams That Win Consistently

God bless you both as you take the next step in His plan for you.