Category Archives: Caring

Marriage to enjoy, or endure. The choice is yours.

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I don’t drive with the radio on very often.  When I’m in the car I’m very often praying.  A few months ago while I was driving to work I was meditating of the mercy of God.  It was quiet in the car and I wasn’t making any noise, I was just thinking about how merciful the Lord is and how faithful He is to show mercy.  All of the sudden, the Lord began to deal with my heart about my marriage.  I have a good marriage and I pay attention to the kind of husband I am.  Sometimes though, we get lazy in our thinking and just assume that it’s ok.  Our marriage is the backdrop for our lives and always running in the background – sometimes being ignored.  A good marriage takes intentional thinking though, and I was not being intentional about it that often.  The Lord impressed upon me that my wife had not made a plan B.  Our marriage was it.  Her happiness and fulfillment were in my very hands.  I can not be 100% responsible for her being happy or fulfilled but I could be 100% responsible if she wasn’t.  I need to build & keep an environment of love and protection around her so that she can grow to find her own happiness & fulfillment.  I was being shown that I need to be watchful that I don’t make her suffer for choosing me.  If she was going to be truly happy & reach her full potential in this life, I was going to be a part of it.  I realized more clearly in that moment that if I wasn’t intentional with the way I treated her, I could give her a life that instead of loving and enjoying, she would have to just endure.  It woke me up.

linked fingers

I love my wife and want the very best for her always.  When the Lord deals with me like that, I really take it seriously.    God doesn’t just have a plan for my life.  He has a plan for her life too.  His plan for me and my wife will be intertwined and it will be much easier for both of us to make it to our full potential if we are both in our place and following the Lord’s plan for us.  God cares as much for her and my children as He does for me.  We are all on equal footing when we approach Him.  God has no grandchildren.

God’s instruction to us as husbands in Ephesians 5:25 is to love our wives as Christ loves the church.  How did Christ show his love to the church?  He gave himself for it.  We as husbands need to have this attitude in our marriage.  I like the words that Paul the Apostle used in 2 Corinthians 12:15 when he said “And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you, though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved”.  Our love to our wife is a gift we must give.  She can’t take it, it must be given.  We need to have a “very gladly spend and be spent” attitude when it comes to her.  One last thing.  You need to consider yourself the bottom line in your relationship with your wife.  Don’t wait for her to satisfy all of your needs before you even try to make her happy.  You do your part now,  you do your part continually and you do your part no matter what!

Victors, Victims & Forgiveness

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I wanted to write about forgiveness in the blog post this week.  My problem was that I had this big ugly area in my life where I was holding onto a little bit of a grudge. I had to get it resolved so that I wasn’t being a total hypocrite when I talked to you about forgiveness.  That’s right, I’m just like you.  I face it too.  I also get the wonderful opportunities to wallow in my own self pity.  The thing is though, when you know what to do, God expects you to do what you know.  Have you ever thought about it?  Not doing what you know to do is really just increasing your disobedience to God.  There’s a short word for that, it’s called sin.  This is the reason why I’m publishing late. For those who look for my posts and miss them when they don’t show, I’m sorry.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is releasing someone from debt.  It may be that you were hurt physically from an act of violence or you were hurt emotionally by mean or inconsiderate people. You may actually have a monetary debt that you owe.  Either way you look at it, forgiveness is always tied to debt.  There can be no forgiveness if nothing is owed.

Let’s look at the word “Owe” for a second.  Owe is something that is either earned or comes through entitlement. It’s owed to them, it’s a debt.  This is especially true in the area of respect.  There are some people that we should respect just purely based on their position.  If we can’t respect them, we need to at least respect the position.  This is owed.  It’s due and it should be paid.  If you consider what I wrote about last week about unfulfilled expectations, there are things that we think are owed us but are not.  We think we deserve them but we don’t.  It’s a slippery slope when you start thinking about what you deserve, or you have expectations that you have no right to have.  You need to have a close look at yourself & be honest.  Is it really owed to me?

Forgiveness happens when we release people from the obligation of paying the debt.  We let them off the hook.  Matt. 6:15 says “But if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”.  Forgiveness for the Christian is not an option.  There is no condition found in the Bible where it’s okay to hang onto unforgiveness.  We see and interesting story in Matthew 18:23-35.  The bottom line of the story is that if the Heavenly Father can forgive what He has forgiven, He’s within His right to expect us to forgive also.

Forgiveness is all about you.  All of the control and responsibility of forgiveness totally rests in your hands.  No one else can do this for you.  If you won’t do it, it won’t get done.  Here are some things that helped me to do the right thing this week.

  1. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  When I hold a grudge, it’s not hurting the person I’m upset with nearly as much as it’s hurting me.  When I forgive, I’m really allowing myself to move on and have some peace.
  2. It always involves making a choice.  Forgiveness always follows the choice to forgive.  I read somewhere this week that when a person says “I can forgive but I can’t forget”, what they are really saying is “I won’t forgive”.  Very often unforgiveness is the very thing that’s keeping you from being able to move forward.  In order to get better, you need to release the debt.
  3. Forgiveness takes away your victim status.  When you are hurt and have not forgiven, you get to be pitiful and feel sorry for yourself.  Don’t be deceived though, that’s weakness.  Strong people don’t feel sorry for themselves.  If you are tired of being a victim and want to take control of your own direction in your life, then you need to stop reacting to what others are doing to you and instead decide how your will respond.  Acting from an decision is way better than acting from an injury.  You are also saying that though this may hurt, it will not be the determining factor in what you do next.  That will come from you and you alone.  Forgiveness is really one of the first steps toward becoming strong.  By forgiving, you are breaking the yoke off of your own neck and taking away the problem or injury’s control over you.

It would be unjust for God to require something from you that you are unable to do.  Since He gives us no options when it comes to forgiveness, we know that:

  1. We can do it.  He would not ask if it were impossible.
  2. It’s important that we do it.  What many people don’t realize is the spiritual implications of not walking in forgiveness.  If you won’t forgive, God can’t forgive you.

“Accept important apologies you never received.  If you love someone and you want to forgive them, Relieve them of the need to apologize to you, for anything.”  www.marcandangel.com

So what now?  I issue this challenge.  In the next 30 days, take at least two practical steps toward resolving unforgiveness in your own life.  There are people who have hurt you or owe you somehow, find a way to let them off the hook.  In the long run you’ll be glad you did.  God’s way is always the best.  What are some practical ways to demonstrate forgiveness?  Let me hear your thoughts by leaving a comment.

Overcoming Regret & Unfulfilled Expectations.

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I was thinking of a minister I saw on Christian television several years ago.  I don’t remember his name, but he was relating the story of attending his dad’s funeral.  This minister’s dad was estranged from the family and had nothing to do with his children.  This minister confessed that as he was sitting there in the service, he began to cry.  The Holy Spirit prompted his heart as if to ask “Why are you crying?”  This man shared that he was crying because there was no relationship, but there was supposed to be.  There was no fellowship but there was supposed to be.  His father should have been a good part of his life but now he was gone and so were the chances that it would ever happen.  This is the cry of the heart for everyone that has a broken relationship with their dad or mom.  This used to bother me quite a bit.  What if we never get it fixed?

This minister began to share how the Lord ministered to his heart.  The Lord showed him that all of the “Would have, Should have, Could have” that he was mourning over actually only existed in him.  What it really amounted to was this: he had unfulfilled expectations of his father.  He had an image in his mind of what he believed makes up a good father, and his dad fell short in every area.  There were a lot of things that he thought should have been and a lot of things that could have happened if only his dad would have done things differently.

expectations-danger-signNo one is supposed to love you like your mom & dad.  They are supposed to be there when everyone else blows away.  Right?  We suppose that when things get weird, they will have our back.  While that may be the standard for what we ultimately expect from mom & dad, reality tells a different story.  According to a 2012 article by Luke Rosiak, published in the Washington Times, 1 in 3 U.S. children live with out a father, and nearly 5 million live without a mother.  In 1960, just 11 percent lived without a father and in 2012 it’s at 33 percent!

While it hurts to watch your parents turn against one another and blow up your family, it’s a special kind of suck when one of your parents leaves and virtually kicks you to the curb, never having anything to do with you again.  Having suffered through that, I have a special place in my heart for those I see suffering through it too.  That’s one of the reasons this website & blog came to be.  God has helped me beyond measure to grow, cope & ultimately become strong in spite of being left twisting in the breeze. Now He wants to use me to help you.

This minister’s story helped me because:

  • I realized that I wasn’t alone in this.  Others had faced the same issues.  My suffering was not unique and there were others who had been down that same road, and knew what I felt and could help me.
  • I need to respond to reality, not my unfulfilled expectations. Deal with what was, not what wasn’t.
  • It’s not that we want our moms & dads to be great moms & dads, we want them to WANT TO be great moms & dads.  It’s hard to understand when they don’t WANT TO.
  • I began to realize that the pain was coming from me not him.  When I realized that, I was able to get a better perspective about things.
  • I decided to stop expecting anything.  I try not to put any burden or expectation on my mom & dad.  I just want to love and honor them.  I am just grateful for what they have given me and I take full responsibility to do all that I can to be a good son.  One that doesn’t cause shame but instead causes the light of honor to shine on them.
  • Shortcomings on their part do not justify shortcomings on my part.  I will no longer allow myself to use this as an excuse to be less than I know I should be. I will do what I know to do even if I’m the only one doing it.

Will we ever get it fixed?  I don’t know.  I take my part seriously and will do all I can to be a good son.  I will continue to honor my dad and take all available opportunities to tell him so.  I have this confidence that once we both pass into eternity, it will all be made right.  If need be, I can endure until then.

There are few things in life that can hurt more than a parent’s rejection.  Has this happened to you?  How did you cope?  Join the community and the conversation. Please leave a comment.  Your comments can minister to someone else.  If this helped you or you think you know someone it could help, please share it.

When it comes to people, are you hindering your own progress?

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I have had different people over the years that have had a profound affect on me. There have been times when people have spoken things either in a public forum or directly to me that have been just what I needed to hear at the time. When this sort of thing happens to you, you become grateful and when you get an opportunity, you want to shake their hand and thank them for the influence they have had on you.  I don’t know how many times though, I have approached some of these people and then walked away wishing I hadn’t even tried? They were cold and unengaged and sometimes they were outright rude. Have you ever experienced this?  Walking away wishing you hadn’t even made the effort?  I have gone to people with the good intention of being gracious and thankful and walked away thinking to myself “I’m going to have to pray for a long time to get past this”.

Dog feeding lamb

During my first term in bible school I had a class called Spiritual Growth Principles. Besides teaching classes in the school, my instructor for that class is also the National Director of ministerial association connected with the school and the director of the alumni association.  He’s a busy guy.  He goes by Brother Doug.  The first day of class Brother Doug was there early and began working his way around the room. He shook hands with, introduced himself to, and asked everyone in the room their name. There were over 200 students in that class. He then admonished all of us to introduce ourselves to the people around us. His comment was “You’re going to school to go into the ministry but don’t care enough about the people around you to introduce yourself?”. This marked me. If we really do care about people, we need to take this to heart.

The summer between my 1st & 2nd year of bible school, my hometown pastor became sick and died. Brother Doug called me on my cell phone during my lunch hour at work.  I’m not sure where he got my number. He called to let me know what had happened as he had been in contact with my hometown pastor & his family. Brother Doug gave me his cell phone number and invited me to call him if I needed anything. I never called but I was grateful for the invitation. Please understand, I’m not trying to glorify Doug Jones.  My point is that he REALLY cares about people. He has thousands of people contacting him but he took time to help one.  He’s not interested in building fame. He’s interested in what the Father is interested in. The sheep.

Jeff Goins is the author of the book Wrecked – When a broken world slams into your comfortable life as well as several e-books and articles. He’s also a blogger & entrepreneur that I follow and I have found him very insightful. According to Allwebsitestats.nl, Jeff’s website goinswriter.com has over 500,000 visitors per month with over 900,000 page views. I’m pointing all of this out because when I reached out to Jeff through Twitter with a question that had been bothering me for a while, Jeff not only answered my question, but started following me on Twitter and wrote a blog post about the subject I asked about. Apparently I wasn’t the only one struggling with that issue. Since I have been following Jeff, he has consistently demonstrated that he cares about people, wants to help them and works to add value in others.

On the other hand, I have reached out to people who I respected and told them how much they helped me only to get absolutely no response at all….just crickets.  I remember one time being really disappointed and thinking “Wow! I’m not important enough to even acknowledge”.  Now I understand that a public figure can have a large number of people trying to reach out to them and I think it could possibly feel over-whelming.  That day though, they hurt their ability to reach into my life by not responding.

That’s my point really.  People are important.  They are important to God.  They should be important to us.  People are the reason Jesus came, died, rose from the dead and is now seated at God’s right hand.  It was God’s love for people that brought about His entire plan.  How you and I treat others now has a direct effect on whether we can affectively help them in the future.  What we say and how we say it will either open them up to receive or close them down to reject our help and our message. Proverbs 16:21  says “The wise in heart shall be called prudent: and the sweetness of the lips increases learning”.  The way you speak to and treat people will determine how much or little you will be heard.  It all comes down to trust.  If I were to state on my social media profile “I love people” but then I ruin my ability to help or influence you because of my actions and bad behavior, I am sending two completely different messages.  The one you have to believe is the one that’s reflected by the fruit (Mat 7:16 & 20).  Many people hurt their own credibility by how they act toward others.

mother_teresa_photoWe all have a tendency to hear this stuff and immediately think of someone we know who could stand to hear it.  I really want you to have a look at yourself though.  You’re the only one you can control and change.  Are you valuing and helping others or are you hindering your own ability to reach into their lives and help them?  What can you change in your responses to others that would create a better outcome?

I really want to just encourage you to take a honest look at how you see others.  Are they “Those creepy people who wont leave me alone”? or do you see them as valuable and worthy of your time and attention?  Are there people you know you should be helping that you aren’t?  How can you step it up and be more effective?

Please join the conversation by leaving a comment.  I look forward to our discussions.  Also – If you think this can help someone, please share or forward it.