Monthly Archives: October 2014

Parenting Guidelines that Made the Difference for Me.

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Father Kissing NewbornI have always tried to tow the line when it came to my kids.  If my kids were not allowed somewhere, I didn’t go either.  It was always important to me to not be false or hypocritical to them.  I wasn’t perfect at this but I really tried.  My thinking was that if they couldn’t do it, then I couldn’t either.  As it turned out, this was much easier for me than it was for them.  In a recent conversation that I had with my daughters, they confessed that in school, they often felt like the “weirdoes” because they were not allowed to do and see what many of their friends were allowed to do and see.  While some may see me as too strict, I see me as a parent.  When my children were born, I made a commitment in my heart to be the best dad that I could be.  I decided that it was one of my primary purposes to get them to self sufficient adulthood in the best shape that I could.  For me that meant that I needed to be present in their lives.  I needed to know what they were facing and struggling with.  I needed to hear what they were hearing and see what they were seeing and help them get perspective.

 

Some parents may argue that I should have let them find their own way and let them decipher the world for themselves.  For a parent to just allow their child to “find their own way” indicates that the parent hasn’t found any truth for themselves that they thought was worthy to be passed on or to be taught to their children.  I have found profound truth in my own life and journey that has made me a new man and shaped my life for the best.  I think that is very worthy to pass on to my children.  I’m not interested in leaving them twisting in the wind, grasping for direction with out my help or guidance.

“Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.”  ― W.E.B. Du Bois

When God chose Abraham, He (God) said “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which He hath spoken of him” Gen 18:19 (KJV).  God chose Abraham specifically because of this.  He knew Abraham would pass it on.  God is looking for parents to pass on the truths that they know to their children. God loves your kids as much as He loves you.  He doesn’t want them hurt & struggling either.  You are in their life to instruct, correct, guide and help them.  Don’t be slack about it.  They need you.

“One of the most important things we adults can do for young children is to model the kind of person we would like them to be.”  – Carol B. Hillman

Deuteronomy 6:6 & 7 (BBE) “Keep these words, which I say to you this day, deep in your hearts; Teach them to your children with all care, talking of them when you are at rest in your house or walking by the way, when you go to sleep and when you get up”.
It’s interesting to me that the Hebrew word for Teach used here means to sharpen, or to whet.  That implies repetitiveness.  When you sharpen a blade, you grind it against a whet stone over and over until you get the keenest edge possible on your blade.  When you’re teaching your children, it involves correction and instruction, over and over, hearing and hearing. This is how confidence comes (see Rom 10:17).

What is the promise for children who hear and follow the Godly instruction of their parents?  Ephesians 6:1-3 tells us. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.  Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with you , and that you may life long on the earth”.
Who doesn’t want that for their children?

What’s the take-away here?  Parents, don’t be afraid to be parents.  Take time to pray for your kids and/or grandkids. Ask God to give you the wisdom and influence to have the maximum impact on their lives for good.  He loves them and has put you in their lives to help them.  That is His will.  He loves you too and He wants to help you be all you can be to your children.

Bill Cosby QuoteI also can’t overstate the importance of being led by the Lord when it comes to being a good parent.  There have been times where I wanted to be corrective to my daughters but sensed a little “check” down in my heart that now was not the time to be corrective.  There have been times when I sensed that I needed to be tougher then I would normally be.  The Lord knows the situation and will steer us.  Dads in particular run the risk of being too heavy handed and can leave their children feeling like they can’t do anything right.  The Lord will help you to know what to do and how to read your situation.

I am not your friend. I am your parent.  I will stalk you, flip out on you. Lecture, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare and hunt you down when needed. Because I Love You. – Seen on a wall hanging.

What has helped you to be a better parent?  What tips can you share that would help other readers in our community?  Please leave your comments and advice.  If this has helped you and you think it can help others, please help spread the word about artmills.org and also share this post.  Thank you all.  I appreciate you!

Hard Knocks University. What’s Your Major?

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“The school of hard knocks”.  We’ve all heard that phrase.  I’ve been hearing it most of my life.  I might have even said it.  Usually when we hear it, someone is referring to the lessons that they have learned by suffering through negative situations in their life.  It often occurs when you ignor sound advice and life gives you a good spanking.  I think I can safely say that we’ve all experienced THAT!

“The school of hard knocks” is a phrase coined by Elbert Hubbard.  According to a verified statement on Wikipedia, He used the phrase 1st in an article he wrote about himself in 1902.

“So that is how I got my education, such as it is. I am a graduate of the University of Hard Knocks, and I’ve taken several postgraduate courses.”  Elbert Hubbard.

I can not count the times in my own life, especially as a teen, you know, back when I knew everything, that I broke the rules, ignored sound advice, maybe even a law or two and ended up suffering for it.  Maybe even bleeding a little in the process.  I don’t know if this is true for everyone, but there was a time in my life that, even though I knew things were wrong, I wanted to test the water for myself.  I wanted to see how far I could take it.  This may happen with teenage boys more than anyone.  As a dad, this is where I get a lot of my sage advice.  I have real life experience as to why some things are stupid and shouldn’t be messed with.  Unfortunately, we as parents don’t want to tell our kids WHY we know what we know.  That would put the “But you did it!?!” argument in play.

Sunflower Mom told you quote

Anyone who has been on planet Earth for any length of time at all has had life take a swing at them. Suffering doesn’t always mean you made a bad decision. Often we will be the victims of the fallout of someone else’s bad judgment.  Difficulties come though, and we will all have to contend with tragedy, suffering, crazy people and the results of our own bad ideas.   The important thing is that there will be a lesson in each one of them.  The wise will learn the lesson and be better for it. When the same thing starts to happen in the future, the wise will see it coming and be able to navigate appropriately.  The fool on the other hand will not see it coming because they didn’t learn the lesson. They will get kicked again and wonder why their life is so hard.

The entire 4th chapter of the book of Proverbs is about inclining your ear to wisdom.  I encourage you to read it in many different translations.  It will help you.  The part that stands out the most to me begins is verse 20.

Pro 4:20 My son, give attention to my words; let your ear be turned to my sayings. 21 Let them not go from your eyes; keep them deep in your heart. 22 For they are life to him who gets them, and strength to all his flesh. 23 And keep watch over your heart with all care; so you will have life. 24 Put away from you an evil tongue, and let false lips be far from you.  25 Keep your eyes on what is in front of you, looking straight before you.  26 Keep a watch on your behaviour; let all your ways be rightly ordered.  27 Let there be no turning to the right or to the left, keep your feet from evil. (BBE version)

Recently I read a comment that nailed it concerning this.  It was essentially this: A wise man learns from his mistakes.  The wisest of men learn from the mistakes of others.  When it comes to the school of hard knocks:

  • Learn from your mistakes.  In each situation there’s a lesson.  The wise will search it out and learn it.
  • Apply it.  I’ve heard wisdom defined as the “Skillful application of knowledge”.  I like that.  Wisdom is knowledge applied.  You can’t be wise in an area where you have no understanding. Once you’ve got the lesson though, use it!
  • Learn from the mistakes of others.  This is excellent advice.  When you apply your heart to find wisdom, you can see the lessons all around you.  There’s no rule that says YOU have to be the one to take the beating.  You can let fools do that and you can learn from their mistake.
  • Help others when they ask for it.  Notice I didn’t say when they need it.  The truth is that even if someone needs your advice, if they don’t want it, they will not receive it.  You have to make certain that YOU have the position in their life to speak to them about certain things.  There are people in my life that probably see things in me that they may have deeper understanding about, but they are not close enough to me and don’t have the position to speak to me about them.  The wise understand this and don’t force things.  Sometimes all you can do is stand at the ready and pray for people.  Maybe God will open an opportunity for you to advise them.  If not, then just keep your pearls to yourself.  Do you realize that even God is limited by what we will receive?  He can not help us based on what we need.  He has the power and the desire to fix our stuff but He’s completely limited by our own faith.  He can only help us as we have the faith to receive His help.  He will not force anything on us.  In like manner, you shouldn’t force your stuff on others.
To make no mistake is not in the power of man; but from their errors and mistakes the wise and good learn wisdom for the future. – Plutarch

Sadly, the only real diploma from the University of Hard Knocks is a death certificate.  If your faith is in Jesus Christ, then that will be a time of great joy.  If it’s not, CLICK HERE.  The little you’ve been faithful over will then be turned into much.  Just remember, in the school of hard knock you can learn without taking the beatings for yourself.  Apply your heart to wisdom and your life will be better and your suffering will be less.

What’s one lesson you learned from the school of Hard Knocks?  The floor is yours.  Please leave a comment and share your wisdom.  If this is helpful to you, feel free to share.

Are You Ready To Step Beyond Yourself?

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Do you have a giving heart?  A heart that tends toward generosity?  I’m not just talking about giving money to the guy standing at the side of the interstate ramp holding a sign.  I’m talking about having a HEART toward giving where your default setting is generous.  I have an uncle who is very special to me.  He is like that.  His default setting is to help others.  He has served as a great example to me of what a person can do if they only take the time to care about people.

Helping handWe all seem to know people who are not this way.  People who seem to be self absorbed. The “self focused”.  To some the primary concern is how people see me, while others want the latest model car and the house that keeps up with the Jones’.  Most of the time these people only talk about themselves and manage to find ways to always bring the conversation back around to them.  These people do not seem to be interested in others and while they may have thoughts of helping people, they do not have these thoughts very often.  As Michael Hyatt has often said “These people are tuned in to the WIIFM channel.  What’s In It For Me”.

We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give. – Winston Churchill

To have a giving heart, you have to be convinced that God has your back.  If you don’t have an understanding of this, you will have a hard time because you will be torn between being responsible to meet your own needs and reaching out to be selflessly generous to others.  Jesus said in Matthew 6:25,28,31 & 34 that we are to “Take no thought” for the natural things; What we should eat, drink or wear.  He wasn’t saying don’t ever think about these things, but he was saying don’t “Be Anxious” (WEB) about them.  “…for your Heavenly Father knows that you need all of these things.  But seek first God’s kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things will be given to you as well”.  When we understand this and have confidence in our Heavenly Father to meet all of our needs, we can operate from a position of strength.  A position as Heirs.  A position as representatives of the family of God, conducting the Father’s business in the earth.

Having this confidence allows us to step beyond ourselves and operate as the Father would operate.  To truly care about people knowing that as we truly seek His kingdom, He takes personal responsibility for providing what we need.  We have the Father’s heart toward people and really care about them.

Some earmarks of a giving heart are:

  1. A heart that is touched by the need.  Hebrews 4:15 says Jesus himself was touched by the feelings of our feeble flesh.  In contrast, a heart that is calloused by years of me first thinking and selfishness will not see the importance.  Not My Problem. When we read in Isaiah 59 we find that God himself looked and saw that there was no judgment in the earth.  The people needed an intercessor but that one could not be found, so He sent His own son, (His Right Arm), to be an intercessor.  God Himself looked and saw the need and it displeased Him.  A giving heart will be like that in allowing the need to move them to at least pray, and if the Spirit leads, move them to action.
  2. A heart that doesn’t condemn.  People have problems and sometimes our tendency is to look and say “I just don’t know how they could have done that”.  But you are not faced with what they have faced and you are not in their shoes.  It is so important to understand that we should NEVER judge others.  The bible warns that when we judge others we are condemning ourselves.  Why? Because when you judge others, you are saying that you know right and wrong in that situation.  When you blow it, your own words condemn you.  In John 8:11 Jesus asked the woman who was caught in adultery where her accusers were.  “Has no man condemned thee? She said, “No man Lord”.  And Jesus said unto her, “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more”.  There is more than one lesson here.  Jesus didn’t condemn her, but Jesus also didn’t approve of her sin.  His words were sin no more!
  3. A heart that speaks.  First, a heart that speaks for those who have can not speak.  A heart that is moved to action and to raise awareness.  Second, a heart that speaks to the wounded heart.  You have the power to minister encouragement to the wounded.  You can use your voice to bring words of faith and hope to those who need it most; to take a hand and say “You’re not alone in this”.
  4. A heart that doesn’t wait for someone else to do it.  If we are moved by compassion to help, then don’t wait.  You could be the very answer someone is praying for.  You could be the hands, feet & provision of God to a person in need.  Don’t wait for someone else to do it and miss your opportunity to sow good seeds for a future harvest.
  5. A heart that is willing to be spent.  Paul the Apostle in 2 Corinthians 12 indicated that he didn’t want to be burdensome to the Corinthian church because he didn’t want their stuff, but them.  He said that he would “Very gladly spend and be spent for you…”  A giving heart will spend expecting nothing in return so that others can be blessed.

I challenge you this week to reach out to help someone above and beyond your normal activity.  Step out beyond yourself a little more and see how God will use you to help someone. Take the bridle off of the goodness in your heart and see what happens.  You will be blessed, but you will not be the only one.

That’s what I consider true generosity. You give your all, and yet you always feel as if it costs you nothing. – Simone De Beauvoir

How were you able to help someone this week?  I would love to hear your story.  Join the party and leave a comment.  If you were helped by this and think it could help others, please feel free to share it.

Marriage to enjoy, or endure. The choice is yours.

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I don’t drive with the radio on very often.  When I’m in the car I’m very often praying.  A few months ago while I was driving to work I was meditating of the mercy of God.  It was quiet in the car and I wasn’t making any noise, I was just thinking about how merciful the Lord is and how faithful He is to show mercy.  All of the sudden, the Lord began to deal with my heart about my marriage.  I have a good marriage and I pay attention to the kind of husband I am.  Sometimes though, we get lazy in our thinking and just assume that it’s ok.  Our marriage is the backdrop for our lives and always running in the background – sometimes being ignored.  A good marriage takes intentional thinking though, and I was not being intentional about it that often.  The Lord impressed upon me that my wife had not made a plan B.  Our marriage was it.  Her happiness and fulfillment were in my very hands.  I can not be 100% responsible for her being happy or fulfilled but I could be 100% responsible if she wasn’t.  I need to build & keep an environment of love and protection around her so that she can grow to find her own happiness & fulfillment.  I was being shown that I need to be watchful that I don’t make her suffer for choosing me.  If she was going to be truly happy & reach her full potential in this life, I was going to be a part of it.  I realized more clearly in that moment that if I wasn’t intentional with the way I treated her, I could give her a life that instead of loving and enjoying, she would have to just endure.  It woke me up.

linked fingers

I love my wife and want the very best for her always.  When the Lord deals with me like that, I really take it seriously.    God doesn’t just have a plan for my life.  He has a plan for her life too.  His plan for me and my wife will be intertwined and it will be much easier for both of us to make it to our full potential if we are both in our place and following the Lord’s plan for us.  God cares as much for her and my children as He does for me.  We are all on equal footing when we approach Him.  God has no grandchildren.

God’s instruction to us as husbands in Ephesians 5:25 is to love our wives as Christ loves the church.  How did Christ show his love to the church?  He gave himself for it.  We as husbands need to have this attitude in our marriage.  I like the words that Paul the Apostle used in 2 Corinthians 12:15 when he said “And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you, though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved”.  Our love to our wife is a gift we must give.  She can’t take it, it must be given.  We need to have a “very gladly spend and be spent” attitude when it comes to her.  One last thing.  You need to consider yourself the bottom line in your relationship with your wife.  Don’t wait for her to satisfy all of your needs before you even try to make her happy.  You do your part now,  you do your part continually and you do your part no matter what!