Monthly Archives: September 2014

The “Do What’s Right” 4 Step Action Plan.

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Say this sentence out loud.  The bad behavior of others does not excuse me from doing what I know is right.  Consider writing that on a post it note and sticking it on your bathroom mirror so you can read it while you brush your teeth.  Better yet, print this out. pouting lipsThere have been many times in my life when I have used the behavior of others as an excuse to slip below my own standards and act out too.  Was I right?  Absolutely not.  I may have thought I was at the time though.  Surely anyone looking at my situation would agree, I had the right to act the way I did.  Poor me!

This thinking comes from a specific mind set. 

A victim mentality.  “I can’t help acting this way, look at how they treated me!” (Bottom lip sticking out).  That statement is not true though.  We can ALWAYS help it.  I like the illustration Rev. Keith Moore uses.  A man who habitually beats his wife says “I just can’t help it! I get so angry I just lose it”, but when you set him next to a 350 lb. line backer who can break him in half if he gets violent, some how the wife beater will find the strength to restrain himself.  This is true with all of us.  We don’t have to act from our feelings.

The bad behavior of others does not excuse me from doing what I know is right.

When people judge you unjustly, speak evil of you or are generally mean spirited, it never feels good! Ever! No one likes it when that happens.  But the true test of a person’s strength and character is found when they stand up and do what’s right even when every feeling in them is shouting for justice or revenge.

Supernatural forgiveness

Jesus when he was being crucified said “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).  He was responding from mercy even when they were doing the absolute worst and most hurtful thing they could do to him.  You may say “Yeah, but that’s Jesus! He’s the son of God”.  There was another man in the bible named Stephen who in Acts 7 preached a message that when the Jews heard it, made them so mad that they screamed, stopped up their ears so that they couldn’t hear anymore, took him out of the city and stoned him.  Verse 60 says that even while he was being stoned, he kneeled down and cried with a loud voice, “Lord, lay not this sin to their charge” right before he died.  This was a regular Christian guy like you and me.  Even when his very life was being taken away, he responded from mercy. Hebrews 12:4 says that you and I have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin.  Verses 1-3 (WEB) say this and I find this so encouraging – “Therefore let us also, seeing we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking to Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising its shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such contradiction of sinners against Himself, that you don’t grow weary, fainting in your souls”.

Consider what that is saying. 

Jesus was drawn through the very suffering of the cross and all of the things that followed it for the next three days in the heart of the earth.  Drawing the FULL STING of Death, Hell and the Grave.  Death, Hell and the Grave kept nothing back!  All that it had was fully spent on Him.  We get a little preview in Psalm 22:12-15. Why did He do it?  “Who for the joy that was set before Him…”  Us redeemed.  That’s what drew Him through the suffering.  It meant more to Him than the pain or the shame.  The word despising here is interpreted to think against or to think down.  Jesus was doing what Paul the Apostle admonishes us to do in 2 Corinthians 10:5. “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ”. Imagine though what would have happened if Jesus had responded badly based on how everyone was treating Him?  The earth would just be a black cinder floating in space.  Aren’t you glad He didn’t.

What’s the take-away here? 

  1. Make a decision that you will do what’s right.  Make this decision in advance.
  2. Build your life while you’re strong to carry you through when you’re weak.  Ask God for wisdom for this. It would be sheer foolishness to think that you will not be tested on this.  You need to look at situations and occasions when you behaved badly in response to someone else’s bad behavior.  Ask yourself what you could do that would give you a way out of that situation without losing control.  Now implement a strategy to carry you when you need it most.
  3. Find the Joy.  God knows what buttons to push in you to motivate and help you.  Ask Him for help.  He will put a joy in front of you that will draw you through the difficulty.  Philippians 2:13 says that God will work in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure.
  4. Maintain your thought life.  Thoughts will come.  They always do.  We need to cast them down.  You don’t fight thoughts with thoughts, you fight thoughts with words.  When the thoughts come and you are tempted to yield to self pity and begin feeling like a victim, open your mouth and begin to thank God for all the good things He has done for you.  You will not be able to think about the negative stuff while your brain & mouth are engaged speaking about the positive stuff. Philippians 4:6-9 (WEB) says “In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known go God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honorable, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS.  The things which you learned, received, heard, and saw in me: do these things, and the God of peace will be with you”.

Plan of Action.

What steps can you take today to help you when you are getting to close to the your red line? One of the things you can do is to meditate on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 every day.  Here’s a link to a downloadable PDF of it from the amplified Bible that has be modified for first person confession. Print this out & carry a copy with you.  I have one next to my computer monitor in my office as well as on my mirror at home.

How have you been victorious in this area?  Join the conversation and leave a comment. Your comments could be the encouragement that someone else needs to hear.

Victors, Victims & Forgiveness

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I wanted to write about forgiveness in the blog post this week.  My problem was that I had this big ugly area in my life where I was holding onto a little bit of a grudge. I had to get it resolved so that I wasn’t being a total hypocrite when I talked to you about forgiveness.  That’s right, I’m just like you.  I face it too.  I also get the wonderful opportunities to wallow in my own self pity.  The thing is though, when you know what to do, God expects you to do what you know.  Have you ever thought about it?  Not doing what you know to do is really just increasing your disobedience to God.  There’s a short word for that, it’s called sin.  This is the reason why I’m publishing late. For those who look for my posts and miss them when they don’t show, I’m sorry.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is releasing someone from debt.  It may be that you were hurt physically from an act of violence or you were hurt emotionally by mean or inconsiderate people. You may actually have a monetary debt that you owe.  Either way you look at it, forgiveness is always tied to debt.  There can be no forgiveness if nothing is owed.

Let’s look at the word “Owe” for a second.  Owe is something that is either earned or comes through entitlement. It’s owed to them, it’s a debt.  This is especially true in the area of respect.  There are some people that we should respect just purely based on their position.  If we can’t respect them, we need to at least respect the position.  This is owed.  It’s due and it should be paid.  If you consider what I wrote about last week about unfulfilled expectations, there are things that we think are owed us but are not.  We think we deserve them but we don’t.  It’s a slippery slope when you start thinking about what you deserve, or you have expectations that you have no right to have.  You need to have a close look at yourself & be honest.  Is it really owed to me?

Forgiveness happens when we release people from the obligation of paying the debt.  We let them off the hook.  Matt. 6:15 says “But if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”.  Forgiveness for the Christian is not an option.  There is no condition found in the Bible where it’s okay to hang onto unforgiveness.  We see and interesting story in Matthew 18:23-35.  The bottom line of the story is that if the Heavenly Father can forgive what He has forgiven, He’s within His right to expect us to forgive also.

Forgiveness is all about you.  All of the control and responsibility of forgiveness totally rests in your hands.  No one else can do this for you.  If you won’t do it, it won’t get done.  Here are some things that helped me to do the right thing this week.

  1. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  When I hold a grudge, it’s not hurting the person I’m upset with nearly as much as it’s hurting me.  When I forgive, I’m really allowing myself to move on and have some peace.
  2. It always involves making a choice.  Forgiveness always follows the choice to forgive.  I read somewhere this week that when a person says “I can forgive but I can’t forget”, what they are really saying is “I won’t forgive”.  Very often unforgiveness is the very thing that’s keeping you from being able to move forward.  In order to get better, you need to release the debt.
  3. Forgiveness takes away your victim status.  When you are hurt and have not forgiven, you get to be pitiful and feel sorry for yourself.  Don’t be deceived though, that’s weakness.  Strong people don’t feel sorry for themselves.  If you are tired of being a victim and want to take control of your own direction in your life, then you need to stop reacting to what others are doing to you and instead decide how your will respond.  Acting from an decision is way better than acting from an injury.  You are also saying that though this may hurt, it will not be the determining factor in what you do next.  That will come from you and you alone.  Forgiveness is really one of the first steps toward becoming strong.  By forgiving, you are breaking the yoke off of your own neck and taking away the problem or injury’s control over you.

It would be unjust for God to require something from you that you are unable to do.  Since He gives us no options when it comes to forgiveness, we know that:

  1. We can do it.  He would not ask if it were impossible.
  2. It’s important that we do it.  What many people don’t realize is the spiritual implications of not walking in forgiveness.  If you won’t forgive, God can’t forgive you.

“Accept important apologies you never received.  If you love someone and you want to forgive them, Relieve them of the need to apologize to you, for anything.”  www.marcandangel.com

So what now?  I issue this challenge.  In the next 30 days, take at least two practical steps toward resolving unforgiveness in your own life.  There are people who have hurt you or owe you somehow, find a way to let them off the hook.  In the long run you’ll be glad you did.  God’s way is always the best.  What are some practical ways to demonstrate forgiveness?  Let me hear your thoughts by leaving a comment.

Overcoming Regret & Unfulfilled Expectations.

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I was thinking of a minister I saw on Christian television several years ago.  I don’t remember his name, but he was relating the story of attending his dad’s funeral.  This minister’s dad was estranged from the family and had nothing to do with his children.  This minister confessed that as he was sitting there in the service, he began to cry.  The Holy Spirit prompted his heart as if to ask “Why are you crying?”  This man shared that he was crying because there was no relationship, but there was supposed to be.  There was no fellowship but there was supposed to be.  His father should have been a good part of his life but now he was gone and so were the chances that it would ever happen.  This is the cry of the heart for everyone that has a broken relationship with their dad or mom.  This used to bother me quite a bit.  What if we never get it fixed?

This minister began to share how the Lord ministered to his heart.  The Lord showed him that all of the “Would have, Should have, Could have” that he was mourning over actually only existed in him.  What it really amounted to was this: he had unfulfilled expectations of his father.  He had an image in his mind of what he believed makes up a good father, and his dad fell short in every area.  There were a lot of things that he thought should have been and a lot of things that could have happened if only his dad would have done things differently.

expectations-danger-signNo one is supposed to love you like your mom & dad.  They are supposed to be there when everyone else blows away.  Right?  We suppose that when things get weird, they will have our back.  While that may be the standard for what we ultimately expect from mom & dad, reality tells a different story.  According to a 2012 article by Luke Rosiak, published in the Washington Times, 1 in 3 U.S. children live with out a father, and nearly 5 million live without a mother.  In 1960, just 11 percent lived without a father and in 2012 it’s at 33 percent!

While it hurts to watch your parents turn against one another and blow up your family, it’s a special kind of suck when one of your parents leaves and virtually kicks you to the curb, never having anything to do with you again.  Having suffered through that, I have a special place in my heart for those I see suffering through it too.  That’s one of the reasons this website & blog came to be.  God has helped me beyond measure to grow, cope & ultimately become strong in spite of being left twisting in the breeze. Now He wants to use me to help you.

This minister’s story helped me because:

  • I realized that I wasn’t alone in this.  Others had faced the same issues.  My suffering was not unique and there were others who had been down that same road, and knew what I felt and could help me.
  • I need to respond to reality, not my unfulfilled expectations. Deal with what was, not what wasn’t.
  • It’s not that we want our moms & dads to be great moms & dads, we want them to WANT TO be great moms & dads.  It’s hard to understand when they don’t WANT TO.
  • I began to realize that the pain was coming from me not him.  When I realized that, I was able to get a better perspective about things.
  • I decided to stop expecting anything.  I try not to put any burden or expectation on my mom & dad.  I just want to love and honor them.  I am just grateful for what they have given me and I take full responsibility to do all that I can to be a good son.  One that doesn’t cause shame but instead causes the light of honor to shine on them.
  • Shortcomings on their part do not justify shortcomings on my part.  I will no longer allow myself to use this as an excuse to be less than I know I should be. I will do what I know to do even if I’m the only one doing it.

Will we ever get it fixed?  I don’t know.  I take my part seriously and will do all I can to be a good son.  I will continue to honor my dad and take all available opportunities to tell him so.  I have this confidence that once we both pass into eternity, it will all be made right.  If need be, I can endure until then.

There are few things in life that can hurt more than a parent’s rejection.  Has this happened to you?  How did you cope?  Join the community and the conversation. Please leave a comment.  Your comments can minister to someone else.  If this helped you or you think you know someone it could help, please share it.